Completely Reasonable Predictions for Capcom's Mystery Game

It must be pretty awful being Capcom. Back in the NES days, they started off on a pretty spectacular foot, basically having the best games in the business outside of Nintendo’s own; Bionic Commando, Duck Tales, Mega Man, then Mega Man again, then another Mega Man, then another, then Final Fight, then Mega Man again… The whole thing damned them for the future, frankly, ensuring that every other game they made would forever be held to the high standards of their past work.

Still, they did a bang-up job with Resident Evil, Dino Crisis and, of course, Bonkers on the SNES. And unlike a certain, long-standing Japanese developer that rhymes with “Bonami”, Capcom has aged gracefully; more a peak-shape war veteran than a doddering liability who pisses himself and thinks he invented the Tamagotchi.

Recently, Capcom teased that an upcoming game would surprise their fans, making them say – and I quote – “Woah, they’re making that?”. Brushing aside how utterly ambiguous that statement is, the internet has now decided that Capcom are bringing back a long-dormant franchise, even though there’s absolutely nothing in that statement to confirm that.

Well, I don’t jump on the hype train, readers; I drive that bad boy - straight through Dreamstown and into Dashed Hopes Central. So, all aboard as I plough this tortured train metaphor into the dusty stations of forgotten Capcom games! Choo-choo!

Capcom Classics Collection Collection – Remember in the old days, you’d have to swap your cartridges whenever you wanted to play a different game? Wasn’t that a pain? Well, in 2006 Capcom heard your entitled whinging and released the Capcom Classics Collections – Volume 1, Volume 2, Reloaded, and Remixed, each with multiple games on-disc. Problem solved!
Or not. More than a decade later, we’re back at square one, and if we want to play a different Classics Collection, we’re still forced to swap discs like some kind of hunchbacked simpleton. Not a problem with the Capcom Classics Collection Collection! All your favourite Capcom Collections, in one even more compact collection! And good news – there’s three different bundles to choose from!

Not Mega Man Legends 3 – Apart from not being Mega Man Legends 3, the possibilities for Not Mega Man Legends 3 are endless! Is it a fighting game? A shoot ‘em up? An emotional narrative experience told from the perspective of a brave puppy? Who knows! At this early stage, the only thing we know about Not Mega Man Legends 3 is that it’s not Mega Man Legends 3, and we can’t wait to find out more!

Dragon’s Dogma 2: My Legs Hurt – So, fact time: fantasy RPGs are shit. Give a developer a world of unlimited possibilities - where magic can achieve literally fucking anything - and they’ll still fill it with the same dragons, orcs, goblins, and Harry Potter bullcrap we’ve seen a billion times before. Then they’ll stick it in a world of endless browns and greens, and have your victories dictated by how patiently you can watch your little bean counter tick upwards. I know they’re shit, you know they’re shit, and Capcom knows they’re shit. Which is why Dragon’s Dogma 2: My Legs Hurt will force you to trek across even more egregious stretches of empty land than its predecessor, long before anything remotely exciting happens. Because if you’d rather play the same old crap for years upon years, while genuine brilliance such as Viewtiful Joe goes ignored, you can stay in bloody Middle Earth until you learn.

Resident Evil 6 – No, not that Resident Evil 6, but its identically-titled remake, Resident Evil 6. Relive all the fast-paced, white-knuckle action of the original, now with static camera angles and woefully limited inventory space, all set to the soundtrack of Eiichiro Sasaki repeatedly screaming “There! Is this what you wanted? Are you happy now?!”.

Dino Crisis 4: Being LiopleuroJohn Malkovitch - The Dino Crisis trilogy began on Earth, went back in time for the second instalment, and jumped the inter-galactic astro-shark in the third by taking place in space, of all things. Where to go for the fourth? John Malkovitch’s Head, naturally.  

Cannon Spike – I hope to God it’s Cannon Spike.

What long-forgotten or otherwise neglected Capcom series would you like to see return? Let me know in the comments so I can silently judge you!

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