Lovepost: Rant about life and some huggin' pictures

This will merely be a stream of conciousness with some hokey pictures attached to it from various SMT/Persona games. If you wanna shoot the shit with for me for a moment, this blog might be for you!

So, yup. I haven't been feeling 100 percent lately. Barely 75 or 60. The thought of passing the time in my room no longer calms me, but drives me sort of crazy.

This past week has been particularly heated. Without doping myself up on Benadryl or painkillers, my stomach is in knots and my mind's absolutely racing. Bad dreams wither me hours after waking, me unable to completely feel "out of it" until I can reallocate my senses back to reality. And, outside? Our country hasn't been this divided in years. Thankfully, I have a lot of friends on my side, but it's still tough. 

You read that correctly: I am currently on painkillers. Not my own, but given with consent. It's not entirely ideal of a situation, but I've been out of my own life and my issues (mostly anxiety) have been left unattended to for so long that it takes quite a lot to keep me happy. Well, "happy" is not quite the word. Moreso "sane". 

I'm self-aware painkillers could easily become their own problem, which is why I've not only cut down on them dramatically but I've been steadily considering dropping them entirely. They have, once or twice,  even made me feel worse. Example: If I fall asleep whilst on them, they can give me some super screwy dreams that can quickly get just as real. Waking up, I'm left starting to cry and going to my mum for support. 

My mom. My mommy. She's been so goddamn helpful through all of this. She loves me so much. I love her so much. 

Boy. Just letting all this out is helping a surprising amount!

I haven't touched my music like I should've been in weeks. I've also decided to put off part dos of my last blog indefinitely. I need as much time devoted to just keeping relaxed as possible. Not having any real obligations at the moment is both a blessing and a curse, it seems. 

As of now, I'm scheduled to begin as an out-patient at my local mental health clinic until I see a new psychiatrist next month. I'm desperately hoping they start me on something. My last psychiatrist granted me Lexapro, which kept me up for 28 hours at a time and even then still mostly unable to sleep. I'm probably still feeling the burn from that one, which might explain this past week or two being so incredibly hard. 

Adding to my funk is that I've not done a terrible amount of video gamin' either. 

A couple nights ago, I started playing Rogue Legacy to pass the time. Having tried it before some years back, I'm liking it far more now! Though, I'm not permitting myself to level up until I git gud. Something I do if I ever get to feeling like a game's progression system is acting more as my crutch than as a way of engagement. Because, boy, do I suck.

It, Binding of Isaac on my relatively new Switch, jamming out on my guitar, and watching The Simpsons over and over are most of the things I've been doing to tide myself over. They work, for sure, just not well enough. 

Which brings me to you guys. You guys help a whole whole lot as well. In fact, this place makes up a lot of my socializing because all my friends from my short time at college years back either live dozens/hundreds of miles away or I've fallen out with. I have online friends whom I've known for nearly a decade and they are my very best friends, but I also haven't felt like chatting it up on Skype video + voice given all I've had happening to me. So, I guess even if I had IRL friends close by, I'd still be ducking them. Hrm. 

Destructoid, instead, is now where I come "hang". It's a great hanging out spot, but I probably don't have to tell you that!

I guess I'm done for now? Jotting all this down might be doing more for me, in the long run, than I'm giving it credit for. Might wanna look forward to more of this stuff!

Anyway. I'll leave you all with some snuggles and more kind words. 

LOOK WHO CAME:

Seymour   

Wes Tacos   75

Jiraya   50

DeadMoon   37

Boxman214   24

Larx   22

homeoftheblues   19

AvtrSpirit   18

LaTerry   17

Chris Moyse   17

Gajknight   15

Rasori   12

Guerrilla   12

Scrustle   11

Uber Mashu   10

Luckrequired   10

Pizza in a Tangle   10

JPF720   10

kevlarmonkey   9

bong264   7

Kerrik52   7

nanashi   7

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ShadeOfLight   5

Occams   4

Avoclefo   3

cockaroach   1

Salador   1