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Fangs for the Memories: Sloth Monsters


I know they aren't called Sloth Monsters.

Sloth Monster

But I was twelve so I had no idea what they were. Plus we had AOL dialup with parental controls so I doubt I could have found anything before being kicked off by my mother picking up the phone in the other room.

The E rated Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time included a skeletal, soul sucking, dead-eyed monster that latched itself onto your back. And twelve-year-old-me thought, "that's a sloth." I have no idea why. I guess they're both brown.

Pictured: ReDead

Pictured: The Exact Same Thing

Officially they are called ReDeads.

According to the Zelda Wiki (the most Zelda-centric of all Wikis), ReDeads are monsters that freeze Link with their paralyzing scream before latching onto him and repeatedly biting his neck.

Oh yeah. They scream too.

Even the name is terrifying. ReDead. They aren't zombies. Zombies are dead people who became undead. ReDead implies that they died, became zombies, were killed again, and then came back to life. The twice-baked potato of the undead world, if you will.

Because you weren't going to sleep anyways.

Nobody knows where ReDeads come from, because nobody at Nintendo thought to come up with anything canon. They were too busy coming up with things to terrify children.

But do ReDeads exist in the real world? After hours of pouring over medical journals and redacted military reports I'm afraid the answer is a resounding "yes." They are completely real. One is behind you right now!

I'm just kidding, but you should be careful. Unless you carry a sword with you everyday, it's only a matter of time before you are killed by ReDeads.

As long as you stay out of places ReDeads lurk you should be safe.

Dungeons. When was the last time you went into a dungeon? Easy.

Graveyards. A bit trickier. You'll have to avoid all funerals from now on.

Caves. Please! Unless you're Batman you're in the clear.

Well crap. I guess we're all screwed.

But to be fair, there are things far more terrifying than being attacked by a ReDead

Ticiri, DeviantArt

Ticiri, Deviant Art

Stay classy Internet.

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About walterwoodsone of us since 7:52 PM on 08.15.2014

Burgeoning writer. Professional movie-watcher and game-player. Amateur at most other things.