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The Actual Charlton Heston
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One day, I hope I muster the courage to drop the façade my life has become and pursue my true passion; the strong, primal pull I’ve had my entire life: cornering Michael Douglas in a Burger King men’s room and convincing him to fuck me raw.


Happy Humpday from your generous, hirsute lover, Heston. And also from this fellow I found out in the wild, who shot me a thumbs up out of his car window when he saw me snapping this picture. What can you do? You thumbs-up that son of a bitch right back.


Finally got around to checking out my 2021 Year in Review for Switch fucking whatever thing, and wouldn't you know it:


Some of you may have thought me dead: banish such calamitous ideations. I've simply been busy, at the clubs, dancing to this fellow Ed Sheeran's song by the name of "Shivers" for 93 straight hours. Heston knows how to cut rug until it's on fire, y'all.


Look, I don't pop in often on account of being legally dead and also these type-computers confuse my fingers, but our good friend Perro got promoted today, and I think we should all celebrate that. And if you disagree, I will find you and mount you.


Happy First Night of Hanukkah, from your ol' pal, Heston! May it be full of merriment, candles, exotic breads, undeniably Jewish fish, and foreign headwear! Chag Sameach, you filthy animals!


Happy Birthday, Kevin and Sam! Hope it was a day of revelry for you both, full of gaiety and frivolity! Possibly nudity, depending on how y'all like to roll on your days of birth.


Happiest of Birthdays to an absolute sweetheart and force for positivity, Chris Moyse! I hope your day is filled with joy and revelry, peace and contentment, and cake (if you want cake; if not, something equally delicious). You're a precious gem, Chris!


Alright Dtoid, ol' man Heston needs your help with a PS4 issue. Since last night, I haven't been able to get it to recognize certain games. Starting today, it's progressed to the point of not recognizing any. Further details inside.


It’s go time: gonna get greasy-deep in a shoggoth. Gonna fondle those supple contours, plumb the aphotic depths into the mushy, goo-slicked core of forbidden sensual & eldritch delights. Rolling for sixes and nines, mmmmfff.


Had that dream again in which Radar from MASH moves in with me, but he has the body of a rotisserie chicken and only speaks in Latin chants and he keeps leaving his dirty towels on the bathroom floor but they're covered with chicken grease. End it, God.


Happy Birthday to a brother, a violent & hirsute lover, a convicted animal shelter arsonist, a hot air balloon adventurer, an amateur Ron Jeremy impersonator, a chanteuse, and one of 5 people with immunity to scabies. Love ya Mike, truly. Fuck this dog.


While it isn’t ideal to not have a permanent home, there is real satisfaction in being able to load all your shit into your car and take off in 20 minutes to new horizons; like some kind of Heston Hobo or Gunnery Gypsy. Part to me, yon seas: I roam.


My phone didn’t ring once while they were casting this Mario shindig. Not. Fucking. Once. What the hell, Nintendo. I bring class, charisma, and undeniable sexual magnetism to any project I’m involved with. You’ll rue this; you’ll ALL rue this.


Harpy Borjday to Ravenclaw, a swell and sweet fella who deserves the best things in life. On that note, I wrote and will now perform this original piece, in honor of your special day. Mazel tov and l’chaim!


Ol’ Heston plays & enjoys video games (it’s true!), but it’s been a while since his frugal (some say miserly) ass has bought one. Battle Brothers, Switch. Any thoughts on it? Kisses? Bonerjams? Is that you, Pop-pop? Stay away from my berry preserves


Y'all need to stop getting older. Honky Bartday, Chrono! Kiss Jesus for me when you see him!


I'd like to sincerely thank y'all for the Birthday wishes today, from the bottom of my Heston heart. Dtoid has been a home to me for years now, and y'all are an online family. I treasure this place and you folks. So, again, thank you all. XoXo, Heston


Happiest of Birthdays to TheIntern! You've always been a cool and chill dude in every interaction we've had, with a great sense of humor. I hope this day finds you blessed to the tits, cranked to the nines with joy, and gleefully nude.


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.