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Destructoid Staff Reduced to Chris Carter & Envelope Stuffing Machine


Following the unexpected departure of Dale North, it was announced today that the Destructoid staff has been reduced to one man and an envelope stuffing machine.

Destructoid.com, founded in 2006 by Yanier Gonzalez, has seen a number of high profile departures in the past years including Jim Sterling, Tony Ponce, Conrad Zimmerman, and whomever's job it was to separate editorial from advertising (this sentence is brought to you by Terra Battle from Mistwalker).

North's departure, which will somehow be blamed on #GamerGate, leaves just Chris Carter as the only human employee of Destructoid.com. Carter is best known for his review of The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds, which remains highly controversial because Nintendo fans don't know how to let shit go. Carter's workload has seen a massive increase in the past months as he tries to review every new video game release. When asked how being the only living creature working at Destructoid.com will affect the website, Carter had this to say:

"People should not worry that I'm the only sentient being left. They can expect the same quality game coverage Destructoid.com is known for: regurgitated press releases, reviews that are four weeks late, those stories that are just three sentences and a shit ton of pictures, and as much clickbait as I can possibly make."

Carter also confirmed the standards for which C-Blogs are approved for the front page have been significantly lowered and will now include complaining about your backlog, pointless Top-10 lists, anything written by R. Hoffmann, news pieces you obviously copied from other gaming websites and all articles where English is clearly the second language. When asked if Carter fears losing his position, he joked, "So long as the envelope stuffing machine can't play Mario, my job will be safe." A software update that would teach the envelope machine to play Call of Duty is still in alpha. 

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About CJ Andriessenone of us since 6:56 PM on 10.14.2014

Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.