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The Actual Charlton Heston
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Happy Birthday, Ves! Tender lovin', and hugs and kisses to you, from my swarthy, hirsute bosom to yours.


 
 
 

Interesting mechanic Midnight Suns uses for recruiting Spider-Man to your team. True story. Bold move, Firaxis.


 
 
 

Four days until I can be the best there is at what I do, and what I do is click on people on-screen who are wearing leotards and tell them what to do while I eat slices of beef with no utensils whilst using my wife beater as a napkin.



 
 
 
 

Happiest of Thanksgivings to my fellow Americans! Although admittedly a portly and uneducated country, we get one thing right: the slaying and subsequent sodomizing of the foulest of birds. May we ravage their number until none are left standing.


 
 
 

Watching through HBO's John Adams for the fourth time. Such a treat. The whole cast is immaculate; and Laura Linney especially shines as Abigail Adams, and is easily best girl, now and forever, fight me.


 
 
 

Gonna be a rootin’-tootin’ chicken lootin’ night, y’all. All I require now is an audience, sexy sax music, and a silk robe. Witness me, Mike. Bear witness to my ascension; my apotheosis. Draped in the finest chicken skins, I enter Valhalla's gate.


 
 
 
 

Happy Halloween, motherfuckers, from your ol' pal Heston, who is currently bare-chested and lathered with sweet, delicious corn syrup.




 
 
 
 

I don't mean to brag or anything, but I once farted so loudly that I scared my grandma, and I feel like I should be remembered specifically for that one feat, and nothing else.


 
 
 
 

Of all that’s ever drawn dread from deep within me, Miss Piggy pursuing me on roller skates remains my most vivid waking nightmare, my constant companion these long years: relentless, fury-filled, remorseless swine, she haunts my waking hours.


 
 
 

It may not be the day of, but Happy Belated, Gaj! I don't really know what "dank" means, but I've heard tell that you have "dank" in ample supply. Mayhap you could spare some for an old warhorse who lost touch with the kids when the Pong came out. XoXo


 
 
 
 
 

Happy Birthday to Chronolynxx, a cat-man and a time traveller, I can only assume. Patron kitty of the ever-popular TGIF blogs, Chrono suffers the desert as I do, but I hope you have a good one regardless, man. Get you some Birfday, and make it stanky.


 
 
 

Once more, Dtoid shows itself to be the best community a nerd could ask for. Y'all are lovely, and you've all warmed my crusty old heart: I am grateful for, honored, and humbled by your well-wishes. I am blessed beyond measure by you all. XoXo, Heston


 
 
 

It’s time to lurch my haunches into this newfangled “next gen” the youth won’t stop yammering on about. Big ol’ Heston Hug™ to m’boy PatBateman, who, out of the goodness of his psychopathic heart, sold this monstrosity to me at cost.


 
 
 

Happy Birthday, Frosty! I'll always remember that Halo playthrough that nearly killed you, Gus, and Renaud. And another Happy Birthday to Ninja, the aptly named regular/lurker! May you both have long days and pleasant nights. Now embrace me.


 
 
 

Who among you has done this? Which of you, against Dtoid holy writ, continues to deface and sully our sacred symbol, our holiest number? Emerge from the shadows, thou Judas, thou of blackened heart; stand and be judged for your most heinous of crimes.


 
 
 
 

Happy 4th of July, Canada Day, St. George's Day, Maidyoshahem Gahambar, fucking Groundhog Day, and National Pussy Safari Observance Day, you fucking shitbags! Chag sameach, Frohe Festtage, Nowruz Piruz, Scrotal Trauma!



 
 
 

Alright Qtoid, ol' Heston's about to drop a game deuce in the comments. Y'all know the drill: you claim it, say something. First come first served. BUMP: Three games remain. Is free. Come take. FINAL BUMP. MORE GAMES ADDED. COME GET YOU SOME, PIGGY.


 
 
 


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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