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Mobile Ass Trash: MealMate


Hey, now. Look at me. I’m a hardcore gamer. I spent ten minutes tapping my phone on my way to work, and I beat an entire video game. Which entire video game? you might ask. The answer is so simple it might astound you: It was some Mobile Ass Trash!

Game designers don’t understand me. I’m a man of the world. I’m busy reading books, working, having sex on airplanes. I can’t sit down and be expected to play a game that takes like six whole hours to beat. What do they think I am? Some pillow-humping hermit? No, I’m a modern adult. And how does a modern adult like to consume his media? As quickly as possible and without enjoying it, that way he can talk about it on the internet. And so here we are.

MealMate is like a surrealist cross between Tamagotchi, Work Time Fun, and the rampant consumerism of the fast food industry. Intrigued? No? Well, then why don’t you go back to playing Skyrim, you baby? Fus Ro Dumb, am I right?

Yes, I am right.

In MealMate, you’re given a titular MealMate to raise, nurture, and eventually consume. They’re essentially livestock, but they look like little Greasy Strangler style people. They relax, hang out, watch TV, lift weights, and do all the other things you imagine animals you want to eat would do. Now, you can’t eat one fresh out of the womb, because that would leave it tasting bland and sticky. No one wants bland and sticky (just ask your mom), so you have to give your MealMate items to make it stronger and better. It’s like genetically engineering cattle, except for fun.

In order to buy these items, however, you need to do odd jobs and gamble to make money. There are a number of technically sufficient minigames to approximate these tasks. In one you smash slugs with a mallet; in another you ride a cart and try not to die; in another you try to make a scene that tells a story where no one dies (someone always dies); in another you play slots; in another you choose doors that will randomly either give you money or drop you into a pit of death; in another you choose a mine cart that will either carry you to gold, chicken, or poop. All these things make you money. And once you feel you have enough money, you come back and buy items to feed your MealMate.

The items in the shop are randomly generated, and a lot of them have random effects, so you’ll need to spend money on the right items at the right time to get the right texture, taste, and overall nutritional value out of your MealMate. Also, the instructions are randomized. This game does not exist to waste your time. Just like how I don’t waste my wife’s time, since I masturbate furiously before she comes home from work and then tell her, “Don’t worry, honey. You can pull the wax out of your hole. My spear hangs limp and will not pierce you tonight.”

This game is like love is what I’m saying.

So, once you nurture a MealMate that has the profile that you’re looking for, you smash that button to eat the little shit, and down comes the big old lady head to gobble it up. Her tongue lashes out like a whip, wraps the little bitch, and drags it into her gaping maw. Yum! Afterword your MealMate’s overall value is rated, and you’re ready to begin nurturing another. Just to kill it down the line and consume its corpse, of course!

So, yeah. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that it’s a very good game.

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About Vadictaone of us since 6:31 PM on 01.03.2014

Vadicta is a man of emotions.

And many bodies.

*From the Angie Archives.

He also has the best taste.

*Thanks, Dango.