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The Actual Charlton Heston
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I don't mean to brag or anything, but I once farted so loudly that I scared my grandma, and I feel like I should be remembered specifically for that one feat, and nothing else.


 
 
 
 

Of all that’s ever drawn dread from deep within me, Miss Piggy pursuing me on roller skates remains my most vivid waking nightmare, my constant companion these long years: relentless, fury-filled, remorseless swine, she haunts my waking hours.


 
 
 

It may not be the day of, but Happy Belated, Gaj! I don't really know what "dank" means, but I've heard tell that you have "dank" in ample supply. Mayhap you could spare some for an old warhorse who lost touch with the kids when the Pong came out. XoXo


 
 
 
 
 

Happy Birthday to Chronolynxx, a cat-man and a time traveller, I can only assume. Patron kitty of the ever-popular TGIF blogs, Chrono suffers the desert as I do, but I hope you have a good one regardless, man. Get you some Birfday, and make it stanky.


 
 
 

Once more, Dtoid shows itself to be the best community a nerd could ask for. Y'all are lovely, and you've all warmed my crusty old heart: I am grateful for, honored, and humbled by your well-wishes. I am blessed beyond measure by you all. XoXo, Heston


 
 
 

It’s time to lurch my haunches into this newfangled “next gen” the youth won’t stop yammering on about. Big ol’ Heston Hug™ to m’boy PatBateman, who, out of the goodness of his psychopathic heart, sold this monstrosity to me at cost.


 
 
 

Happy Birthday, Frosty! I'll always remember that Halo playthrough that nearly killed you, Gus, and Renaud. And another Happy Birthday to Ninja, the aptly named regular/lurker! May you both have long days and pleasant nights. Now embrace me.


 
 
 

Who among you has done this? Which of you, against Dtoid holy writ, continues to deface and sully our sacred symbol, our holiest number? Emerge from the shadows, thou Judas, thou of blackened heart; stand and be judged for your most heinous of crimes.


 
 
 
 

Happy 4th of July, Canada Day, St. George's Day, Maidyoshahem Gahambar, fucking Groundhog Day, and National Pussy Safari Observance Day, you fucking shitbags! Chag sameach, Frohe Festtage, Nowruz Piruz, Scrotal Trauma!



 
 
 

Alright Qtoid, ol' Heston's about to drop a game deuce in the comments. Y'all know the drill: you claim it, say something. First come first served. BUMP: Three games remain. Is free. Come take. FINAL BUMP. MORE GAMES ADDED. COME GET YOU SOME, PIGGY.


 
 
 
 

This one goes out to our resident psychopath and dear sweetheart, PatBateman(numbers).



 
 
 

Of all of the fake games created for Steam's little Summer Sale minigame/quest, I was most disappointed to find that this one does not exist, nor likely ever will, because evidently I am not anyone's target demographic. Suckle my man-berries, game devs.


 
 
 
 
 

BEHOLD, BEEF PLATE. COWER BEFORE THE GRANDEUR OF BEEF PLATE. BEEF PLATE DEMANDS YOUR OBEISANCE. BEEF PLATE IS ALL: THE ALPHA, AND THE OMEGA; THE BEGINNING, AND THE END. HEED THE HOWL OF BEEF PLATE, AND IT MAY YET DEIGN TO SPARE YOU AND YOUR FRAIL KIN.


 
 
 
 

Greatest dual Ross find of all time; went in for briefs, found these. Hard to tell from photo, but they’re 3D, and that makes me moist. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to decorate my place with more shit that ensures I’ll never get my dick wet again


 
 
 

This one goes out to Soulbow; my rock, and my muse. Daily Bump until Soulbow swoops in and acknowledges my loving tribute to him (Day 4, you puling Canadian chode), now with added Soulbait™:



 
 
 
 

Motherfuckin' hamsböygürs, y'all. I've been a dirty, dirty boy, and it's about to get beefy all up ins; gonna run my grease-slicked hands over my naked, nubile chest. My meat moans will echo throughout the halls of Valhalla. I am so uncomfortably erect.


 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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