"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, oh God please help me I can't breathe!" So, those of you who have panic attacks, what do you do to fight them? I've been getting them worse than usual and nothing seems to work for me

Shit, I forgot to tell anyone that I wrote a new blog post and that it's kind of funny-ish and maybe you'll like it because it's about this time GTA: San Andreas started hurling planes out of the sky at me for no reason. Okay, I'll leave you alone now...

Ok, I'm done. Can't think of a good one for Spirited Away. Anyone?

A young witch, on her mandatory year of independent life, finds fitting into a new community difficult while she takes her friends on a river-rafting trip they'll never forget into the dangerous American back-country: Kiki's Deliverance Service

The Clock family are four-inch-tall people who live anonymously in another family's residence, borrowing simple items to make their home. Life changes for the Clocks when their daughter is discovered topless: The Secret Life of Areola

A five year-old boy develops a relationship with a goldfish prostitute who longs to become a human after falling in love with ham: Poonyo

When two girls move to the country to be near their ailing mother, they have adventures with the wondrous massive fuzzy testicle who lives nearby: My Neighbor Scrotoro

When an unconfident young woman is cursed with an old body by a spiteful witch, her only chance of breaking the spell lies with a self-indulgent yet insecure young wizard and his companions in his magical wandering anus: Howl's Moving Asshole

I just spent the better part of the last 6 hours writing samples for Max Applesauce's writing portfolio for his application to Destructoid. It was quite possibly the stupidest waste of my time ever. Set to post at 10am EST. Set your alarms for dumb shit!

I finally decided to do some new longer bloggy posty things, but I can't seem to find one I had saved and marked as hidden. Have I been afflicted with stupid? How do I computer?

Today on Ryu's Recipes: Down, down-forward, forward + lunch = TURDUCKEN!

So many people seem to confuse not getting swept away by the hype with being a miserable, cynical prick about everything. You know, tempered enthusiasm met with mild disappointment is not the greatest fucking tragedy ever. Dare to hope a little for once!

To restore the life of a girl, a young man must travel across the vast landscapes of the forbidden lands on horseback in order to defeat a large Russian mutant who can turn his entire body into metal: Shadow of the Colossus

A series of Rashomon-like flashback accounts shape the story of how one man used the power of rock to defeat three assassins who sought to murder the most powerful warlord in pre-unified China: Guitar Hero

(IT'S DUMP O'CLOCK!!!) A family sets up security cameras around their house and unwittingly capture the antics of a ghost who assists qualified lawyers in their legal work: Paralegal Activity 2

An ex-priest who is now a farmer wakes up one morning to discover a perpendicular line drawn from one extremity of an arc of a circle to the diameter that passes through its other extremity in his corn field: Sines

Sure, it's delicious and healthy, but it also has the capability of moving across any terrain and can launch nuclear missiles: Metal Gear Salad

Seconds before the Earth is set to be demolished by an alien construction crew, a plumber rockets into space on the back of a dinosaur: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Super Mario Galaxy

The year is 1911, the decline of the American Old West. John Marston, a former outlaw, has just woken up and must set out to find some hair gel: Bed Head Redemption

A movie in which a cephalopod watches Jared Leto shit all over a beloved character before it hangs itself by its own tentacles: Suicide Squid

There once was a man from Nantucket / Who carried his lunch in a bucket. / It was weird. --- Roses are red / Violets are flowers / I don't know how to finish this poem and I've been trying for hours...

HEY! Been awhile. How's things? Me? Got a new gaming PC for Xmas. Games? Been playing Try Desperately to Fix Whatever the Hell Went Wrong with Windows 10 That Now Has Everything Literally Unusable. It's good. I mean, it's a nightmare, but still. 8 / 10

I've been trying to write something both video-game-related and interesting, but nothing comes out. So instead, a 3-part Max Applesauce story! As our Lord and Saviour Ben Judd would say, it's better than nothing.

Haiku makes more sense / In Japanese than it does / In English, you know. / --- I don't really care. / I still enjoy writing them. / Though I'd rather wank. / --- Nintendo Direct. / Bringing you reasons to bitch / About your hobby.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "Wait, this tastes weird. What's in this?"

My 2016 gaming schedule. March: Poverty. April: Hopelessness. May: Crying.

What is this space for?