I don't mean to brag or anything, but I once farted so loudly that I scared my grandma, and I feel like I should be remembered specifically for that one feat, and nothing else.
Permanent Status:
Of all that’s ever drawn dread from deep within me, Miss Piggy pursuing me on roller skates remains my most vivid waking nightmare, my constant companion these long years: relentless, fury-filled, remorseless swine, she haunts my waking hours.
It may not be the day of, but Happy Belated, Gaj! I don't really know what "dank" means, but I've heard tell that you have "dank" in ample supply. Mayhap you could spare some for an old warhorse who lost touch with the kids when the Pong came out. XoXo
Your regular reminder that this is real and it happened:
Oh-ho, we’re goin’tbe doin’ uh thing over here, ehhhyAap, I so reckon.
Happy Birthday to Chronolynxx, a cat-man and a time traveller, I can only assume. Patron kitty of the ever-popular TGIF blogs, Chrono suffers the desert as I do, but I hope you have a good one regardless, man. Get you some Birfday, and make it stanky.
Once more, Dtoid shows itself to be the best community a nerd could ask for. Y'all are lovely, and you've all warmed my crusty old heart: I am grateful for, honored, and humbled by your well-wishes. I am blessed beyond measure by you all. XoXo, Heston
It’s time to lurch my haunches into this newfangled “next gen” the youth won’t stop yammering on about. Big ol’ Heston Hug™ to m’boy PatBateman, who, out of the goodness of his psychopathic heart, sold this monstrosity to me at cost.
Happy Birthday, Frosty! I'll always remember that Halo playthrough that nearly killed you, Gus, and Renaud. And another Happy Birthday to Ninja, the aptly named regular/lurker! May you both have long days and pleasant nights. Now embrace me.
Who among you has done this? Which of you, against Dtoid holy writ, continues to deface and sully our sacred symbol, our holiest number? Emerge from the shadows, thou Judas, thou of blackened heart; stand and be judged for your most heinous of crimes.
Current Status
Happy 4th of July, Canada Day, St. George's Day, Maidyoshahem Gahambar, fucking Groundhog Day, and National Pussy Safari Observance Day, you fucking shitbags! Chag sameach, Frohe Festtage, Nowruz Piruz, Scrotal Trauma!
Alright Qtoid, ol' Heston's about to drop a game deuce in the comments. Y'all know the drill: you claim it, say something. First come first served. BUMP: Three games remain. Is free. Come take. FINAL BUMP. MORE GAMES ADDED. COME GET YOU SOME, PIGGY.
Vadicta, true to his word.
This one goes out to our resident psychopath and dear sweetheart, PatBateman(numbers).
Of all of the fake games created for Steam's little Summer Sale minigame/quest, I was most disappointed to find that this one does not exist, nor likely ever will, because evidently I am not anyone's target demographic. Suckle my man-berries, game devs.
Now & Forever status:
Meanwhile, at Destructoid's Laboratories.
BEHOLD, BEEF PLATE. COWER BEFORE THE GRANDEUR OF BEEF PLATE. BEEF PLATE DEMANDS YOUR OBEISANCE. BEEF PLATE IS ALL: THE ALPHA, AND THE OMEGA; THE BEGINNING, AND THE END. HEED THE HOWL OF BEEF PLATE, AND IT MAY YET DEIGN TO SPARE YOU AND YOUR FRAIL KIN.
Today. Today, my friends, is a good day. Seize it.
Greatest dual Ross find of all time; went in for briefs, found these. Hard to tell from photo, but they’re 3D, and that makes me moist. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to decorate my place with more shit that ensures I’ll never get my dick wet again
This one goes out to Soulbow; my rock, and my muse. Daily Bump until Soulbow swoops in and acknowledges my loving tribute to him (Day 4, you puling Canadian chode), now with added Soulbait™:
Motherfuckin' hamsböygürs, y'all. I've been a dirty, dirty boy, and it's about to get beefy all up ins; gonna run my grease-slicked hands over my naked, nubile chest. My meat moans will echo throughout the halls of Valhalla. I am so uncomfortably erect.
One day, I hope I muster the courage to drop the façade my life has become and pursue my true passion; the strong, primal pull I’ve had my entire life: cornering Michael Douglas in a Burger King men’s room and convincing him to fuck me raw.
Happy Humpday from your generous, hirsute lover, Heston. And also from this fellow I found out in the wild, who shot me a thumbs up out of his car window when he saw me snapping this picture. What can you do? You thumbs-up that son of a bitch right back.
Finally got around to checking out my 2021 Year in Review for Switch fucking whatever thing, and wouldn't you know it:
Some of you may have thought me dead: banish such calamitous ideations. I've simply been busy, at the clubs, dancing to this fellow Ed Sheeran's song by the name of "Shivers" for 93 straight hours. Heston knows how to cut rug until it's on fire, y'all.
Doubt me at your peril. CELEBRATE PERRO.
About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017
I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.
