Uhhhh, now I have to think of more headers
[[Hey guys, what's up? Itz ya boy, FF Moose! Ready to jump inta part DOS with you. Be sure to like and subscribe. And, of course, ring that bell! So, without further ado, let's GOOOOOOO!!!
Oh, and here's Part 1. If you're just lost and ended up here with no context.]]
*Takes a sippy – a sippy for daddy*
♪Uhh en BAD ROMANCE♪
This might not be clear to the reader. O’ Fearless Reader, rather. I’m sorry… But I do have music playing in the other room just so I can keep the vibes going as I just…mentally DIE halfway through this recording. That’s why I made a reference to sssomething…before. I don’t know if I’m going to transcribe it. I don’t even remember what the reference was to. But there’s a bunch of…music videos playing in the…t-th-on the TV that’s…fairly close to me in proximity.
Um, I wanted to play – I wanted to replay music I’ve listened to on YouTube. But when I went to the YouTube, uhhh, music tab on YouTube it didn’t give me that option. So I just played…a playlist of “remastered” music videos… I don’t know how they’re remastered, probably because I’m not looking at the screen right now. Ee-but right now Lady Gaga’s playing. And it’s Bad Romance. And this song is probably, like, in the top 5 of my Lady Gaga songs. Granted, ALL Lady Gaga songs are probably below the top 100 of my favorite songs. But…*smacks lips* You know, like, 3 of those, at least, are pretty decent songs I would listen to. If they played on the radio, I would get into.
♪Welcome to RO-mance♪
All right, so Sonic’s a bro. I think I explained that. And then I went on a rant about Lost World, or something. I have very bad short-term memory at the moment, so I don’t remember what I just talked about. Definitely doesn’t help with my validity. Not validity. Uhh…CREDIBILITY. That’s the word I was looking for.
Why’d I preorder…Sonic Frontiers instead of God of War Ragnarok?
You know what, Sonic Frontiers looks really cool. I’m not gonna lie. Like, when I saw Sonic Forces… When they first teased it, I was excited. But I literally remember – I LITERALLY FUCKING remember, they showed the first trailer and it was like, “Oh, so you make, like, a…custom character. So, you know, that’s kinda cool…” And then they showed fuckin’ Classic Sonic running, and I was like, “Soooo, you learned the wrong lesson from Sonic Generations, is what you’re telling me.”
Sidenote: Sonic Generations isn’t that good. And I don’t like it that much. Mm-BUT, it’s not bad, either. You know, I kinda like it. I like Sonic Colors a lot more.
I also like the Wii version of Sonic Unleashed a lot more. Even though I think I repressed all the Werehog levels from my mind, ‘cause I don’t remem – *laughs* – I don’t remember a single thing about playing them. Except that they were in there. *Laughs more* I also can’t speak on the 360/PS3 version. I never played that version. I only played the Wii version. Um… I don’t have a good explanation for you as to why I only played the Wii version. That’s just…how events…transpired.
Anyway, back to…Sonic Generations? I think I was talking about. Sonic Generations kinda sucks… I feel like that, um, position deserves – warrants, because I wanna sound smart – some explanation. And I’m not going to…do that. Um, I’m just going sum this up as basic and simply as I can:
*Inhales* Sonic Generations is comprised of Classic Sonic levels and Modern Sonic levels. The Classic Sonic levels play significantly worse than Sonic the Hedgehog 1 through 3. The Modern Sonic levels play significantly worse than the…non-werehog levels of Sonic Unleashed and the entirety of Sonic Colors. So… You mix those together, you get a decent game. I don’t think Generations is bad. It’s only decent. It’s really a Sonic game that’s more focused on the – uh, exploiting nostalgia. And feeling fast…
Which, um…is fine. I guess. If that’s what you’re looking for. But…it lacks substance as a platformer.
Sonic Colors might’ve spent too much time in the 2D space, but it definitely has platforming in it. And the Wisp is the only good gimmick Sonic Team has ever thought of. Even though it was butchered in Sonic Forces. Um, but the Wisps IN Sonic Colors are actually quite ingenious. Even though…a couple of them are kinda stupid.
And Sonic Colors Ultimate adds in another Wisp. Which, um, actually is kinda cool. It controls a lot better than I thought it would. It just is an issue of the level design not really being built around it. But, in and of itself, it’s kind of a cool power. Which I didn’t expect, based on the reviews that I…read/saw before buying the game. But, when I actually experienced it…pretty cool. I thought if they – if Hover was replaced with Ghost, I think Hover…the hypothetical actually-Ghost version of Hover would’ve been a lot cooler.
Uh, sidenote again: This one isn’t much of a sidenote. But I-I feel like it doesn’t…it doesn’t relate enough to whatever rant I’m currently going on. I-I really hope they update Sonic Colors Ultimate more. Because I REALLY, really like being able to play Sonic Colors again… But the fucking loading times are killing me… Which I think was the original point of the tangent, but I haven’t really talked much about that. Anyway, end of sidenote.
End-end of parenthesis.
I don’t know what I’m talking about right now.
Sonic Colors – I’m not talking about Sonic Colors.
Sonic Frontiers actually looks really cool.
I…when IGN released their preview footage, it looked so fuckin’ lame. And I really wonder…if IGN doesn’t actually get offers for game reveals anymore. Because when they showed off Sonic Frontiers, it looked so baaad. And was really bad for the general marketing of Sonic Frontiers. And I don’t think they’ve had an IGN First moment – that was in parenthesis, aside from the “moment” part [???] – since then. So I really feel like IGN kinda…fffucked up in their coverage. Their pre-release coverage of Sonic Frontiers. And I feel like that’s a big reason why people think Sonic Frontiers looks BAD.
…But it actually looks kinda cool.
[In the liminal time between past and present, IGN actually had another First. Of Atomic Heart, no less! And… I dunno if I’m being too harsh, but I swear their coverage is really bad. Just…check it out:
It’s not just me, right? Like…that was embarrassing to watch and made Atomic Heart look anything but fun. I’m not even one to hate on IGN or any major gaming journalist, but these First reveals don’t feel like they have much direction or production standards.]
I don’t think it’s gonna be great, or anything. But I think it’s at least going to be good.
Which is really the best…you can—
My heater went off. Don’t put this in the-in the actual blog, future me.
I’m going to spend a little time drinking. Ors-I’m going to turn down the heat, actually. Neverm-hold on.
Don’t put this in the blog…motherfucker.
Okay! Actually, put that in the blog, ‘cause I really want to explain right now – I turned off the heat, so the heater’s off. I just watched the beginning of a BTS music video, and it really scared me. And I’m not going to go through the effort of figuring out what music video it was. But it was really…scary, to this drunken version of me. I just want my audience to understand that BTS ss-um…at least in the context of this specific…opening to this specific music video really scared me.
And I also knew it was BTS, somehow. Because they were…a boy band and-that looked Asian.
So I-I guessed, “This must be BTS, right?” And then it was, and I was like, “…Makes sense.”
Sonic Frontiers looks pretty cool, actually. Like, I really want to play it. Especially ‘cause, it’s, like…somehow a mix of Bowser’s Fury and Breath of the Wild. Which sounds like a combo that doesn’t work. And I bet it WON’T work. But it…sounds cool. If my critical mind doesn’t actually think about it.
…Yeah, I’m really excited for Sonic Frontiers. And I’m about to play Bayonetta 3. Like, not when I’m posting this, but when I’m recording this, Bayonetta 3 is, like, 2 days away from being released. And, I’m really excited for Bayonetta 3, but, somehow, I seemta…really only care about Sonic Frontiers. ‘Cause, I don’t know, even if it’s not that good, it-I want to play a game that has warts.
I don’t know how to explain that when I’m drunk. I could probably explain it very well when I’m sober… But right now, I don’t know to explain it. But playing a game that has warts in this state of my gaming career is-sounds way more fulfilling to me then playing a game that’s somehow perfect.
And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Sonic Frontiers is not going to be perfect. It’s gonna have its problems, but it’s also probably going to have redeeming qualities.
I don’t know what I’m basing that off of, ‘cause Sonic Frontiers was a fucking terrible game and I hated every minute I spent playing it [*Forces]. It was such an empty…experience. I…I don’t even remember anything about it except for how stupid the narrative was. I don’t remember a single moment of the gameplay in Sonic Frontiers [*Forces]. I think there was a point where you, like…
…I literally – *laughs* – don’t remember a SINGLE moment in Sonic Frontiers [*Forces]. It was a very bad game.
*Inhales* I remember moments in Sonic Colors. I…don’t remember moments in Sonic Unleashed. But to Sonic Unleashed…defense, that was, like, 12 years ago. And I rented it, and played through it once.
I do remember some narrative beats. Like the li’l…flying chihuahua you had sacrificed himself at the end. And I remember the b-beginning cutscene – that was fuckin’ awesome. I remember when, like, Sonic…head-plants into the ground at both the beginning…and the end of the game.
Which is so funny. I really miss that tone of Sonic, where he’s basically just, like, a Saturday morning cartoon character. I think that’s the perfect s-tone for Sonic. That’s another reason why I really like Sonic Colors, because it captures that tone perfectly.
Whereas Sonic Adventure, and ESPECIALLY Sonic Adventure 3 (i.e., Sonic ’06. I.e., Sonic the Hedgehog. I.e., Sonic the Hedgehog But Not the Good One from the 90s on the SEGA Genesis) – it just took itself way too fucking seriously. Much to the detriment of…itself.
Hold on a minute, I needa…sit, for a second. ‘Cause I feel like vomiting. I don’t think I will. But I feel like it.
*Deep, ostensibly strained breathing*
Brooo, I am soooooooo drunk. Such a lightweight, ‘cause I don’t drink ever.
It’s like a…bottle of…
*Glass bottle sliding and clanking*
Of… Hold on, I’m tryna figure—
Is Brittany Spears playing right now?
…It sounds like Brittany Spears.
I don’t like Brittany Spears.
Not as a person, but I don’t like her music much.
I just wanted to say that.
…For no real reason.
Umm… It only takes a bottle of...
*Loud glass clank*
Sssssssseventeen percent…750 milliliter alcohol to get me to the point of drunkenness where I feel like vomiting.
*Sighs* Well, and the beer. Which is…Sour Monkey Sour…Tripel (?) beer.
Which is pretty good. I don’t like beer, but the sour beers…based on my experience with the Sour Monkey Sour…Tripel beers, not too bad.
If you don’t like beers…then I suggest you drink mead instead. ‘Cause mead’s pretty good. If you don’t want to do that, get sour beers. ‘Cause…it’s-there better.
They’re objectively better, and I don’t care what…the fuck any of you Budweiser pieces of shit tell me… Sour beers are better.
Anyway, umm… Sonic Frontiers looks cool. I think that’s the third time I’ve said this in this rant.
Sonic Frontiers IS cool… And that’s-I don’t-I can’t actually say that, because it hasn’t come out yet.
Sonic Frontiers looks cool. That’s now the fourth time I’ve said that.
I really wanna play Sonic Frontiers. I really don’t even care if it’s not that good. I just wanna play it.
You know, there’s a certain-there’s a certain, umm, it might be Stockholm Syndrome – admittedly. But there’s a certain experience you get when you play a game that…from a design perspective, isn’t very good, but you’re just still engaged in it…
That I didn’t get when I played God of War 2018, and I don’t expect to get when I’m disappointed by God of War Ragnarok—
I’m bringing it back to the point.
We gotta finish this soon, ‘cause it’s really late, and I…need to…finish the alcohol.
Hold on doubly. ‘Cause I…dunno if I should drink right now, ‘cause I feel like vomiting. Maybe I should eat a snack.
Hold on…triply. I’m gonna eat a-eat something.
And I’m gonna…drink more.
And I’m gonna…actually talk about the point of this…fffucking blog…
You pieces of shit. I do this for you people and I’m not even paid for it. How many times do I have to say: I wish I was paid for this shit, because then I’d do it ALL the time…merrily.
Someone pay me.
If I started a – *laughs hysterically* – Patreon *more crazed laughing* for Destructoid blogs, would you people pay me…?
I don’t think you would. I-I don’t expect you to. I’m not gonna do that…
But I do reeaaallly wish I could be paid for this shit, ‘cause I find it a lot more – I dunno – intellectually rewarding than what I currently do for money.
Which I’m not going to tell you right now. But…I definitely won’t in the future.
Anyway, I’m going to eat something.
*Stumbles around kitchen*
Future note for future me: Write ‘ASTERISK…stumbles around kitchen END ASTERISK.’ Because that will perfectly…exemplify what I’m doing right now.
I just yawned. Put that in the transcript as well.
Also, the quote of me saying, “I just yawned,” put that in the transcript as well. In the blog.
I’m also about to go to the bathroom. I think you should put that in the transcript as well, future me. But…you know, you do you. I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.
*Presumably goes to bathroom*
[INTERMISSION. Would you, O’ Fearless Reader, believe that we’re only just about to reach the halfway point? If you wanted to bail now, I’d understand. Most of the arguments concerning the Sonics and Krati have already been stated. At this point, the blog is becoming: Drunk RoomWithaMoose Says the Darnest Things. But, you know…drunk me from the past clearly wants to bail at this point. Yet he kept going for another almost-2 hours. So you can bail, but what does that say about you?
By the way, how ‘bout those midterms? Did you vote? This is the part where people normally chide non-voters. Honestly, though, if you’re not in a swing state, most of your votes would just be a meager drop in the bucket that might as well had never happened. So maybe vote next time. Or don’t. I’m not your uncle…Sam. See what I did there? If you don’t live in the United States, and hence could care less about its midterms, how ‘bout that Liz Truss? That was funny AND sad. If neither of those topics are applicable to your geographical location, then…uh, how ‘bout that…Sun? Always up there, glaring at all of us…MENACINGLY.]
My eyes are so fuckin’ – METAGAME of this blog: Do you think, um, RoomWithaMoose…is gonna vomit in the process of producing this blog? Place your bets now. Future RoomWithaMoose will answer the question of whether or not I vomited… Place your bets.
…You get NOTHING for being right.
Hold on, I need to chew.
Hello again. *Cough* …I don’t remember what the last thing I said was. But I’ve been eating a granola bar while listening to that song that goes, “Video kills the radio-star.” And I thought about how…it’s really weird that we live in a time period that exist contradictory to the assumption of the…GenX/MTV days that wiiith music videos and movies and television shows, and video in general becoming a more generalized, societal thing, that the radio was going to die off. And yet we live in this time period where the radio is, perhaps, more alive than it’s been since theuhhhhh…50s? Whenever radio started to die off…
It’s like we live in this moment that was literally 70 years in the making. Not literally, unless I’m right about what I just said. But literally enough.
…That’s fuckin’ crazy, bro.
Like, they were talking about radio dying off 40 years ago. And yet h-here we are, and a lot of people live mostly consuming either podcasts or Spotify/Apple Music/YouTube Music/…Tidal (if anyone actually…cares about Tidal anymore) suggested playlists, which is basically just a modern version of radio [but with a concerning-enough-to-note, not-concerning-enough-to-worry-about level of surveillance].
That’s fuckin’ crazy, bro.
What’s also crazy is how much I feel about vomiting. I hope you really put in your bets, ‘cause…there’s a good chance I’m going to vomit tonight. But I also think I won’t vomit. And that’s the crazy part of it all.
Hold on, I’m gonna chew granola bar.
*Running water…for some reason*
My body really struggled with eating that granola bar… Which I feel like is a bad omen as to…whether or not I am going to vomit. So if you were placing your bets – if I was placing my bets for you right now, in my current state…and this is purely conjecture, but I would say I’m probably going to vomit. Because my body…is ACTIVELY resisting against eating things…
Sssidenote – ‘cause I think it’s been a while since I’ve said one of these: Isn’t it weird how much of each individual living creature’s life is spent consuming. You can even see it reflect right now in the-the-the entertainment industry. Pick your poison; it could be movies, games – whatever. All of them are very actively focused on this idea that the individual spends most of their lives consuming. And I think the idea is actually well, umm, documented in very naturalistic, uhh, p-propositions… I can’t remember what I’m saying right now. I should end this sidenote right now before – you get my point, right? O’ Fearless Leader – Reader? I said “Leader.” That’s the joke, if you didn’t get it. I’m gonna end this sidenote, ‘cause I don’t-I don’t remember what I was saying before starting it. Anyway, end of sidenote.
HAHAHA, it sure is, Tom. Or, um, *claps* what was the name of that robotic reporter in…Ratchet and Clank: Deadlocked? …Juanita! I-I’ve always loved that. I know this isn’t related at all to what I’m saying right now, but I literally LOVE the cutscenes in Ratchet and Clank: De…Deadlocked. I can’t properly express to you how many nights I spent watching Adult Swim or Nick @ Nite while playing Ratchet and Clank: Deadlocked. I have vivid memories of watching – now, this isn’t from Adult Swim or, uh, Nick @ Nite – but I have vivid memories of watching The X’s on Nicktoons network. Shout out if you remember The X’s! [And another shout out for El Tigre! Hell, another for Watch My Chops]. I loved that show, and I wish it didn’t end after 1 season. Maybe it lasted 2 seasons – I think it was 1 season. I have vivid memories of watching that show…on, like, dual-screen on my TV. I had an expensive TV growing up – don’t worry about it. I have vivid memories of watching that while playing Ratchet and Clank: D-Deadlocked. And, let me tell you, I played Ratchet and Clank: Deadlocked so much, every weapon in it was leveled up to level 99. I wore the Ninja Ratchet skin every time. Oh my god! That game was so replayable…
Playstation Studios, please, for the LOVE of god, don’t remake Horizon: Zero Dawn. Please just remake – fff-f-fuck it, don’t remake, just rerelease the Ratchet and Clank PS2 trilogy. PLUS Deadlocked. You have no idea…uh, Sony Interactive Entertainment, as I think they are…referred to, you have no idea how BADLY I just wanna play Ratchet and Clank. I know I’ve talked about Sonic. I know I’ve talked about Mario. And I’ve talked about God of War, which I don’t even really care much about.
Although God of War 2 is a really good game. And God of War 1. Aaand God of War 3… And those PSP games were actually pretty good. I don’t-I don’t think it’s a bad series, is the point. But it’s not that important to me.
Like, they could’ve NOT made another God of War. I wouldn’t have cared. Although I’m glad that they did decide…to change the mythology of it. ‘Cause I feel like that gives the franchise much greater legs. Even though it’s kinda weird that in the entire original, Greek-mythology run of God of War, they never reference that…other mythologies just existed on the planet. It’s a little funny how…Baldur (?), I think is his name, t-the one – the best part of God of War 2018. It’s a little weird how he references how the Greek pantheon exists…in the first hour of God of War 2018. And yet, at no point during the original trilogy – technically, sextrilogy [actually, *hexalogy] if you cou*HICCUP*count the PSP games and Ascension. At no point during any of those do…any of the Greek figures reference the fact…that there’s other pantheons that existed in their world.
It’s a little weird…
I-it’s not a big deal, or anything. I don’t-I don’t think it’s a problem, or anything. But iss-it’s a little…funny, in retrospect.
What was I talking about…?
Um – God of War 2 is really good. If you get any-if you get any, um…any, like, points – any thesis to this blog, it’s that you should probably go play God of War 2. I don’t care about 1. You know, G – 1 is also really good. I don’t care about 3… Even though 3 is pretty good. I think 3, of the original trilogy, is probably the weakest one. But it also has the novelty of being developed for the-the highest-end hardware. Like, the intro to God of War 3 is fucking amazing. You know. It’s one of the best intros to any game ever. Um, after-it feels like it starts out high, then just eventually dwindles out. Which…God of War 2 also starts out on a high. But I also don’t remember much about it except it has the sex minigame in it. And you fight Zeus, and that’s how Kratos gets his…badass chest scar. So I do think the intro to God of War 3 is more memorable. God of War 1, you, like, fight a kraken, or some shit, on a ship. You know, that’s pretty cool. It’s a good-it’s a good thesis statement to the entire franchise.
Oh man, that’s like a whole thing. Like, the thesis statement to a franchise. That alone – that topic deserves a whole other blog. I’m definitely NOT going to write it. But, let me just say, the thesis statement to Sonic is Green Hill Zone. The thesis statement to God of War is fighting a kraken. Which one is better?
This is such an interesting way to think about video games. What’s the thesis statement of Halo? For some reason, I feel like the thesis statement of Halo isn’t the first level. I don’t feel like Halo really…presents itself until, um – what is that level called? The second level? You know, t-the big level on the island? Is that the Silent…Cartographer? I think that’s, like, the other – the snow level. I don’t remember. [It was The Silent Cartographer; it was the fourth level, though, not the second. Half-good job, Drunken Moose.]
Halo is also amazing.
Um, dear viewers – readers, I mean, no one’s watching this. Um, hint-hint, I wish this was a video series instead of a…um, purely linguistic series. I have a lot of ideas for videos. But I’m not doing that now. Hopefully I will in the future, ‘cause I really want to.
UM…um, n-note to all you old people who didn’t grow up with Halo , ‘cause you were too busy playing…fuckin’…I don’t know…The Legend of Zelda Wind Waker  or Luigi’s Mansion  or Jak and Daxter  or Metal Gear Solid Four-TWO , whatever the hell you not-Xbox players were playing [I thought we were talking age…] back in the day. Halo: Combat Evolved is amazing. It’s, like, the perfect FPS.
And I’m saying that as someone who has played and loved Half-Life 2… I feel like, objectively speaking, Half-Life 2 IS better. But Halo: Combat Evolved is…somehow better than the game that is better than it. And that is an opinion you can only get from a drunk person. Anyway, it makes sense to me, so I’m sticking with it.
Halo: Combat Evolved… Oh my god! Just thinking about it, I want to go and play it.
I wanna also play a lot of games from my childhood. Like Viewtiful Joe. Like, why doesn’t anybody remake Viewtiful Joe? I swear to fucking god, just remake Viewtiful Joe – I’LL BUY TTTHRICE! If that’s what it takes for you people to remake Viewtiful Joe. [That also goes for Jet Set Radio Future, Kung Fu Chaos, and Rayman 2. Just throwing that out there, game companies]. Just remake Viewtiful Joe! I miss playing Viewtiful Joe so much.
Can Nintendo just, like, buy the rights to Viewtiful Joe…and Okami and…Bayonetta and, like, give them to Platinum Games. That seems like a good exchange for Platinum Games making Nintendo exclusives. Nintendo’s just like, “You know what, bro? …I got ya on this. I understand you wanna-you want Viewtiful Joe. You want Okami. You WANT Bayonetta. I’m gonna buy those for you, and literally GIVE them to you… And then I’m gonna buy a 51% stake in your company and make you the NEW Rareware.” Because I don’t think-I don’t think this is clear to anyone else, but Platinum Games is literally one step away from being Nintendo’s new Rareware…
On that note, if they could also, like, buy Banjo-Kazooie, and just, like, tell EAD Tokyo to make a Banjo-Threeie. I would be SO happy. I feel like it wouldn’t even live up to Banjo-Kazooie, ‘cause the British, dry humor is an important part to Banjo-Kazooie. And I don’t think any team can nail that, except for maybe the Ubisoft-based Mario + Rabbids team. But, based on Mario + Rabbids-sss: A-A Spark of Hope – which is still a great game – but based on that, they definitely shouldn’t be given it. Because, like, I-I guess they’re not as funny as…Kingdom Battle – or whatever the first one was called – implied they are. ‘Cause, I swear to god, I-I-I don’t like the entire…narrative or writing of A Spark of Hope. I love the gameplay, but I’m, like…I don’t care about the cutscenes.
I don’t even care about the story. There’s evil… It’s clearly Rosalina. Like…leading up to release, I think I read comments saying it was probably Rosalina. And I was like, “Naaaahhhhhh, they wouldn’t be that predictable.” Then I saw the opening cutscene, and it literally, like, cuts to her eye behind that cloak [“her” being the evil, mysterious antagonist-lady]. And, bro, it looks like Rosalina. That’s why I’m literally like, “It’s ffffffffffucking Rosalina, isn’t it?” Rosalina’s been corrupted by some great, cosmic evil – blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda... And that’s the main villain of the game.
I don’t think – as I’ve been playing the game for almost 9 or 10 hours, at the point of this recording, I have such, a) miniscule understanding of what I’m fighting against and why it matters. I guess it’s corrupted goop, which Epic Mickey already did, and it was better in Epic Mickey.
Uh…uh, uh #remakeepicmickey… Not the second one – this part’s not apart of the hashtag, this part’s a sentence. So, it was: #epic – NO, #remakeepicmickey. And that was the end of the hashtag. And then it continued: Not the second one, ‘cause who the fuck cares. But the first one...is a fuckin’ gem of a game. Even with all its warts.
And that leads me back to something I was saying about Sonic…in general. Like, a half-hour ago…
Oh my god, this recording’s 2 hours long so far. I should go to bed. I’m not going to, though, ‘cause I have to finish my point.
So Sonic – we’re gonna get back to this. So Sonic-Sonic – I don’t care if it’s not fantastic. Sonic hasn’t been fantastic since Sonic the Hedgehog 2. There’s a hot take for all you Sonic…the Hedgehog 3 Knuckles stans. I don’t think Sonic the Hedgehog 3 or Sonic & Knuckles or Sonic the Hedgehog Knuckles or Sonic and Knuckles 3 (?), I don’t remember what the amalgamation of Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Sonic & Knuckles is called right now. I don’t think that game is very good. It’s okay. It’s good. It’s just not very good. What is very good is Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog 2. In fact, I think I’m going to go play Sonic the Hedgehog before I go to bed. Just because…talking about it made me really want to play it. And I’m thinking of that single—
OH MY GOD. That’s why it matters so much to me that they fucked up Sonic Colors Ultimate. In Sonic the Hedgehog, t-the loading screens [“loading screens”] and the music cue are built together. So then, like, you load [“load”] into Green Hill Zone – it’s like, buuhhh-naahhh. And then the gameplay starts, and it goes, like, buh-nu-nu-nu-nu-nunu nuhh-nu-nu-nuh buh-nu-nu-nu-nu-nunu-nuhhh nuh-nu-nuh-nu-nuh-nu-nuel-nu-NUUHHH. And it’s such an iconic, fuckin’…moment of the entirety of Sonic. I-uh, I don’t care if you really like – ehh, future me, ss-put a link to that one video that did Fresh Prince of Bel-Air with, um…not Chemical Plant Zone, although that music is also fuckin’ FIRE, but that other level: Mystic Cave Zone. Do the thing where Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is playing concurrently with Mystic Cave Zone. For no real reason. Just ‘cause I really like that video.
It’s really nostalgic for me, ‘cause I really like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I didn’t actually play classic Sonic until I was in my late teens. But that-I-I did pla – not play – I did watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as a child. And it’s such a good show.
And I’m was SO…morally sad that Will Smith slapped fuckin’…Chris Rock – was it Chris Rock or Chris Smith or…William Rock? I don’t know. But when Will Smith slaps that man during the Oscars – is it the Oscars or the Emmys? I don’t even know. But t-t-the slap. The Slap. I think…it’s still recent enough for me to refer to it as, The Slap…
I’m so disappointed about that, because Will Smith was always, like, so cool. Like, he seemed so casual, so normal.
THEN he does that bullshit. And I know-I know, I’m not going to judge – I’m not going to say he’s a shitty person because of The Slap… But I’m just going to say: He literally walked up…to the mic. And in that moment, he was like, “I’m gonna slap this man who did this very poorly received joke at my…eff-maybe very free-spirited wife. And then go back to my seat, and then SCREAM…very, very awkwardly.“ You saw that woman behind Will Smith. She literally thought it was a joke. She was, like, smiling and chuckling. And then Will Smith screamed, and she was like, “Oh…shit. This is really happening.” I was a VERY awkward moment.
Um…but, literally I just-I just want to say: He went up, he went to the mic. Chris Rock…Chris Pratt…the-the 3D representation of the original, um, video game character that isn’t Pac-Man. ‘Cause Pac-Man is…THE original video game character. Pong Paddle…doesn’t count. ‘Cause that’s not a character. Pac-Man is the original, followed by Mario.
But Chris…Mario Mario went up and slapped Chris Rock. When, in actuality, he could’ve just, like, he could’ve walked up and very politely said, “Can I have that mic…for just a second? Bro? L-like, I don’t wanna be an asshole, but can I just have the mic?” And then he could’ve literally said, “…Jena (?) Smith—” I think that’s his wife’s name… “Lady-From-the-Matrix…Smith is the most beautiful woman I’ve…EVER laid my eyes on. A-and that I have the privilege to be in her presence, on a regular, daily basis, makes me the luckiest man on this planet.” And then he could’ve, you know, politely handed the mic back to…ughhh, Chris Whatever – Chris Pratt. And then Chris Pratt would’ve walked back to Jena Smith, and ee-uhh-I – it would’ve been…the most wholesome moment in ALL of celebrity gossip history. I would’ve cried. And I don’t say that lightly—
Hold on a second…
*Sounds of some sort…*
*No Rain distinctly begins playing in the background*
I really like the music video for No Rain.
Um, well, I mean, it started out very unbelievably. ‘Cause that point where the bee girl runs off in shame and, like, starts crying…didn’t seem very believable to me. But I like…
Actually, I don’t like the music video. I like the song.
It’s a good song. I might add that to my personal playlist later [oh, yeah. I did wanna do that. Doing that now].
Anyway, um………Sonic? I don’t think I was talking about Sonic, was I?
Umm… What was I talking about?
I wasn’t talking about Bayonetta 3. I’m super hyped for Bayonetta 3, by the way. Well, mildly hyped. I hope it’s gonna be really good. But I don’t really know, uhh, if I’m going to like it. ‘Cause I didn’t…super like, umm, Bayonetta 2. Even though I love Bayonetta 1, Bayonetta 2 was, like, it’s-it’s pretty good. Like, like, functionally, it’s better than Bayonetta 1. But I don’t-but I think I enjoyed Bayonetta 1 more, regardless of the functional, uh, disparity.
UMM… *deeply exhales* I wasn’t talking about God of War. I don’t think I was talking about Sonic (?).
What was I talking about?
OOOOH, right. Will Smith!
Uh, the point is, he could’ve done that. I would’ve literally cried and I would’ve-I would’ve went to see whatever movie he was starring in next. Like…like there’s a way for a fuckin’ piece…of shit to handle it. And there’s a way for a fuckin’ most-adorable-man-on-Earth to handle it.
Which I described before my whole aside about this song that I don’t remember the title of. Which is going to make it really difficult to add it to my personal playlist later. Um…
That-that would’ve been adorable. I would’ve cried.
I wanna cry right now.
But not because of the beauty that humanity can inspire. But just because…I really should go to bed, but I’m up late, drinking, talking to myself. And that doesn’t make me feel very good about my life. But that’s not important.
…And so he just slaps him, and…yelled. And it was a really awkward moment. Like… *sighs* I get how he could be offended. And, as a man, it made sense to him to go up and defend his wo-MAN. Especially because…they’re probably going through a weird moment where he felt obliged to defend her no matter what. It just-it wasn’t a good move. Again, just literally go up there, say how beautiful she is despite her-her…shaving of her head. For whatever reason, I literally don’t remember why she shaved her-her – I don’t remember her condition for why she has a bald head.
Um, it's very funny – as a quick aside, but I’m not going to put this one in parenthesis – it’s very funny how baldness is considered unattractive. Like, I don’t know the evolutionary reason for that. It just seems kinda funny to me. I mean, I’m not saying it’s wrong. I think a bald woman is not very…attractive… I think a bald man is not very attractive. Even though I’m not attracted to men, regardless. I think baldness is very unattractive. It just seems weird, because, in general, I think bos…both genders prefer it if-if the…I guess not gender. ‘Causess itsss-ess-thass-nosss…
It's hard to talk about this in 2022. When there’s…a whole LGBTQ community, and you want to respect every facet of that community, but the community’s broad. And in – not in-depth, but, like…broad. Broad’s fine. I don’t need to add another word – the community’s so broad. It’s really hard to respect every aspect of that community. ‘Cause I don’t think a gay man…really cares if you…imply that a…trans woman is…
I really gotta think of my next words carefully to not get canceled…from the 250 people that are reading this.
I don’t think… *laughs nervously* All right, this is a whole-this – *laughs more, pondering the consequences of fucking up on the subject matter* – this is a whole thing I think about the LGBTQ community.
Um… First of all, I gotta establish before I say anything. To preface this-this whole mini-rant – maybe sentence – that I’m going to say: Anyone can do whatever they want with their…self-identity and their genitalia. I don’t think that’s a problem. I think that’s perfectly fine. I support it, and I’m glad that there’s people who are able to…escape from social norms for the sake of living life how they see as appropriate.
With that said, I don’t think the LGBTQ – I don’t see them all as being a part of one community. I see the lesbian community as being their own community. As opposed to the gay community. As opposed to the trans community. I think – and the trans community, I think, the trans men and the trans women, even though they are kinda going through the same thing, generally…aren’t experiencing the same thoughts. Aside from…the-the one…
Is Gangnam Style playing right now?
Oh fuck. Give me a second…
I’m gonna just put this as, um, ampersands in my blog, but I’m about to dance to Gangnam Style.
*Actually dancing to the entirety of Gangnam Style*
&Actually dancing to the entirety of Gangnam Style&
[Here’s Gangnam Style, just if…I dunno. I guess you can dance to it too, if you wanna:]
*I'm not kidding, he danced to the ENTIRE song*
Aw fuck. I hit my toes. Aww…fuck. Aw fuck, that hurt.
*Sighs* Aw fuck.
Um, I did a pelvic thrust during the part where he was in the elevator…like, underneath the other person wearing a mask. I think that’s what happened.
Oh shit! The Song didn’t end? Oh, now it did. I think.
Yeah, now it ended.
What’s playing now?
…This that one song?
Whatever, doesn’t matter. It’s not Gangnam Style.
All right, um…
Oh fuck, I was talking about LGBTQ—
OH GOD, why am I talking about this? This is how you get canceled.
Well I guess only 250 people are going to read this, so it doesn’t really matter…
Umm… In general, I think the – *trepidations laughter*. So, in general, I think the-the-the…the gay community is different from the trans community, is different from the non-binary community. Like, they’re all…they’re all generally considered as one community. But it’s really a bunch of different communities that don’t really relate too much to each other. But they’re connected based on the sole…consistent nature that they’re against general…gender and sexuality norms. But I don’t think it’s healthy to group them all together.
That’s my two cents on the LGBTQ…community. Um…I don’t think I had ANY reason to say anything about that in this blog. And I-I feel stupid for having said…ANYTHING about it in this blog. And I hope I didn’t offend anyone. And I hope that this doesn’t become the only part of the blog that doesn’t sound like incoherent nonsense. ‘Cause this isn’t what the blog is about, it’s about video games.
Specifically, it’s about Sonic and God of War.
Um… Also, for some reason I thought about Banjo-Kazooie while I was doing the dance for Gangnam Style. And, I just wanna say, Banjo-Kazooie is, like, the best game ever. It’s not my favorite game ever, but it’s probably the best game ever.
And…one day I might explain that. Or not. Who knows? Maybe this whole series of blogs is a-is a prologue to a series of YouTube videos that I will produce in the future.
But probably not.
‘Cause I’m a normal person, and it’s hard for normal people to just, like, start creating shit out of nowhere.
Um, but I do – I mean, I already referenced Tim Rogers. I mean, even besides Tim Rogers, there’s so many YouTubers that inspire me to wanna make video content. I really wanna make video content. If I wasn’t working this stupid job that I’m working currently, I would probably be making video content. But I don’t have faith in my ability to make money off of video content. Or faith in my ability to make…um, even mediocre video content. So I blog as a way to vent my creative frustrations.
And…ugh…that is my drunk, way-more-personal-than-it-should-be speech for the blog.
Um… I still haven’t vomited. If you’re wondering if I’m going to vomit – I still haven’t. But I still haven’t drank this last glass of…*glass bottle go swurrr* Richard’s Wild Irish Rrrrrose (?) Red Wine. Nor have I finished this can of…Victory Sour Monkey Sour Tripel 9.5% alcohol/volume. *Can clanks* So, there’s still an opportunity for me to vomit. Don’t worry about that if you said I was going to.
Um, you haven’t lost yet.
Although I do…I do not want to vomit. So…the odds are stacked against people voting in favor of me vomiting. Based on the sole…um…prospect that I don’t want to vomit, so I’m…very actively trying not to drink myself to the point of vomiting. But, you know, it can still happen. I WILL finish these two drinks before I finish this recording. I promise you that, at least. And I might vomit after that. I don’t know.
Anyway, um, if there’s any LGBTQ O’ Fearless Readers, I really hope I didn’t offend you in any way. I don’t-I don’t like offending people… Unless it’s funny to do so, then I’m fine with offending people. But I really don’t like doing it, like, unintentionally. Especially for a sub-group of people that struggle so much with society accepting them.
I want you to know that you are seen by me, and I accept you. And, when you get to the point in society where you are fully accepted, then I will probably make jokes at your expense without worrying about the repercussions. But that doesn’t mean I am not an ally.
And I think it's a shame – I don’t even…I don’t even understand why you…um, you members of this group – still struggle with basic human rights. I think that’s so stupid.
And I think is also supposed to be a blog about video games. So, I’m going to go back to that.
[[Spoiler alert: He doesn't go back to that.
We're in the homestretch now.
CLICK HERE to finish this magnum opus of a drunken rant.
For you defiant readers who refuse to just do what they're told, here's some insight into this production: There were suppose to be WAAAY more pics throughout this blog. Destructoid's image upload system seems to be down, so I've only been able to embed stuff. And, since I haven't found a workaround for locally stored pictures that didn't involve excessive work, I was only able to add in gifs and YouTube vids. So if you thought the first part seemed barren, that's why. Luckily, a lot my giffy inspiration ended up in this, the second part. So, even without any of the other pics I had prepared, this one doesn't appear to be lacking. Even though it is. Annnd, some of the gifs added were more filler than anything else. But still, better than nothing. Part The Third, though? Prrretttty barren too. Me sorry.
Man, I had such a cool idea for the picture motif too. All of them were going to be AI generated. Which would've made them just uncanny enough to simulate a drunken stupor. There was even this one of a photo-realistic Sonic the Hedgehog that I aboslutely adored! Maybe I'll use it another time. We'll see...
That's all for this one. I assure you, I'm not going to do some cute shit like I did last time. Click on that link above to conclude this whole...thing.
See you on the other side, BROTHERS!!!]]