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My Pale Morning Star


I've had quite a journey over the past couple of weeks. And some of you may have noticed I've been absent lately. There was a lot going on. And the sins of my past came back in full force to haunt me. As some of you may know, I struggle with a few particular mental illnesses as well as a past that I'm ashamed of and routinely feel guilty about.

Anyone here, even those who don't know me well probably know of my deep admiration and adoration of my wife. We've been together for about twenty years, and she is quite literally the reason I'm even still here on Earth. Yes, I have children. A beautiful now adult daughter who is out on her own and happily married even. And a ten year old son. I love both of my children dearly, and would do close to anything for them. But I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that my wife is the single most important person in my life. Yes, even more so than my own children. Yes, I chose to have my kids and accept them as they are. But my wife chose ME and accepts me for who I am.

She is a beautiful, compassionate, and ambitious woman who strives to better her own life at every turn. She also strives to enrich my life and to lift me up and above my mired past and upbringing. We love each other very dearly. We share everything together. We come together as a packaged deal. She is my person in life, and I am hers. We are soulmates if you go for that sort of thing. And we've walked through the fire and the flames together. We've been through hell and back. And with any couple, especially those who've been together for a long while - We've had our issues.


We've just recently been through one such issue. In the earlier days of this relationship I was wild, untamed and out of control. Without going into great detail, I was a pretty lacking partner to her. Despite her fawning over me and hanging on for dear life despite me constantly brushing her aside, she stuck by me. She wanted nothing more than for me to feel so head over heels and obsessed with her the way she was with me. And I did not return the favor. Yeah, we were still together. I didn't sleep around and betray her, I didn't hurt her physically or anything. But I most certainly didn't treat her well either. I was too caught up in my own little world of chaos and casual violence. I regularly blew her off for my idiot heathen friends. I left her alone and cold during times she really needed me to go and do something stupid and more often than not, illegal. I could go on for a long while about this, but it leaves me feeling terrible so I'll stop. But needless to say, I have a lot of regret from those early days of this relationship.

I had a beautiful, caring and extremely affectionate woman with her head on straight by my side who just wanted to be happy with me and to make me happy. And I practically pissed it all away in my own stupidity. A woman that even back then I would have admitted checked every single box as to what I looked for in a partner, both personality wise and from a physical standpoint. I'm not an especially shallow person, even still though this lady met if not exceeded any preferences I had in women.

It took a moment that brought us to the edge that made me realize what I really had before me and how I had almost pushed her away entirely. We married not long after that moment. We had been together close to seven years before we married. So to say we knew we were ready is an understatement. She had been ready for years. Things changed for me after that. I no longer took her for granted. I cherished her. I adored her. She became my world, just as I had been hers before. How she had always wanted things.


Unfortunately, as might be expected, my actions in the past took some toll on her. She struggled to hold back a tide of resentment. It arose from time to time in issues and we'd fight about it. When I started to get legitimate help for myself mentally it helped. But still sometimes things would come up. And just recently they came to a head. In my own complacency and struggle to overcome my own demons I lost sight of my truest priority in life. My wife and exactly how much she means to me.

It is now why I find myself across the country from her. A hastened seperation I did not wish for. But one she needed. Time to sort herself out. Time to see if she would truly be better off on her own. And time for me to realize exactly where my priorities lay in life. I learned quickly. I felt as if I were dying without her by my side. This is the longest we've ever been away from each other in twenty years. And certainly the furthest apart we've ever been. I needed to do some further growing up. And I did in a short time because I didn't have a choice in the matter. And because I wanted to, because I know what I want, and that's her back in my life.

Luckily things seem to have worked out. And while this has been a miserable lesson to have learned in life. It is ultimately one we needed. I tried hard to give her the space to let her figure things out. And she did. She made the call asking me to return to her side and I'll be flying bac to her this coming Saturday. Returning with a fresh state of mind, and my eyes firmly on the number one priority in my life outside of my own basic existence. (Which even then, I would give for her well being.) We needed this, as I said. I needed it, but she really did. I cannot blame her for holding deep seated resentment to the things I put her through earlier in life. And she needed time to see if she could overcome those things. I dreaded to think that she couldn't. But I am fortunate enough to see that she did.

All of the day's silly problems seem so insignificant in comparison to this all for me. Perhaps I'm selfish in admitting that even problems much bigger than myself feel so much less important in comparison to this for me. And I am to some extent, I will admit this. I still struggle to see myself as anything other than a bad person most of the time. But if she can find closure and acceptance for my past, then why too shouldn't I?


These events at times left me feeling with a lack of will to keep getting out of bed in the morning initially. Things were extremely difficult. But now things feel stronger and better than ever. The future suddenly looks so much brighter than it did even just a few weeks ago. I haven't seen my wife this happy and content in well, years. And she deserves this for the good she has brought into my life. Always the more level-headed, always the more intelligent, and always the more rational half of us. She is a special woman that I am so very lucky to have in my life. She completes me.

I needed to reevaluate my life. And I suppose I truly have. This is a new and better chapter in my life and I intend to fully realize it. If you've read this, I appreciate it. This is why I've been so quiet as of late. But I'm back. And I hope going forward my life in general is going to be more positive. I needed this. I really did.

-Dedicated to Christine, my Pale Morning Star.

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About Xeoone of us since 1:36 AM on 02.21.2011