Video Game Characters that Make Me Smile

Joachim Valentine



If I had to pick any character from the Shadow Hearts series to be my favorite it would have to be Joachim. He’s a vampire wrestler dandy who, at one point in the game, uses a scale model of the Nautilus submarine as a weapon. Did I mention he can also turn into a golden bat and has a “super hero” form where he puts on a butterfly mask and calls himself Grand Papillon? Salvador Dali couldn’t design a more eclectic, wonderful character.


Alex from SF III



Alex is great for the simple reason that the moment I saw him all I could think of was a house painter who, when not painting houses, was fighting people. That’s it. Warrior house painter. And that’s enough for me.


Cap n’ Hands



An early classic for the original Playstation, Loaded was a top down shooter filled with gore and joy. At the time, it was a violent, beautiful mess and I have fond memories of teenage me playing this for hours on end. Out of the entire bizarre cast of characters, Cap n’ Hands was my favorite. Huh, I just read the wiki for Cap n’ Hands and he had a story. Who knew? Apparently he is an ancient cyber pirate/cowboy? Oh sure. All I know is that he rocked in that game. If you have never played this game, do yourself a favor and check it out. It’s aged a bit but definitely and oldie but a goodie.

Note: I could not, for the life of me, find a picture of Cap n’ Hands so you get the box art



Kung Fu Guy



Fun fact: Kung Fu guy’s name was Thomas. Thomas the Kung Fu guy is badass because he dragon kicks and dick punches hundreds of people to save Sylvia, his girlfriend. That’s classy. This game would go on to inspire the beat em up genre and give us a little game called Final Fight. If that’s not badass, I don’t know what is.



Henry Rollins from Def Jam: Fight for New York





It’s no big secret that I love Henry Rollins. As a musician, author, spoken word artist, and elder statesman of punk, I have a hell of a lot of respect for the man. When I heard that he would be a playable character in Def Jam: Fight for New York, I literally punched the air like Judd Nelson in the last scene of The Breakfast Club. Henry ran the gym where you would train in the game and was an unlockable character for multiplayer mode. I spent many hours beating up hip hop artists with Henry Rollins. While this felt vaguely like a hate crime on some level, I couldn’t help but giggle at watching the former lead singer of Black Flag suplex Xzibit onto a pool table.



Sander Cohen



Sander Cohen is the voice in the back of all our minds that tempts us to cut the wheel as hard as we can and drive off the bridge. Equal parts charming man and psychopathic monster, Sander was arguably the highlight to a milestone in the medium of video games. Still not convinced of his badassness? Then I leave you with a poem:





Mask de Smith



Mask is one of the seven alternate personalities demi-god/wheelchair-bound old bastard Harman Smith is able to manifest in the game Killer 7. He is a luchador who wears a white suit and a purple cape and wields dual grenade launchers. If being spawned from the ubermind of video game Jesus Suda 51 isn’t badass enough, he’s a luchador who wears a white suit and a purple cape and wields dual grenade launchers. That kind of awesome transcends time and space.



King Hippo



King Hippo is the chief of Hippo Island. As a boxer, he’s not that hard to beat as he is too fat to get back up once knocked down. However, there’s something about his tiny crown and mysterious band aid wound that you have to punch that just drew me to him, like a moth to a morbidly obese flame. Currently, I have a king Hippo sticker on my PC tower because I love him. Plus, I believe in a world where King Hippo slash fic exists and this makes me smile.



Augustus "Cole Train" Cole



So yeah, Gears of War….not all the great to me. Gears of War 2 was a notable improvement but still kinda meh in my world. However, Cole Train quickly grew from an annoying stereotype of a character into my fairy godmother in the made for tv movie about my life. Loud, proud and deadly, Cole made an otherwise sluggish game interesting whenever he showed up. I wish he would have been the main character cause then all the hype/acclaim that went to Precious could have gone to the Cole Train movie that no doubt would have been made.

Note: This is a thing that exists in the alternate world I have in my head. It’s pretty swell.

Fun fact: the one and only time I played multiplayer in Gears of War I played as Cole and was able to chainsaw a guy. When I realized the chainsaw attack was successful, I screamed A LOVE SUPREME MOTHERFUCKER into my mic. It was the highlight of my mercifully brief multiplayer career.



The Commandos from General Chaos



In this cartoonish take on war from the Genesis, you can pick from a variety of teams including the assault team, the demolitions team, the brute force troops, or the commandos. The teams consisted of four people armed with different weapons like flamethrowers and dynamite. You and a buddy get together and duke it out for bragging rights. However, if you were super badass, you picked the commandos. Two guys with limited weapons vs a 4-man full fire team and don't you know I won just about every time. Often times I would let one of my commandos die so I could focus on controlling one guy and then proceed to collect a necklace of ears from my friend's team. This game is a classic so go hunt down a copy, grab a buddy and bask in the glory of the commandos.

- Sent from my Lisa Frank Dungeon

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