Below you will find a partial transcript of an evening a couple of years ago where one of my brothers and I sat down to play a bunch of games. At the time we decided to liveblog our experience. The blog it used to be on is long since dead, so I figured I'd post it here for posterity's sake. There's really nothing remotely intelligent or terribly funny in here.
P represents me, A represents my brother, and H is our roommate who chimes in occasionally. We really intended to play through the entire collection of ROMs, but never did get through the A's.
Our story thus far�
Heroes A and P have embarked on an epic journey to play every ROM on a massive NES Dreamcast ROM disc. Starting at 9:30 pm on Friday Feb. 29th, 2008, it is currently 10:42 pm, and they have progressed to The Adventures of Lolo 2. Let�s look in�
P: Lolo has really fuckin� big eyes. And he�s cross-eyed!
A: There�s probably something I�m not doing here�. That fuckin� armadillo is gonna get free�Trapped! trapped motherfucker. Oh I can walk over the chest. Very good.
P: Some beer might have to be had.
A: WHAT?! WRAP IT UP? (of an unceremonious death). That�s what she said.
P: Alright moving on�(A takes over blog).
P: Alright, Adventures of Lolo 3. OH SHIT! There�s a world map. Where am I going, there�s a big motherfucking castle I can�t go into. It�s level 3, I can�t go in there. Oh shit there�s dudes in the windows.
P: Level 1. Oh yes (takes down level 1) Fucking slug monster. You can�t handle me (takes them out )
P: Oh shit. (dies) I jut got eaten by a fucking slug monster. (He continues to get the shaft from a porcupine shooting spikes)
A: Sooting, I laugh at my own typo.
P: It�s�.y-yyou can�t avoid th fucking shit balls. (groan)
P: I can�t get that on down there�..
A: you can block that shit. (He continues to struggle on floor 5)
P: I�m an idiot, I�m a cunt bag. (A reasonable response to another death)
P: I still don�t understand why I�m Lala! Who am I saving?
P: No, he�s waiting outside.
(A roommate offers advice�..which leads to another death)
P: Oh, that�s pretty gay. I almost got smoked by an armadillo.
P: O hit I�m out of egg�.gunk.
(We argue over how he could have gotten out of it�..he commits suicide)
(A long silence)
(A winner is him)
A: What the fuck is this?
P: Aright, level 1 of Adventures of Lolo 3 has been completed�CAn I switch to Lolo?
P: Fuck me (Yet another genius death, followed by another)
P: Alright, I�m pretty stupid.
A: Come on now.
P: (death, followed by a deep breath and a quick soft reset)
Adventures of Lolo (list in alphabetical order)
H: The main character�s name in Lufia II will be Drugs.
A: Wrap it up
A: These are the exact same graphics.
P: June used to play this one all the time.
A: �Them ducks keeps gettin� me�
P: That dragon looks really happy.
A: He�s probably on Meth. Oh shit me�.oh wake up (to a sleeping enemy) SUicide! The Lufia II music is awesome. Adventures of Lolo is fuckin� bomb dig. Lolo is drunk�
P: What would a blue puffball drink?
A: Mint Julip.
P: Mint Julip? Why?
A: Don�t you know anything about Physics? My theory is, Skinner likes dog food. Suicide time. Eat it. Oooh stairs.
P: Apparently �this is not the end of the battle� Game over.
Adventures of Rad Gravity
P: OH THIS GUY IS RAD! LOOK AT THAT JERRY CURL!
(Apparently there is planet Siberia that has teleproters that Rad Gravity needs to get to �continue his quest�)
P: Fuck I upped the frame rate.
P: That guy�s arm is swinging around AWFUL fast. Alright I cant hurt him, whatever.
P: The enemies are actually moving to the beat of the music, they are getting down. Rad Gravity is so rad that his punches split people into 4 parts.
P: Oh that is NOT RAD at all.
P: I can�t go down to the planet Effluvia.
A: How do you spell Effluvia?
P: Back to Siberia. Oh, this�this is epic.
P: Oh�OH!(Avoiding the barrage of twirling fists)
P: THAT GUY IS FLOATING! And I just fucked him up.
P: OH YEAH, I just killed the arm guy. The floating guy looks lik he is wearing a moo moo and has floating legs and his moo moo is levitating him.
P: Aww my score just sky rocketed for some reason/
P: Mu mu is m-u m-u.
P: Rad Gravity is too Rad for me.
Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
A: I�m whippin� bombs
P: Boris looks like a pedophile.
A: Yeah I�d jump his bones.
P: Bullwinkle looks like he�s in blackface when he dies .
A: I wish Snidley fuckin� Titlash would go away
P: It�s not Snidley Whiplash�that�s Dudley Dooright�s Archnemesis
Adventures of Tom Sawyer
Too epic for words.
A: We should make nachos soon.
P: You got fucked by a fatass.
P: I have a red hat an you have white hat. Oh fuck i got smoked by a barrel�.ohhh�Im crying over my homework.
P: That fat ass jumps when you jump�.and that�s game over.
A: I gotta piss.
Advanced Dungeons: Dragon Strike
P: Oh, we have a message on our Wii?
P: Do I want a gold silver or bronze dragon. What�s h for? Hard on? I�m gonna go with a gold dragon. Select difficulty�.yeah, Hard.
P: How is this a dungeons and dragon�s game? Where are the dungeons?
A: How are you still surviving on hard?
P: I�m just fucking flying around. Alright�.apparently dragon�s spring when they die.
A: Your keyboard sucks.
P: Your mom sucks.
P: Ok! I actually got one.
A: Why did you just become big?
P: Because I�m flying low and high�..and I died again. Alright this game is trash.
AD&D: Heroes of the Lance
P: Oh�there�s 4 AD&D games�.and they�re all shit
A: Goldmoon? Sturm? Riverwind? Tanis? TASSLEHOFF?
P: Don�t Tassle the Hoff.
A: Flint, Caramon, Raistlin �.Oh shit�
P: You picked Raistland
H: This game is trash you�re gonna go nowhere fast.
A: Whatever that bitch�s name was, she�s dead. I think I�m FLint now�I just stabbed that person and they exploded�Look at this dance. (ducks and un-ducks repeatredly). Yang from FF4 is kicking my in the shins�.(various invectives�..lots of swearing) Oh I got a guy. Yang is still here though.
P: When he gets hit it looks like he�s thrusting his pelvis �
A: I�m surrounded�Yangs are hard to kill
P: I think you�ve survived long in this game than anyone who�s played it�
A: I�m gonna axe this guy in the knees�.. how am I still alive
P: You�re down to your last guy�
A: I�m pretty sure I�ve been going in circles�.this is the worst game I�ve ever played�
P: This music is a hot jam though.
A: Oh I died.
A: Why would you ride a character?
P: Generate a character. Alright I�m going hafling. Female halfling. (I would like to point out at this time, that the plethora of classes in this game (for a female hafling) tops an insurmountable Fighter, Theif, and the all time favorite�.the Fighter-Theif)
P: OH, alignment. Obviously Chaotic Evil.
A: Name her something stupid. (He proceeds to name her �Shitcock, the female halfling, chaotic evil, fighter-theif.)
P: Saving character�.
P: Apparently I don�t know the controls.
A: That is one slow ass gravity horse.
P: No check it I�m in a gallop. (We laugh as he bails off his horse in a pit) (He arrives at the city of �Hillsfar�)
(There was nothing there)
P: Explore and exit before you are discovered. (He proceeds to enter and try to pick a locked door He failed as somehow none of the keys worked.) (He tries another door and reailizes he broke them all on the first chest)
P: Alright�we�re done.
AD&D Pool of Radience
A: Baba O�Reilly is the theme song. I will be a Female Elf Fight/Magic User/ Thief �.Chaotic Neutral
P: Strength 15�not bad
A: Name�.Shitcock will fit�.I�m gonna have to go with SHITCOCK�Nice grammar videogame�
P: Environ�go to Environ
A: Begin Adventure! A man approaches�I�m Rolf�
(The game is a 1st person RPG with shit-brown colouring)
A: I�m done.
P: Yes! Top-down shmup!
A: No! 3D!
(Behind the back fighter jet game)
A: I�m crashed into�I�m gonna assume the Pacific
(With �Pacific� we reached 1337 words�we are leet.)
A: I�m getting a headache watching this.
P: This is going to be wicked. Ok, your general is a guy with an eyepatch by the looks of it�.or a really poorly shaded face. What was that? The graphics are terrible. Apparently I can�t let these people down.
A: Holy Fuck. That shit�s intense
P: I�m shooting tumours. I died. LOOK YOU MISSED IT AGAIN! Wait for it, it looks like a lamb on top of a wolf, on top of a native�totem�.. I think I�m killing my guys�yeah I am, and more tumours.
A: I can�t wait to see that llama shit. (he dies) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
P: Where is my health? There it is�.oh that�s pretty stupid.
P: HOT JAMS (bouncing in time with the monotonous tick tick tick of the gun shots)
P: LOW FUEL? Nobody told me I had to refuel.
P: Alright we�re done.
P: YOu are approaching the first air fortress�.alright that�s cool, can I play? Oh yes, bring it on assholes.
P: So I look like a gay spaceman uhhhh�riding a surfboard�in space. And I�m shooting spinning capitol Is.
P: Oh, I�m getting of my..surfboard. YOu are now entering the air fortress.
A: What the Christ?
A: Did you die?
P: Nope, I�m going further into the air fortress.
A: You have a jetpack?
A: You can kill those.
P: I guess so.
P: But killing the cylin�oh I can�t kill the cylinders�.This is actually not terrible.
A: Kill that moth. ( he does so, and gets an �E� which I can only assume is Ecstacy, the drug)
P: I believe I have reached a dead end. Oh no, ok. Alrigh that�s mother brain apparently. (I laugh at the resemblence)
P: Alright I killed motherbrain. aaaand now I�m fighting the eye of Sauron.
P: And it doesn�t do anything Woah I killed it, everything�s dark and the music has changed, AND I GOT MY SURFBOARD BACK. FUCK!! (He is speeding through a tunnel)
P: I beat the first Air Fortress, yeah that was fucking wicked.
P: Awwww a windmill killed me.
P: Ohhh�.game over? Oh no Aright moving on. Ar Fortress is actually not terrible.
A: I thought this was on the SNES
P: It was on everything
H: There�s a Super Mario World hack that uses these graphics
A: Oh come on I jumped and fluttered, what more do you want? I died at the first�let�s try this again. I got it now. Don�t worry, crisis averted.
P: It�s almost midnight and we�re not through the A�s�
A: Do you have to like power up your jumps or something? Come on Alfred Chicken �.You bastard get up on that cheese. The first level consists of a block of cheese you can�t jump over. What does that balloon do. That I would actually like to know. And that fucking mouse got me again.
So apparently this game is impossible�.what did I just do? I can totally�I tried to dive peck him but it didn�t work.
(Kills first enemy with a dive peck)
50 points bitches! That balloon apparently does nothing. This game would be wicked if I could figure out how the jumping system worked.
P: That is one DRIPPING alien. So, b is jump and a is gun, that is highly unintuitive. Well, and Alien killed me. Nope ust knocked me down��.oh it knocked me down again.
P: It makes a �you�re dead noise� every time you get knocked down. You clearly have a life meter. That�s annoying. I only have 30 bullets left.
A: This looks like Contra
P: Ehhh, it�s kind of a free roaming contra.
P: I think I�ve hit a dead end. I have grenades (A sudden realisation)
P: �..and a flamethrower, and a gun, which is out of bullets, and a�shotgun I guess? And�grenades. Ummm, still at a dead end.
A: There you go climb up the ladder.
P: This is where I came from. UH! Ok, now we�re making some progress. (after a switch reveals a path)
P: If you hold jump, he keeps jumping.
P: Apparently I�ve rescued 2 p-�time up, you failed to rescue�.well then, moving on.
P: I got Process Cheese Product on my computer.
A: That you did.
A: Alien Syndrome...