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40 Years - Turn to Gold


March 13th, 2021. This date is very important to me. First, it's my 40th birthday. Certainly a milestone I never even considered reachable. Last, it's the 10 year anniversary of the release of my first official album "Walking in Circles".

A lot of you don't know it, but Walking in Circles was supposed to be my only album. I was going to release it, and then give up. What made me change my mind? People like you, that chose to be my friend, maybe listened to a few tracks, and just was there for me. You've helped me come a long way, and I wish this blog post was more good news than bad. But it isn't.

Looking over the numbers, and remembering the past, I don't know how much longer I want to keep going. The bottom line is that I'm a nobody. My music has reached so few people, that I was probably better off keeping it to myself. We could've formed friendships over meaningful things, but instead, for 10 years, I've been a sad, pathetic shill.

I inherited my father's paranoia. I don't know who is truly my friend, or just pretending. I feel so alone and I would feel hated, but I feel it's even worse. People don't care enough about me to hate me. The people that take the time to reach out to me, I push away because I hate myself, and feel I don't deserve good friends. I don't deserve any of the "good" in my life, and I'm just falling apart, waiting for my world to fall apart. Waiting for death to take me away naturally (no suicide), leaving us all better off.

I lived most of my life in a haze of forgetfulness and anger. I got medication in 2009 which helps greatly, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a loser. I feel that more people are laughing at me behind my back, if I was worth something. I'm not a good friend. After this post, forget about me, please.

From this point on, if I am alive, I'll continue to write music, but I won't say anything. I'm done.

To those that enjoyed my music, or my friendship, I thank you. And I'm sorry. Everyone else, that laughed at me behind my back, or didn't really care about me to begin with, I would ask why you would treat people like that, but honestly I'm just going to assume that you hate yourself too. You put others down to feel better about yourself. You kept me around because at least you're not me, you tell yourself.

With all that said, I only got one more thing to say.


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About Alphadeusone of us since 4:33 PM on 04.02.2012