Finite Lives Episode 1: Assassins Creed III

For my first foray in what the big boys would call a "satirical audio piece", I've concocted a hard-hitting interview series titled "Finite Lives." In the show I interview a series of (totally fictional) creative types about games, gaming and gameology (the study of games).

In my first episode, I hypothetically travel to Ubisoft's headquarters and interview fictional Creativity Technician and quite possibly racist stereotype Jean-Jacques Bouliabaise about Assassin's Creed III, subtitled: The Patriot Dances With Wolves.

To listen to the stream or download the MP3 go to the link below. at 7 mins 13 seconds it's shorter than some kitten compilations!

Finite Lives Episode 1 stream and download

As an organized sort, I wrote an initial script which I did riff off of a little, but for those of you lovers of the written word, please find below:

Sean: Hi there, welcome to Finite Lives. I am your host, Sean Daisy, your compere extraordinaire. Today I have an exclusive interview with Creativity Technician at Ubisoft [pronounce YOU-BEE-SOFT]...

J-J: Ubisoft? [pronounce YOU-BEE-SOFT]

Sean: I’m sorry?

J-J: Ubisoft [pronounce OOO-BEE-SOFT]. My company is pronounced “Ubisoft”. [pronounce OOO-BEE-SOFT]

Sean: Excuse me. Jean-Jacques Bouliabaise, welcome to the show.

J-J: Excusez-Moi Sean, but please call me J-J. I can’t bear to hear my name sodomised in such a ridiculous fashion.

Sean: Oh. Awfully sorry J-J. As I was saying, he is here to talk about Assassin’s Creed 3, the hotly awaited sequel to Assassin's Creed Revelations, which would probably be a little more hotly anticipated if there weren’t an Assassin’s Creed game every 6 months.

J-J: Sean, if I could stop you there.

Sean: Yes, yes of course.

J-J: No doubt you understand that I am French.

Sean: Indeed I do.

J-J: Well, I hope you understand that English is not my premier language. As such, I hope I do not offend you and accidentally refer to sexual acts with your mother as we talk about the forthcoming Assassin’s Creed Trois.

Sean: No, I hope not, though that would be quite a slip of the tongue.

J-J: Aha! As we say in France, Perhaps that is something your mother would say? Am I right Monsieur Sean?

Sean: Aha! Very good, Mister J-J.

J-J: Yes, I thought you might like that.

Sean: Yes indeed...Now, back to Assassin’s Creed 3, and as far away from my parents as possible. Firstly, you have been involved in Assassin’s Creed from the very beginning.

J-J: That is correct, Monsieur Sean.

Sean: What was the inspiration behind the Assassin’s Creed series?

J-J: Well I have to say Monsieur Sean, the initial pitch was a game in which a man falls asleep inside a computer and eventually learns to have sex with it, but then we realised that this may be considered, how you say, controversial? So we decided to watch Cocktail, The Matrix, Kingdom of Heaven and Ronin, and eat a lot of very strong cheese and drink a lot of very cheap wine, and we decided to make this game about a bartender with a crisis of confidence, that is kidnapped and forced through a computer to relive the time of the Crusades. Quite simple really.

Sean: Ok. Yes. It all makes sense now. Kind of. Now, J-J, what changes are there to the Assassin’s Creed template in III?

J-J: Tres bien. As you may or may not know, Assassin’s Creed Trois is set during the American Revolution. As a Creativity Techniciann, I was obliged to read my first American Revolution history book, and I found that the American Revolution had a lot of guns. Obviously we felt we could include this in the game, thereby indroducing a new feature called “shooting”.

Sean: Like a shooting game?

J-J: I know, right? Oui, it sounds crazy but I promise, if you try it out, you will never look back.

Sean: Right...Are there any features you can exclusively reveal to the good folk at Finite Lives?

J-J: As a matter of fact I do Monsieur sean! We have an interesting new recruitment system. What you do is make a Snowman during the day, and at night you wish upon a star to make the snowman real. If your prayers are heard, you will receive a new recruit in the form of a snowman assassin!

Sean: A snowman...assassin?

J-J: Yes, that is right. He will join your party and fight for you... up until the point that it gets a bit too hot and he melts away.

Sean: Hold on a sec, that doesn’t sound...at all realistic.

J-J: You play a man who can fall hundreds of metres from the tallest tower and land unscathed in a barrow of hay. You think that putting Snowman assassins in the game will SUDDENLY make it unrealistic?

[bSean:[/b] You’ve got me there, J-J. Another subject I was looking to broach with you is the controversial decision to take a particularly partisan attitude in favour of the American side of the Revolutionary War.

J-J: I do not see what is so controversial about it. The British were clearly the bad guys or they would not have lost.

Sean: But surely it would be also interesting to consider the ideology of the American movement. Chief among the ideas of the American Enlightenment were the concepts of liberalism, democracy, republicanism, and religious tolerance. Surely a certain degree of criticism of the beliefs behind this ideology and the modern America we see today would help make the plot behind Assassin’s Creed III a deeper, more rounded affair?

J-J: You are entitled to your opinion Sean, even though it happens to be wrong, but you must understand that if we do not present your cause as entirely noble, this could end up making gamers confused and sad. We want to make it abundantly clear that the men whose heads you are planting tomahawk blades in are bad men. Very bad men indeed.

Sean: J-J, thank you very much for your time.

J-J: De rien, Monsieur Sean. Adieu.

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