I still maintain I was named for a Styx's "Christopher, Mr. Christopher."

4:38 AM on 12.28.2012 (server time)0

Decided to hop in on this name game thing, and punching my moniker into Urban Dictionary yielded some, um, interesting results. By "interesting," I mean something along the lines of "probably written by foreveralone cryhards who feel like they're forever trapped in the friend zone." Which means I may have gotten drunk and written one of these entries myself in darker times, but whatever. There are some cute ones, though I made it a point to hunt for the weird.

Going by my full first name, you get some beastly, long-winded nonsense right off the bat. Oddly appropriate, given my specialization here in tl;dr material.

1. Christopher 196 up, 32 down
The most amazing guy out there. Very deep and talented, Christophers make for the best conversationalists. Although sometimes they can be very mean without realizing it, they don't mean it. They don't have the best sense of humor, but some people (specifically the crazy type) can understand the jokes. They're not very emotional, and they won't change that about themselves. They worry about others much more than themselves, and hate knowing that they hurt someone else. They are very calm and laid back, and if you make them mad they cool off by the next day.

Hey, you know Christopher?
yeah, what about him?
I'm gonna marry him someday (:

2. Christopher 4579 up, 1250 down
Maybe when you first meet a Christopher they'll seem like a jerk, and hurt you emotionally multiple times, or possible make the lamest jokes but one day he'll make up for it all, the best he can. Christophers will eventually realize the love that they've stored in a safe place for you. Christophers usually have the most gorgeous smile out there, and the most seductive voice. They're someone you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your entire life with. They have a tendancy to spend more time thinking of what to do for someone else than themselves. Christophers love adventure, new things, something to get their blood rushing and heart pounding.

I love my Christopher, forever and always.
That soldier, he keeps me sane.
(=

Take a deeper look at your Christopher before you let go, he might be the best thing that will ever happen to you.

3. Christopher 293 up, 82 down

1. Perhaps at first glance one might think a Christopher is a misfit, but this is merely his camouflage. Christophers are honest men whom go hard; work hard, play hard, and love hard. To most, Christophers seem wild, untamable forces of nature whom are destructive� but don�t mistake these terms �wild�, �untamable�, and �force of nature� as negative attributes, for it is part of a Christopher�s splendor. You call him wild because he goes all out; I call him passionate, adventurous, energetic, and determined. You call him untamable because you want to control him, I say let him be free-spirited because he will achieve great things and he is most beautiful when not cadged. And as for force of nature, he is a force to be reckoned with for sure, but he is not destructive, he is protective and strong (in every sense of the word). A Christopher may be able to lift heavy objects, bend blue steel, or take on sebn� black panthers, but with those same hands he can hold a child�s hand without crushing it, caress a woman gently, and make people feel safe. Christophers are known charmers who will make you smile and laugh anytime given time. Upon hearing a Christopher�s deep, calming and seductive voice, one can�t help but smile and feel at ease. Do not underestimate a Christopher, for he is a man in the purest sense; honest, steadfast, and knows how to provide.

2. A grown ass man.

He's a real Christopher, he had me smiling for days.

4. Christopher 350 up, 139 down
Christopher name meaning bearer of christ. Christophers are usually handsome, caring, generous, and funny guys. They are very loving and compassionate. They will sit there and hold you till the sun comes up. They will make you soup when your sick and stand by your side when your going through a tough time. They aren't afraid to beat anyone up that hurts a loved one or friend. They are very marture. They love fast cars and motorcycles. They hate taking many pictures and hate to smile. They aren't looking just to have a fling, they want to fall in love. They make many girls fall in love with them, just by the thoughtful words they say. They aren't really into Valentines Day, only because they show their love for someone all year long. They love to be adventerous and daring. They can help anyone in any situation and give some of the best advice. They also make good looking babies. They are just the best type of guys to fall in love with.

I just got some of the best advice ever.
You must of got it from a CHRISTOPHER.

Get to page two, however, and things start getting weird:

10. Christopher 44 up, 15 down

The latin being Christos-Philo. Christos=annointed and Philo= lover of. Lover of the annointed or Annointed lover. Either way Christophers deep down strive to live up to the moniker. Usually going by Chris when young and reclaiming the whole name with maturity to honor their mothers who chose the full regal version at birth. A bolt of lightning combined with the cool of the ocean breeze. Christophers can knock your socks off in the bedroom and out party the most die hard of ragers be it bong or booze. His lampshade gets bigger the longer the party goes yet can hold his own going fist to fist. A lover's lover and a fighter's fighter. Weaknesses include vagina, marijuana and a cold beer. If he has a thousand dollars on a Friday morning it will become $2.78 by Monday night.

That Christopher guy from the bonfire last night had the dankest herb and he left in that van full of girls to go to a private afterhours.

Cutting things down to Chris, things don't waste any time moving toward the ridiculous:

1. Chris 499 up, 63 down
You don't get on a Chris' bad side.
You don't fuck with a Chris
You don't even attempt to show a Chris up.
Always remember a Chris can see through lies and your bullshit.
A Chris never starts a fight but always finishes them making sure to talk shit and kick ass.
A strait up bad-ass.
A Chris is the guy to find when you
1: Need someones mouth shut for good.
2: You have any problem social, academic, mental, or moral.
A Chris can take a bullet to the chest and laugh it off.
A Chris has an answer to every problem.
A Chris is a doctor with out a degree he can mend a wound using only the clothes on his back.
A Chris rocks a 5.0/4.0 GPA because of his AP classes.
A Chris knows everyone.
A Chris can talk his way out of a detention to an expulsion.
A Chris drives any car smoothly and swiftly giving any racer a run for their money.
A Chris is a natural born sex god with a huge cock and the ability to satisfy any girl.
A Chris has hawk eyes as blue as a lagoon that can see at a 180 degree angle.
A Chris has chill brown hair that shines even in the dark.
A Chris is cut up with muscles.
A Chris smells seductive and mysterious.
A Chris never gets boring.
A Chris can master any expertise.
A Chris' teeth makes snow look yellow.
When a Chris has a girlfriend he makes everyone jealous.
A Chris can figure out how to fly a jet using only cool, calm, and collected personality.

Have Chris talk to him.

(By the way, these tags on that first one are the best: cock, skill, bad-ass, eyes, cut up, muscle, kick-ass, huge cock, sex god, driver, drifter, fight god)

2. Chris 150 up, 32 down
A charming, honest, romantic, interesting, sensitive, determined, upright, princely, eloquent, and attractive person.

A Chris may strike you as a little weird or different at first, but that is because you won't know their true self until you work on getting to know them. As you find out more about them, they will continue to grow on you until you want to spend every minute with them.

A Chris may not be super buff, but makes up for it in strength and brains. They are very helpful and go out of their way to make other people happy. They also love to compliment girls and will do anything for their special someone, having a hidden romantic side. They are outdoor oriented people and have a strong faith in their religion. Chris's sometimes may become sad or depressed, but a friendly word or hug will cheer them up. They love their family, but may feel the need to break away and strike out on their own as they grow older.

To know a Chris is to know an amazing person who will impact your life deeply. Make sure to treat them with all the respect you can, because they deserve it!

"Wow, who was that cute boy you were talking to?"
"Oh, that was Chris. Isn't he amazing?"

"Have I ever told you that you are the most amazingly beautiful, stunningly graceful, and lovingly tender friend ever?"
"Aww Chris your flattering me again!"

This one, however, is easily my favorite:

3. Chris 623 up, 207 down
probably your name, and youre looking it up in Urban Dictionary to see what your name is defined as...this is it

Moving along, things returned to normal, sort of:.

6. Chris 1034 up, 422 down
A guy who can always make you laugh, even at the worst of times. He's an extremely sexy person, even though he denies it. He is also smart, and denies that too. Someone named Chris is always up for having a good time and will always leave you breathless. You'll never be bored with a Chris around.

Wow. He is so much fun to hang out with! He must be a Chris!

7. Chris 745 up, 298 down
Person who knows everything about everything. Omnipotent being.

Me: I took my car to the shop
Chris: I knew that
Me: I have a leak in my gas tank
Chris: I knew you would
Me: I hate you
Chris: I know you do

9. chris 11089 up, 5124 down
is a slang for huge cock

like incredibly huge.

oh man I wish I had a chris in me.

So, summing up, it would appear I'm an incredibly huge, cut up, grown-ass, breezy, ocean lightning bolt cock that knows everything about everything, is familiar with everyone, and moonlights as a natural born sex god.

Judging by that last bit, maybe I am the white Hamza, after all.

#ShareonCommunityBlogs