10 inches of long john

Hello my friends! Stay a while and listen...

So, I've been here for some years but never properly introduced myself. I'm not a big fan of talking in lenghts (ha!) about me, but I'm not feeling very good and thought maybe this is an oportunity to introspect a little. Also, for weiner jokes. So let's-a go:


1 - I'm brazilian



Yeah, I know, huehue, etc. I'm not one of those dudes, actually I barely play online, I played a lot of Quake TF, UT'99 and TFC but these days there's not many online games that interest me, and the latency usually fucks it up. TF2 is kinda fun but not so much, and I cannot deal with servers with respawn wait. I know, I'm dumb, sorry.�

Anyways, being brazilian is interesting because I see things from outside, I play mostly on PC because consoles are expensive as fuck here, PC's are expensive too but it's always easier to smuggle a RAM chip so in the "black market" it ends up being worthwhile being a PC gamer. Also, there's no console that comes here and stays unpirated (I'd say that's thanks to the huge chinese populace here, but I can't be sure. Anyway, piracy is rampant and it's all cool. There's a guy selling Xbox 360 games and porn dvd's around my block, another one that unblocks PS3's and 360's on the next block (PS3 pirates usually use external HDs to store games), it's very very regular around here. I'm sorry for those that think this is outrageous, I think the industry already accepted that, actually MS is the one that tries to do stuff to lower prices around here, but the government is retarded.

Well, just meant to say that it's interesting seeing things from here. Sometimes it's sad, I wish I could attend events and meet up with you folks, but that's probably never going to happen, but I'm happy to have met such an amount of amazing people even from afar. Gives me hope for humanity and stuff.

Also, I learned english mostly from playing games, reading and looking up music lyrics. People who say games are bad for you are ignorants. I learned a crucial skill gaming, something that to this day amazes every job interviewer I meet. I'm not THAT good, it's just that I feel secure enough speaking in english and as you know, company assholes love people that can do stuff and make it look like it's no sweat. I even taught english for a while, and I'm shit at grammar. But it seems I learned a lot with my "stupid nerd pasttimes". Yeah, eat a dick jocks. I'm a badass. I also play guitar, am in a band and fuck all their sisters. Well, going on:

2 - I was once a videogame journalist

(Hunter S. Thompson, John Cusack, Johnny Depp and an inflatable sex doll on a convertible car. That's the life of a videogame journalist, pretty much. Also, that's from a pretty cool documentary on Thompson.)

Yeah, I see a lot of folks around here that aspire to that, and I won't say don't do it, I'll just say it changes the way you feel about playing videogames. Gaming is actually my third passion, my first one is music and the second one literature.

I tried working with both of those, with varying degrees of success, and the hardest part is that you have to change the way you relate to the stuff you love. No one tells you that. You have to accept that a music student will want to learn Fall Out Boy or that you'll have to translate a Twilight book, stuff like that. Works make you prostitute yourself, and when you work with what you love, unless you're lucky enough to become a famous artist, you'll have to accept that. And even if you become famous, you may not have to prostitute your work, but you'll have to do that with your time. Being famous means going to places to be seen and hang around people you'll hate. As you can see I never want to be famous. I wish I could live of writing or playing, but I hat the idea of fame and everything that comes with it. I don't mean to say "don't do it" to anyone, it's the kind of thing you have to deal with to see if you CAN deal with, I'm just saying that I learned a lot through working with what I love, and it made me want to work with things I don't love, so I can say "fuck it" and don't feel bad about it.

Anyway, my point is, being a gaming journo involves a lot of stuff most people don't want to deal with. You'll have to talk to PR people from all kinds of companies. Even if you hate Titanfall (as an example) you'll HAVE to play it and feature it on your website, because if you don't people won't come to it and you won't have anything to eat. That's why I have a website today that's just a blog. I don't live of it, so I can write only when I want and about what I want. You want to make gaming journalism your main profession, you'll have to take the "bad" with it. And seriously, playing and writing about bad games is still better than working the counter at a bakery. Trust me on that, ok?

I don't mean to make anyone sad, it's just that that's part of growing up, and I too learned it the hard way. Any job has (a lot of) downsides. Accepting that is what means being an adult. So next time you want to critique a game, or EA, fire it up, go ahead, they ARE capitalist scumbags, just don't diss our writers and editors, they're giving their blood for us and trying to make a living out of this. They can't ignore the biggest stuff out there.

They have to write about everything, even if they don't like it, they can't say "EA is shit" and give it a 0/10, they have to be fair and professional about every game. I got tired of that, and had a lot of problems with the people that do that around here (imagine every site is IGN, US gaming journo's are lightyears ahead of us), but I admire all the folks that balance working and personally loving games at Dtoid, which is why is the only gaming news website I visit. In short, hate the game, not the playas, ok?

Yeah, I tend to write a lot, sorry folks. I think I wont have ten things as long as this anyway. Speaking of that...

3 - I'm a short dude

It may sound funny because of my screen name, but I'm short as fuck. 5 foot 3 or somthing, in american standards. 1,65 to the rest of the world. I used to be bothered by that, specially in school, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I mean, if I were different I would be a completely different person, and I don't know if I would be who I am that way. I learned a lot about myself this way, about jealousy, projection, insecurity, about blaming other people for my problems, and I like the place I am right now so, I'm cool with how I am. I also had an operation for scoliosis as a kid, so my back looks like this

Yeah, I didn't ask for any of this, so don't fuck with me. I'm short, hairy, and have titanium on my bones. I'm the closest you can get to Wolverine in real life.

Seriously, they gave me morfine for a week at the hospital, that shit is awesome. Totally worth it.

Oh and my screen name comes from a brand of whisky me and my brother used to drink. It doesn't sell anymore in brazil, but I've heard it's still around in europe or something.

4 - I love music and literature

Yeah, I've said that already, but I really do. Me and my brother started playing listening to my father's LPs and game music. My bro picked up a bass trying to play Toejam & Earl and we went from that to Chili Peppers and Funkadelic. My father had some awesome vinyls from the Stones, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, and we went with that. I studied music in a university but droped after two years, after checking out the kind of jobs I'd end up getting. Anyway.

There's a cool story about that. About the time Toejam & Earl 3 was about to come out, my brother sent an email to the dude that did the soundtrack and said we loved the games from the genesis era, that we didn't have an Xbox but we were happy to see it finally coming to life (the game stood in development hell for years, we had a dreamcast in hopes it would come to it, but it never did until recently), that we started playing to those tunes back in the '90s, etcetera.

So. The dude went up and sent us a letter with a CD with the full soundtrack. Two kids in Brazil. I tears me up to this day, it was one of the most amazing things that ever happened in my life. Which goes to show, even if a lot of people are assholes, there are people who are worth your time. Also, try knowing and talking to your favourite devs. I'm sure they are happy to know how much their games had an influence on your life. Thinking now, that dude must have been pretty happy that these two kids learned music to his tunes and sent him an email from brazil just to say that. Love goes around bros.

I won't talk much about literature, just that my favourite writer ever is Dostoievsky and my favourite book "The Idiot". I also love Phillip Roth, Camus, Celine, Bukowski, Sylvia Plath, T.S. Elliot, Wittgenstein, Phillip K. Dick, Joseph Heller, George Orwell, Hemingway, Chekov, Twain, Herman Hesse, Hunter S. Thompson, Rimbaud...I'll stop now, but I guess you can get my kind of thing.

5 - I love weird games

I started playing on the Atari and went through most consoles since then. I always loved crazy ass games that weren't as polished as the most famous ones, but that did different things. The 16 bit era had a lot of those, the first playstation too. Games like Bubba & Stix, Toejam & Earl, Pepsiman, Deception, King's Field (what would be of Dark Souls if not for them?), Wild 9, Urban Chaos, Rampage, Silhouette Mirage etcetera.

I miss those times, when there was medium budget games and budget games all around. There were a shitload of great bizare games, a lot more of variety. I mean, a game like MDK or Jet Set Radio today? Would end up as a kickstarter. I'm sad for the young generations that won't get the feeling of those crazy ass games. I mean, there's a lot of that on the indie scene, but it will take a long time until they can match those great games, specially because 3D is still hard and expensive to do. Also, the japanese crazy scene disappeared (mostly because it's expensive as fuck to game games, so outside of a bloated economy like the US economy it's almost impossible to keep doing them).

Still, the indie scene is what gives me hope. I barely play "new" games these days. Can't take anymore boring FPSs or gritty mature games, I'm tired of those. I'm a 90's dude, I remember when making fun of that was still fun (even games like Doom and Twisted Metal had a sense of humor). It feels as if the world is taking itself too seriously, and I surely don't have fun with that. All these serious shooters make me think about Nirvana's "In Bloom". Too much insecurity guys. I also think Bioshock is dumb as fuck, so sorry folks. System Shock was better, in every way. So that's me, videogame wise.

6 - Once upon a time a did a shitload of drugs, for a long time


I write a lot about this but then I noticed it was just me pitying myself. In short, I did weed and coke and drank for about 8 years of my life, and it was kind of a waste. I mean, it was awesome, but I was depressed, I couldn't get anything done, I had problems with my stomach, but it's no excuse. I didn't notice how fucked up I was until I got really depressed and couldn't leave the house.� Now I'm clean, I drink, but not everyday, and I got my band back together, wrote a shitload of short stories and am writing a book. In two years I got back almost all the time I wasted, but still, it was a waste. I don't like people telling me what to do, and I won't tell anyone how to lead their lifes. Just pay attention folks. Once you start doing drugs to become normal, instead of doing them to get out of the regular you, then it becomes another job, and it's a pretty bad one.
If anything, avoid doing them every day. That's when shit becomes fucked up. But I don't like being preachy, so let's leave this subject.

7 - I like tea

Yeah, who would've thought huh?
Coffee fucks up my stomach, milk too, I have a really fucked up stomach (one of the reasons I loved drugs) so I drink a lot of tea. Tea rules. Also, when your hungover, the best shit is orange juice or tea with honey. Seriously motherfuckers, try it for yourselves. You're welcome.

8 - I had a lot of oddbjobs

Music didn't work as a career so I said "fuck it". I was a cook, a baker, a law library clerk, I sold english courses, I did excel work for big companies, I worked on a motivational course for executives (that shit is hilarious, it's like training dogs to bark math, I never want to be an executive, good lord), I taught music, I played guitar for a really bad folk singer, I did proofreading, I translated walkthroughs from gamefaqs for a real famous brazilian videogame magazine (and they sold it as their work), I was a gaming journalist, I was a clerk in other places, you get the idea. Right now I'm studying recording and editing audio and video, I really like it and wish I could work with it, but I don't know if it will work out. I hope I can finish my first book within the year and get a new drummer soon. A job is a job. It's just money so I can do what I really want to do. Once I got into this mindset, everything became a lot easier. Sometimes working with what you love can kill your passion, so fuck that if you're like me. Get an oddjob and get your passion out, truthfully, no compromises, in your spare time. I'm sure that's how Dtoid got to be what it is, instead of just being another IGN.

9 - my dog rules

Seriously, look at this motherfucker. It's a stray female, I've had her for 6 years now. At the height of my depression this little thing saved my mind. Animals rule. This dog rules. And yeah, it looks like a black corgi. I love her.


10 - here's my big ten inch

Well, thanks for sticking through all this. Sorry if I write a lot, I was going to write a lot more but I felt like an asshole after reading everyone's blogs, so I deleted a lot of shit about my drug years and etcetera. Maybe I'll put it in a book or something one day. Well, I love this place, been here since 2011, and I love you all, so without further ado, here's my big ten inch, hope you guys like it:


LOVE YOU ALL!

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