Happy Birthday, Frosty! I'll always remember that Halo playthrough that nearly killed you, Gus, and Renaud. And another Happy Birthday to Ninja, the aptly named regular/lurker! May you both have long days and pleasant nights. Now embrace me.

Who among you has done this? Which of you, against Dtoid holy writ, continues to deface and sully our sacred symbol, our holiest number? Emerge from the shadows, thou Judas, thou of blackened heart; stand and be judged for your most heinous of crimes.

Current Status

Happy 4th of July, Canada Day, St. George's Day, Maidyoshahem Gahambar, fucking Groundhog Day, and National Pussy Safari Observance Day, you fucking shitbags! Chag sameach, Frohe Festtage, Nowruz Piruz, Scrotal Trauma!

Alright Qtoid, ol' Heston's about to drop a game deuce in the comments. Y'all know the drill: you claim it, say something. First come first served. BUMP: Three games remain. Is free. Come take. FINAL BUMP. MORE GAMES ADDED. COME GET YOU SOME, PIGGY.

Vadicta, true to his word.

This one goes out to our resident psychopath and dear sweetheart, PatBateman(numbers).

Of all of the fake games created for Steam's little Summer Sale minigame/quest, I was most disappointed to find that this one does not exist, nor likely ever will, because evidently I am not anyone's target demographic. Suckle my man-berries, game devs.

Now & Forever status:

Meanwhile, at Destructoid's Laboratories.

BEHOLD, BEEF PLATE. COWER BEFORE THE GRANDEUR OF BEEF PLATE. BEEF PLATE DEMANDS YOUR OBEISANCE. BEEF PLATE IS ALL: THE ALPHA, AND THE OMEGA; THE BEGINNING, AND THE END. HEED THE HOWL OF BEEF PLATE, AND IT MAY YET DEIGN TO SPARE YOU AND YOUR FRAIL KIN.

Today. Today, my friends, is a good day. Seize it.

This one goes out to Soulbow; my rock, and my muse. Daily Bump until Soulbow swoops in and acknowledges my loving tribute to him (Day 4, you puling Canadian chode), now with added Soulbait™:

What’s in the box LOL winky face emoji #BestLife #Nintendo #Anal #Stepmom

Motherfuckin' hamsböygürs, y'all. I've been a dirty, dirty boy, and it's about to get beefy all up ins; gonna run my grease-slicked hands over my naked, nubile chest. My meat moans will echo throughout the halls of Valhalla. I am so uncomfortably erect.

One day, I hope I muster the courage to drop the façade my life has become and pursue my true passion; the strong, primal pull I’ve had my entire life: cornering Michael Douglas in a Burger King men’s room and convincing him to fuck me raw.

Happy Humpday from your generous, hirsute lover, Heston. And also from this fellow I found out in the wild, who shot me a thumbs up out of his car window when he saw me snapping this picture. What can you do? You thumbs-up that son of a bitch right back.

Finally got around to checking out my 2021 Year in Review for Switch fucking whatever thing, and wouldn't you know it:

Some of you may have thought me dead: banish such calamitous ideations. I've simply been busy, at the clubs, dancing to this fellow Ed Sheeran's song by the name of "Shivers" for 93 straight hours. Heston knows how to cut rug until it's on fire, y'all.

Doubt me at your peril. CELEBRATE PERRO.

I'm a man of my word.

Look, I don't pop in often on account of being legally dead and also these type-computers confuse my fingers, but our good friend Perro got promoted today, and I think we should all celebrate that. And if you disagree, I will find you and mount you.

Happy First Night of Hanukkah, from your ol' pal, Heston! May it be full of merriment, candles, exotic breads, undeniably Jewish fish, and foreign headwear! Chag Sameach, you filthy animals!

Happy Birthday, Kevin and Sam! Hope it was a day of revelry for you both, full of gaiety and frivolity! Possibly nudity, depending on how y'all like to roll on your days of birth.

Happiest of Birthdays to an absolute sweetheart and force for positivity, Chris Moyse! I hope your day is filled with joy and revelry, peace and contentment, and cake (if you want cake; if not, something equally delicious). You're a precious gem, Chris!