WASHINGTON—In a surprisingly bipartisan decision, both the United States Senate and House of Representatives unanimously approved of funding to provide the nation's Armed Forces with Health Bars in order to protect the troops' safety. ...

G.F.S. OLYMPUS—After spending tireless years backtracking for lost or stolen abilities, renowned bounty hunter Samus Aran announced earlier today that she had finally become fed up with this needless waste of time. In order to prevent th...