Guten morgen, here is this. And I love you.

Current Status

Age of Darkness has its hooks in me, real deep-like. Made it to the last phase. A valiant stand was taken against the endless, reasty nightmare hordes; over 8,000 slain as they crashed against the bulwark of my defenses. All for naught, but 'twas glorious

For my 300th Qpost in my 5 years here, I’d like to use this opportunity to say: I am honored to be here among y’all. This place truly is a refuge in an often dreary & draining world. Cheers to you all, and a hearty Heston hug, Dtoid. Keep shining.

Hi, I am alive, and this is a hot dog. It is grass fed, polish, wrapped in prosciutto, topped with guac on a bed of In-N-Out spread, seasoned with Lawry’s on a slice of Dave’s Killer Bread, and I am the President of Hot Dogs. Salute my meat.

Happiest of Birthdays to RiffRaff, he who both riffs, and raffs, presumably. I hope it's a great one, buddy. Always enjoy interacting with you. Here's an album that "slaps", as the kids say. Dance your pale, gangly ass off, bud.

Merry fucking Day of Days, you glorious turds. I haven't much to say, only that it's been an honor to be among you all for another year. I joined Dtoid almost 5 years ago, (On the 24th), and I can comfortably say that this is home. Warm, and full of dongs

Happy Birthday, Ves! Tender lovin', and hugs and kisses to you, from my swarthy, hirsute bosom to yours.

Interesting mechanic Midnight Suns uses for recruiting Spider-Man to your team. True story. Bold move, Firaxis.

Four days until I can be the best there is at what I do, and what I do is click on people on-screen who are wearing leotards and tell them what to do while I eat slices of beef with no utensils whilst using my wife beater as a napkin.

Who indeed.

Happiest of Thanksgivings to my fellow Americans! Although admittedly a portly and uneducated country, we get one thing right: the slaying and subsequent sodomizing of the foulest of birds. May we ravage their number until none are left standing.

Watching through HBO's John Adams for the fourth time. Such a treat. The whole cast is immaculate; and Laura Linney especially shines as Abigail Adams, and is easily best girl, now and forever, fight me.

Gonna be a rootin’-tootin’ chicken lootin’ night, y’all. All I require now is an audience, sexy sax music, and a silk robe. Witness me, Mike. Bear witness to my ascension; my apotheosis. Draped in the finest chicken skins, I enter Valhalla's gate.

Finally, a Youtube video tailor-made for myself and my now sopping wet penis.

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers, from your ol' pal Heston, who is currently bare-chested and lathered with sweet, delicious corn syrup.

Spank me, y'all.

I don't mean to brag or anything, but I once farted so loudly that I scared my grandma, and I feel like I should be remembered specifically for that one feat, and nothing else.

Permanent Status:

Of all that’s ever drawn dread from deep within me, Miss Piggy pursuing me on roller skates remains my most vivid waking nightmare, my constant companion these long years: relentless, fury-filled, remorseless swine, she haunts my waking hours.

It may not be the day of, but Happy Belated, Gaj! I don't really know what "dank" means, but I've heard tell that you have "dank" in ample supply. Mayhap you could spare some for an old warhorse who lost touch with the kids when the Pong came out. XoXo

Your regular reminder that this is real and it happened:

Happy Birthday to Chronolynxx, a cat-man and a time traveller, I can only assume. Patron kitty of the ever-popular TGIF blogs, Chrono suffers the desert as I do, but I hope you have a good one regardless, man. Get you some Birfday, and make it stanky.

Once more, Dtoid shows itself to be the best community a nerd could ask for. Y'all are lovely, and you've all warmed my crusty old heart: I am grateful for, honored, and humbled by your well-wishes. I am blessed beyond measure by you all. XoXo, Heston

It’s time to lurch my haunches into this newfangled “next gen” the youth won’t stop yammering on about. Big ol’ Heston Hug™ to m’boy PatBateman, who, out of the goodness of his psychopathic heart, sold this monstrosity to me at cost.