Go Home, RoomWithaMoose. You’re drunk.
[Late into the evening of October 26th 2022, RoomWithaMoose endeavored to live-record himself expound why he preorderd Sonic Frontiers while neglecting God of War Ragnarok. The exercise was to be transcribed into a raw, unedited blog – a blog unabashedly genuine. Then he thought it might be funny if he were drunk as fuck during. This is his story…]
*Disclaimer: Against my better judgement, I decided not to censor any part of my 3+ hour drunk rant. I go on many tangents, some of which concerning touchy topics. If at any point I come off as insensitive or woefully out of my depth, I apologize in advance.*
[Oh! Also, currently-transcribing, decidedly not-drunk me might occasionally chime in to clarify my drunk ramblings. But I'm going to try keeping that to a minimum. Something may not really make sense, but, as long as it kinda makes enough sense, I'll let it speak for itself. And yes, I realize I’m kinda late to the GoW/Sanic party. Shut up! YOU’RE LATE. Now…let’s begin…]
“A man speaking sense to himself is no madder than a man speaking nonsense not to himself.”
Aight, we’re recording.
I’m doing the thing I said I was going to do – we’re doing that now.
Uhhh! I need to get this shit. I guess I don’t need to record YET. Until I actually get mildly drunk, at least. But, you know, I’m am going to go with it. I AM GOOOING… to go with it.
Got my thingie. I got this… Wild Irish Rose Red… The fuck is this? Is it Rosé? “Grape wine” – I guess it’s Rosé… I don’t feel like it’s Rosé…
Anyway, we gotta drink until we get hazy, baby!
The one music video for that song where they go, “NEON-NEON BITCH WOAH-WOAH SIT DOWN” – that’s a pretty cool video, I gotta say.
*Sighs* So I’m not going to transcribe any of this part, in case I somehow forget my own rule in between recording this and transcribing it. Presuming it’s actually entertaining…
OH GOD, that smells strong.
Um. But yeah, still felt like I needed to do some sort of prologue to get myself into th…into t-the vibe of talking to myself for presumably the next…45 minutes.
Got some music playing in the background—just t-just to keep the vibes going. It’s all about the vibes—
Anyway, I’m going to start drinking.
*Gulping some ‘hol*
Oh god… That’s actually pretty decent alcohol.
You know, for 5 bucks, doesn’t taste bad – it’s kinda sweet.
This song – I don’t know what the fuck it is – but I’m grooving. I’m grooving baby, I can tell ya.
God, I just wish I was drunk already…
I’m gonna add a beer. You know, we’re g-we’re gonna go in between.
Maybe that’ll help amplify it – being different liquors (?).
Starting to feel a little vomity.
That’s a good sign!
I think I’m getting tipsy right now…
It’s hard to tell when I WANT it to happen.
Usually when I drink, I’m just, like, chilling. And, like, doing something else besides drinking…
I’m talking! (?) Talking’s nice.
Ugh. I must be getting a little tipsy, ‘cause I don’t—I’m starting to forget what I’m talking about.
I AM going to light the candle, though, ‘cause I remember that much.
And I don’t remember anything I said afterwards that might’ve implied lighting the candle was a bad idea.
I’m just kidding, I remember all of it!
I guess I’m not drunk enough… But it sounds funny how I did that, right?
I’m a comedian…practically.
*In the distance, trying to remember if the lead singer of Nirvana died of drugs*
Pretty sure that was him… I think.
I could be wrong.
I-I’ve never seen an interview, or anything.
I’ve never seen them do a reunion tour…
Drink moar LIQUOR!
Oh god, it’s starting to taste bad…
And I’m really cold. Wish I had, like, a jacket right now.
It’s probably ‘cause, you know, my blood stream is-is-is thinning.
So less blood is flowing through my body, and blood that’s there has alcohol in it.
So, you know, it’s not even—um… *Sighs* It’s not even THAT good.
The blood… I mean.
*Takes a swig*
Alcohol-infused blood is probably the worst type of blood you c-you can have.
I mean, I guess it can be like… Umm…
Does cancer flow in blood?
I don’t think so. ‘Cause that’s a-that’s a-that’s aaa… growth, of, like, a bunch of…
…Mmm, what cells are the cancers made of?
Not blood cells – Are they, like, flesh cells?
M-must be flesh cells. I think cancer’s made up of flesh cells.
“Flesh cells” doesn’t sound specific. Maybe each cell can become cancerous… (?)
Blood cells don’t.
Can your body produce too much blood?
I mean, it moves through you… (?)
I guess, hypothetically, if y-your producing a freakish amount of blood cells…you can, like, get it transfused out of you?
And then you’d be OK???
[“Polycythemia vera (pol-e-sy-THEE-me-uh VEER-uh) is a type of blood cancer. It causes your bone marrow to make too many red blood cells. These excess cells thicken your blood, slowing its flow, which may cause serious problems, such as blood clots. […] The most common treatment for polychythemia vera is having frequent blood withdrawals.”]
I think I’m drunk now.
I feel pretty uhh… I feel like falling.
I think I can still walk straight. Let’s see…
*Successfully walks straight – good for him!*
Yeah, I’m still not at the point of drunkness where I feel like there’s a delay in my movements. And that’s really the point of drunkenness where I wanna be at before I, umm, talk about the Sonic and God of War – whatever.
I HAVE TO GO DEEPER, DAMNIT!!!
Think I’m dancing now – I gotta keep talking though.
This is the one music video now where they’re on, like, treadmills.
That one’s pretty cool, I like that one.
OH GOD. Okay!
What am I-what am I talking about?
G-gord of-bored of w-Gord of Wars?
Okay, I think I’m ready now. I think it’s ready to start this, so…
Official Transcription of Blog… S-Start
Transcription of the Blog – Official Blog Transcription Begins…A-Now
*Sighs* Hold on! It doesn’t begin yet.
I realized I gotta do, like, a pro-prologue intro. So that takes a little thought.
So I’m gonna take a sip…
That was more like a gulp.
*Inhales* Oh fuck.
I mean, [Future, transcribing me] can also put this [whole intro] in [the blog].
That would be funny.
But don’t put this part. Or…do put this part…?
I dunno – uhh, you decide, sober-future-me.
Y-you’ll figure it out. You’ll figure it out.
P-present me is here to give you shit to work with. YOU’RE the one that has to work with it. I don’t have to worry about that shit.
So I’m going to do my intro… I’m going to do it now—
Just Get on With the Damn Thing Already…
*Laughs* – Oh god, I’m a little dizzy
Okay, so-so hello… hello friendly peoples. Who may or may not be reading this blog that may or may not HAVE EVER been brought into existence depending on the quality of this recording that you are maybe reading the transcription of at this current moment in time but not the moment of which this recording is taking place but rather the moment of which you are reading the transcription…OF this recording FROM the past.
So, hello future people…
Ugh, t-this-this is… So the question is:
Why did you – “you” being I – preorder Sonic Frontiers instead of God of War Rag…Rag-NA-rok?
I…put a lot of emphasis on the “NA.” When I originally wrote it on my wall, I misspelled Ragnarok with a-with a NO. Or a NOR. And then I – uh, in between the point of me setting up for this exercise and doing… Well, not doing, but getting to the point of drunkenness I thought appropriate for making this entertaining for you fucking people – *inhales* – I-I asked Google to-how to spell ag-Ragnarok. And I misspelled it. And, you know…I-I’m taking full responsibility for that. I misspelled Ragnarok. I don’t… Off the top of my head, I’m not familiar enough with Norse mythology to properly smell all their mythological events. I’m sorry. OKAY.
…I’m getting… What am I talking about…?
Why did I preorder Sonic inste – Frontiers – instead of God of War Ragnarok—
So this is – I’m, uh – this is in – this is STILL the intro to the blog. I’m insss… I’m…introing—
So, today I am…drunk and ahh-stt – I am talking to nothingness. But being recorded while talking into nothingness.
There is a sour beer and a…*glass clanking* bottle of “Wild Irish Rose…Wine”? I don’t know if it technically counts as Rosé. It does say, “Rose.” I don’t think it’s a Rosé. It says, “Red.” …So, I guess it’s a red wine (?)… That’s… I don’t know what it is – it’s alcohol.
So I got alcohol to the right of me. And alcohol to the left of me. And a…sssssseventy percent drank bottle of alcohol more to the left of me. ‘Cause I have a cup too. I’m not drinking from the bottle – I’M NOT A SAVAGE.
Okay, I’m sorry, I’m gettin’ – all right.
Why did I preorder Sonic Frontiers instead of God of War Ragnarok?
That’s the question. I’m gonna answer it to you. M-my…lovely re (?) – what do I call you people? …O’ Fearless, uh, Readers. Which is a play off of “o’ fearless leader.” If you didn’t catch the allusion…
Why did I preorder So—
Um, so here’s the thing. I’m gonna-I’m gonna start this out by eeexplaining why I’m not super-excited for God of War Ragnarok. And I’m going to take a sip before I get into that…
*Swiggy in’is mouth*
Okay, O’ Fearless Reader, here’s the-here’s the truth – here’s the tooth:
I don’t really like God of War 2018 that much.
In fact, I-I-I so don’t-like-it-that-much that I didn’t even BEAT it. I started it, like, 3…months ago…and I got to the first dragon…and at that point I was already getting really exhausted – I mean, I’m playing on hard, or whatever – whatever word it uses for hard, you know. It could be “heroic,’ it could be “hardened,” it could be, umm… HARD. So, that might play into why I’m not-I wasn’t enjoying it very much.
I’ve played, like, 5 games since then – I don’t know.
Umm, but the margin for error – when you’re playing on hard, or whatever it’s called…
I feel like looking it up really quick… Hold on…
I’ll get – HOLD ON.
*Bohemian Rhapsody plays in the distance*
Okay, I’m back.
This is so fucking stupid. Um, this is according to a Gamerant article, so I don’t – *sighs* – I’m not going to check the validity of it. Um, but i-it – so I was playing God of War on Give me a Challenge difficulty…
…Right? Isss – like, what the fuck. O-whatever—
Um, and it just is SO fuckin’ – the margin of error is so low. And it really-it really pinpoints the-one of the primary problems with the game is that it has that over-the-shoulder camera, but it’s designed like it has the classic God of War camera.
So there’s, like, enemies – sometimes you get swarmed by enemies, you know? Naturally, you are Kratos. It makes sense, he kills many things. But then, it’s like, you can’t see enemies behind you. Even worse, sometimes there’s ranged enemies – sometimes they’re, like, so far you can’t even do anything to them. And-and-uhh-and especially when there’s, like, five other enemies attacking you.
So what the game did, is it puts in this stupid, little fuckin’…ring, straight out of – it’s like appropriating the fuckin’ FPS stealth ring. But instead of FPS stealthing, it’s for…um, third-person action, u-uhh, attack awareness.
Which is stupid, in and of itself. But it does that. But it just doesn’t-it doesn’t-it doesn’t communicate to you what the actual *slaps hands* threat *slap* *slap* of the moment is. You know, someone can be trying to shoot something at you and you don’t know – you think, “maybe they’re going to attack me,” you know. So you do a little dodge. But, Uhhehh, and then you do it, like-like, exactly opposite of the direction where the attack is coming from you—
By the way, I don’t know if this example’s ever happened to me in the game. I played the game three months ago – I played, like, five games since then. I don’t remember everything about the fucking experience.
But anyway, you, like, dodge – *laughs* – exactly opposite to where the direction’s coming from. But then, because they’re shooting at you, it doesn’t matter that you dodged that way, you still get hit by the shot.
…And, i-it’s like… oooh god, hold on. I’m a little… Mmm…
So you-so you still get hit by the shot – if that’s an example that actually happens in it. I don’t remember…if that ever happened to me. But that’s not the point.
The point is that the stupid, fuckin’ awareness ring is a stupid idea. And was clearly only implemented because they did playtests and th-the playtesters were like, “Iiit’s fucking frustrating how I can get attacked from behind and not even know about it.” So, they’re like, “Well, how do we fucking fix that?” And then sss-fucking…Jerry, from the fucking SOUND department – he just-he shouldn’t even fucking be in this meeting – fucking Jerry, from the sound department, is like, “Well, what if we just add in, like, a ring? That, like, tells players which direction the attacks are coming from.” And they’re all like, “I guess that makes sense… Let’s do it!”
And then they did it. And that’s what the final product shipped with. And, you know what, it’s a shit mechanic. It’s a shit mechanic, it’s terrible. I get why they did the over-the-shoulder viewpoint, especially for what’s suppose to be such a personal story from Kratos’ perspective. You know, narratively it makes sense. But gameplay-wise, it does nothing but ruin the gameplay. And it would work fine – I-eh, even while I was playing God of War, I was like, “I don’t remember this being a problem…in Madworld OR No More Heroes. So why is it a problem in this game?” And that’s because it’s still designed…like the player can see more of the environment.
You know, Madworld is very specifically designed, like, you target someone, that’s probably the only person that’s gonna bother you. You know… Even then, you basically start a fight, and then you actively, like, shimmy… I don’t even think you have to do that. I think it’s literally, like…it’s unrealistic, but mostly one person at a time attacks you. And that’s usually the person you’re targeting…you know. And they might’ve even designed the AI so that it specifically goes in front of you. ‘Cause I never – I never, for the life of me – remember having a problem where they attack me from behind.
Same with No More Heroes… But I didn’t play No More Heroes as much as Madworld, so I…don’t remember No More Heroes as well as I should.
I should play No More Heroes 3. But I just told you I didn’t finish God of War. And I think God of War takes a little bit more priority over No More Heroes 3.
Anyway – I do own No More Heroes 3. Haven’t played it. It’s IN…The Baaackloggg.
Anyway, um…*smacks lips* *sighs* So those games, I feel like, were designed more around…the concept of a…the player having a limited view of the battlefield.
God of War is built like you have the classic God of War camera angle, but you don’t. Which just leads to so much frustration. And, again, the margin of error is so low on Give Me a Challenge difficulty. Where, it’s like, I think you can get attacked about 3 times in a fight…before you DIE. And that’s it. And then you’re DEAD. You know, and it’s-it’s just…it can get really frustrating.
It’s like, I wouldn’t even die during boss battles. Well, I would die… *laughs* But that’s fine, you know. Until I learn the patterns of the boss, I don’t expect to succeed at it in a-in a traditional…character action game. But in a normal battle, just fighting, like…normal enemies, I don’t expect it to be a fucking exercise in patience and discipline. But that’s what God of War offered me. It was literally, like, I would be in a normal battle and just DIE, because I could only get hit 3 times and then I would get hit from behind a-and I would get hit in ways where I just can’t see it coming because… It’s just so fucking frustrating, man! It’s just, it was, ehh—
And this is – I’ve been ranting about this – this isn’t even, like…my only problem with the combat, but… It’s probably the biggest reason why I didn’t enjoy my time with God of War.
You know, I probably could’ve just played Give Me a – I’m not going to double-check this – Give Me a Normal. No, that’s not right. It’s probably, like…it’s probably like: Give Me a Story, Give Me a BLANK, Give Me a Challenge. I’m gonna guess “blank” isss…Give Me a…uhh…Game (?). That’s definitely not what it is, but I’m going with that.
So in Give Me a Game difficulty, this probably isn’t even really a problem, you know. You can get hit in a battle and it’s not like…it severely cripples you. So It’s not a big deal if the-the camera fails you because, it’s like, “I got hit. It’s fine – whatever.” In Give Me a Challenge difficulty, it’s not FUCKIN’ fine.
You have to – i-it’s like it’s designed like a hardcore character action game, but they wanted to be a phoned in, narrative-driven game. Which is completely fine, but you can’t really do both. And to not-not shit on God of War 2018 – Norse of War – God of War: Norse – I don’t even know if it was released in 2018… Not to shit on it too much, I don’t think it was even a bad game. Even though I will probably go into the other part I didn’t enjoy about the combat really quick. ‘Cause there’s like a-another part, but I’ve ranted about this too long.
It wasn’t a bad game. Narratively, I... liked it… I wanted to say ‘love,’ but I didn’t love it – I liked it. Umm, I just, I-I really liked Kratos’ characterization. Especially as someone who grow up watching Kratos and him being, like, this tragic ball of rage. It’s, like, so emotionally validating seeing him being an actual character with actual depth, who’s struggling – like an actual human – to raise an actual son. It’s captivating. I love Kratos’ characterization in God of War 2018.
I feel like this argument’s getting too coherent, so I probably need to drink more. So hold on…
So yeah, I loved… I love Kratos, man. He’s my fucking bro. I mean, not really. Sonic is more my bro, if I’m being honest. And I just remembered that this isn’t a review for God of War. It’s an answer to the question:
Why I preordered Sonic Frontiers instead of God of War Ragnarok.
But I’m still going to go into my other big gripe with the combat – really quick.
Again, narratively, the game is fine. I love parts of it, narratively. Other parts, I’m like, “This is really generic.” Like, I don’t… I don’t really care about the story of it. I just – plot, I should say. I don’t care about the plot. I just really like seeing Kratos. He’s well-written. The plot at the point I was at, at least, where I killed the first dragon, I-I didn’t really like much. I mean, I liked the-the concept that they’re tryna reach the top of the mountain to get to…to, you know, um…send off Kratos’ wife’s/A-Atreus’ (?) mother’s ashes. I think that’s really compelling. But I think I’m only, like, halfway through the game and I really don’t see how I can possibly care about anything now that they have done that. Even though I feel like there’s so much more PLOT left, but I don’t care. Because I was really engaged in that singular plot.
*sighs* REALLY QUICK: If I were them, I would’ve made this a trilogy, not a duology. I would’ve made the first game JUST about sending off the ashes, and then I would’ve probably had some big thing that happened immediately afterwards that brought Kratos and Atreus into a whole other plot. And that was the cliffhanger. I think that would’ve been better.
But what do I know. Everyone wants more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more andmoreandmoreandmoreandmoreandmore content in video games these days. Because, uh – I don’t fucking know. I think that’s stupid. But whatever – to each their own.
[Drunken Moose is dismissive of how the plot plays out exactly like what he described in the game. The key there is the trilogy break; I think it would’ve flowed better had sending off the ashes been the climax of the first game in a trilogy. The way it’s set up, the moment feels small. And yet, at that point, it’s the ONLY goal on Kratos’ mind. It should’ve been big! Cap off the first game with that moment. Make it quiet and give it finality. All the hints at a grander plot have to wait until the sequel to blossom. Again, would’ve flowed better. Why shove so MUCH plot into a singular game? I don’t believe narratives, regardless of the medium, ever benefit from being indulgent. Uhh, amateur, gimmick blogs totally do, though.]
Um… *smacks lips* Anyway, the other thing in combat: In the original…Norse God of War – not the original God of War. I love God of War 1 and 2. And 3. ESPECIALLY 2. I don’t remember why I liked 2 more, but I remember really liking 2 above the-the first and the third…
…Uhh, combat…i-in – I don’t know what I was talking about. COMBAT. The other thing I don’t like about it, um… There’s a distinct LACK of expression in Kratos’ action design…
What do I mean by that? Well I’m drunk right now, so it’s a little hard to me ff-really explain it. In fact, I need to pour more of th-the…the alcohol – hold on.
*Bottle cap is spinning*
*♪Alcohol is pouring♪*
*♪Past me is closing♪*
*♪And now he’s drinking, too♪*
*♪Glass cup is clanking♪*
*♪As past me is placing♪*
*♪He’s letting go a sigh – but how are you?♪*
I just took a swig… For future me.
Okay – um… There’s a distinct lack of expressionism in Kratos’…action design. Um, most character action games, they have a great sssuite of combos that you can pull off. Including the original trilogy of God of War. Granted, most of those combos were literally: square-square-triangle… But still, there were a lot of options. In God of War 2018, t-there’s, like…there’s one combo: R1-R1-R1. *Laughs* And then there’s R2… And that’s all you start with. I’m willing to count throwing the ax as another combo chain. But that still just makes three combos. Um, you eventually unlock more depth in the combat system. Which is cool. Um, but you still start out with basically nothing. And then, granted, in every character action game they usually have it set up so you unlock more combos as you play the game. Or you unlock the way you’re suppose to play the game as you play the game. But in God of War, it just starts out TOO basic.
And, let me tell ya, every time I’m presented with a skilltree, I read EVERY skill and evaluate which ones I should start working towards. I’ve already done that in Mario + Rabbids: Spark of Hope. Which is a great game. And you should play it. But maybe play the first one instead. ‘Cause it might be better. But the second one has fantastic action design…
But, anyway, mm-uhhh-ehhhhhh – I always read the skilltree. So already I’ve read all the moves you can unlock as Kratos, and it still sounds like it’s lacking a great deal of complexity. It sounds very basic – very simple. And I still don’t think that, even by the end of it, it’ll allow for the sort of…character expressionism…that…would benefit combat [Blades of Chaos not withstanding].
What do I mean by expressionism? Um…let’s take…Super Mario 64 versus…um…
…I dunno – the original Super Mario Bros. Okay, so the original Super Mario Bros. is not horrible when it comes to action expressionism. Even though – all right, so first let me unpack what action expressionism is. It’s basically the player’s ability to express their play-style upon the character. I don’t think this is a fully defined feature of video games – it’s something I came up with myself, because I…should probably do this professionally and be paid for this. But no one pays me, ‘cause no one knows me. So I’m blogging right now, because no one knows me.
ANYWAY, that’s not the point, the point is *laughs*…uh, i-it is – so th-that’s what it is, okay? The original Super Mario Bros. – again, not the worse, because it’s not so rigid with inputs. You know, you can jump, but then you can decide how Mario moves in his jump. It’s a little more rigid than later Mario games, because when you’re jumping right…you’re basically still jumping right. You can either decide whether you jump more right or less right, but you’re still jumping right. Which limits the expressionism.
*Exhales* …Oh fuck. I might need to slow down with the drinking. Ahhh – oh fuck. I can’t feel. I can’t feel myself. That’s probably not a good sign.
Anyway, okay… Umm… But yeah, ‘cause – that’s compared to Super Mario 64. I’m not going to go into a rant about this. Look up a speedrun of Super Mario 64 and you’ll see why it is a…tentpole of player expressionism, okay?
…My video paused – hold on.
[By the way, it occurs to me that sober me should better elaborate upon action expressionism… But I’m not going to. Sober me is pretty certain I didn’t personally conceptualize the idea, anyway, so you should have an easy time inferring what I meant. Here’s a speedrun of SM64, though:]
It’s playing Adele.
I’m probably not going to put this part in the blog, so… future RoomWithaMoose, it’s playing Adele.
The one Adele song you know. Still don’t like the song very much—
Anyway, umm… Watch a speedrun [You’re welcome]. That basically will explain what I mean by Super Mario Sixtyf – by the statement: Super Mario 64 has an amazing amount of action expressionism. T-that’s all I’m going to say because I’ve explained things in too much detail already. Ssssooo, yeah – I’ll link a speedrun. I can do that. Future RoomWithaMoose, link a speedrun right now!
[Way ahead of you.]
That’s what I mean by action expressionism. Okay?
Um, in most action character (?) – character action games, there’s a great deal of expressionism. Like a fighting game! You know? Fighting games are probably the-the-the…umm, ivory tower… If that’s the proverb. I can’t remember right now. Ivory tower of expressionism. You know, in a fighting game, you can play as a character, and you can play AS that character in so many different ways. You can really express yourself and how you think you should be playing the game in the moveset. Okay? Again, not going to explain that, ‘cause I haven’t even mentioned Sonic much yet and I’m probably, like, a thousand words into this – I don’t know [just shy of 5000, actually. And we’re not even an hour into the recording yet].
Um, but that’s what I mean by action expressionism. God of War 2018 does not have much action expressionism. Even if you had every move in the skilltree, you’re still very, very limited in your amount of expressionism in combat. You know, it’s like, it’s mostly a game of parrying. Which is fine, you know. Eeeh, like the Soulsborne games are about parrying.
*Laughs* They are not about parrying. First absolutely incorrect drunk thing I’ve said in this blog [Well…]. Soulsborne games are not, at all, about parrying.
God of War 2018 is very much about parrying. Which is cool. It’s fine. Parrying is a very good mechanic whenever it’s implemented very well. And in a visceral way. And I WILL say, aside from all this complaining, God of War is a…VERY visceral game. Attacking feels good. Throwing the ax feels good. Recalling the ax feels good. Killing foo’s – fools – feels good. It’s a very visceral game. I’m not ever going to say the combat system is bad. Because it’s VISCERAL. It is satisfying, in and of itself. But that doesn’t mean it’s well-designed. It just means it’s well…presented. The way it’s designed, the camera does nothing but impair the combat. The combat itself – which, I know I didn’t explain this very well, but I’m drunk so give me a fucking break – the combat doesn’t allow a lot of expressionism.
So it-it-it’s mi-it’s missing that certain element that gives a game like Super Mario Odyssey – because this blog is clearly half about Mario. *Laughs* Gives a game like Super Mario Odyssey such a satisfying gamefeel, because there is…SSSOOOO MUCH expressionism in Super Mario Odyssey. There’s so much expressionism they made an entire sub-mode just about players challenging each others with their own individual expressionism. If that’s not a testament to the expressionism of Super Od…Super Mario Odyssey, I don’t know what is.
…Anyway, in a very long-winded, drunken way, that is why I don’t care much for God of War. Which surprised me. I played it for the first time this year because I was excited for God of War Ragnarok. And then I played God of War – still haven’t finished it, I will probably next year – and *sighs* I was just, like, very unimpressed. Especially given its critical a-reception, um… So that already-it already stifled a lot of my excitement for God of War Ragnarok.
That doesn’t answer the question:
Why do I – DID I preorder Sonic Frontiers instead of God of War Ragnarok?
Obviously that’s because God of War Ragnarok is $70, and why the fuck is Sony even doing that? Amiright? It’s fucking bullshit.
But, no, besides that…
Sonic’s my fucking bro, bro.
Like, listen, listen: I want you, hypothetical reader, to understand something. I am the youngest millennial you can possibly meet. I don’t have many no-nostalgic memories of the SNES because I wasn’t BORN yet. I was born in the midst of the 6th generation [*5th], and I was too young during the 6th [*5th] generation to really properly appreciate the games made during that generation.
With that said—
Mmm, no. I didn’t play it on my own. I think my brother was trying to do a cute thing where he played as Sonic and I played Tails. And no, I’m not talking about either Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and Sonic the Hedgehog 3 – I’m talking about Sonic Adventure. Okay. That was my first exposure to Sonic, as far as I know. I played as Tails. I don’t like Tails. But I love Sonic. I don-I can’t explain why.
But, you know, I didn’t watch any of the Resident Evil movies. Either the live-action or the animated…or the later live-action ONE that was on Netflix and advertised for, like, a month before they gave up on it. Which, I think, now that I’m saying it, might’ve been a series… But, no, there was also a movie. Was the movie by Netflix or was there a movie unrelated from the series that was on Netflix? I don’t remember.
But, I didn’t watch that. You know what I did watch? Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Not 1, ‘cause it looked really stupid. But I did watch, in full-length, Sonic the Hedgehog 2.
And you know why that is? Because I fucking LOVE Sonic the Hedgehog. And as a fully-grown, actually competent, critical adult…I don’t have a good reason to tell you why I love Sonic the Hedgehog. I didn’t even grow up with Sonic the Hedgehog when he was GOOD—
OPEN PERENTHESIS Sonic Adventure and Sonic Adventure 2 are bad games. I am sorry to tell you that. CLOSE PERENTHESIS
But I still love Sonic. He’s literally my bro. You know, it’s like-like ehh – because this blog is secretly half about Mario somehow. ‘Cause Mario is the epitome of action AND level design. Maybe I’ll explain what I mean by that in the future. I PROBABLY won’t. Fuck you. Just believe the things I’m saying. Hold on, I’m going to take a sip of beer…
*Loudly slams can on countertop*
…Mario is like that kid in school that’s, like, really fuckin’ cool. You know, like he gets an A in all of his tests. And yet he’s not, like, pretentious. He’s not, like, snobby. He’s not an asshole about it. You just know he aces all his tests, and you’re like, “I wanna be friends with that kid, because he’s just so cool,” And then you become friends with him and you realize, “This motherfucker is just so…fucking…mmm, prolific…and successful. And good. I don’t understand how he is this good. How am I going to relate to this?”
And then here comes Sonic. You know, I guess he’s a foreign exchange student, ‘cause that might help the analogy. I don’t think so, now that I’ve said it. But I’m going to stick with it. So he’s been – y-you know, you knew Mario before Sonic. But then you’re introduced to Sonic and it’s like: here’s a kid; he’s really fucking good at, like, two things, right. Socializing. And…um…we’ll say history. ‘Cause no one really cares much about history, so it’s kinda appropriate for the analogy that I’m about to say. But he’s really good at socializing and history, but he gets, like, Bs or Cs in everything else. And you’re just like, “This kid.” You’re just starstruck: “Here’s this exotic-ass motherfucker. And, you know what, he-he-he fails occasionally. Just like I do.”
Sidenote: I never really failed in school. So this analogy doesn’t make a lot of sense from my personal perspective.
But anyway, to continue with the analogy: So he’s cool. Like I-like I like to think I am, even though I am…a pseudo-failure…
Sidenote: Not doing well in school really isn’t much indicative of your ability as a…human being. So, if you didn’t do well or aren’t doing well in school, don’t worry too much about it. Because that doesn’t really paint a picture of who you are or how successful you can be as a person. Because academic intelligence is only one fraction of holistic, individual intelligence. So don’t worry if your academic intelligence isn’t where it is with other people, because that literally…barely matters. It-I would say it doesn’t matter, but society has been built around the idea that it matters. Even though it shouldn’t matter. Keep in mind, there’s academic intelligence, there’s social intelligence, there’s, um, compassionate intelligence, there’s practical intelligence – there’s a lot of forms of intelligence. And in school, they only test your academic intelligence. So, being bad at school does not mean you’re stupid. It just means that, most likely, your intelligence lies in another factor of being a human being. And hopefully you find that in the future, and you find what you truly excel at. Or you find it now – I don’t know how old you are. I think the general age-range of this website is older than I am. So, I would hope that, if you didn’t succeed in school…tthhhhirty years ago, you’re still successful in life currently. Because everyone should be successful in life. And it’s a shame that society as a whole doesn’t allow everyone to be successful in life. But that’s a whole other tangent I’d have to go on, and I have to talk about Sonic right now.
So anyway, Sonic… END PARANTHESIS. Sonic – *laughs* – so anyway, Sonic, umm… So you relate to Sonic, because he’s not great at everything in school. “Just like I am.” Umm… But he just – I dunno. It’s like, he’s really endearing in that fact, you know? If I were to say who’s the better video game…video game…character. I would say Mario. But Sonic just has a special place in my ar-my heart. Because he fails, as well as succeeds.
And, sure, if you go into Mario spin-offs, he’s failed. But I – we’re not – this blog is only half about Mario, okay. We’re not talking about all that.
For the most part, Mario has set trends, innovated, been the best game of his generation, and somehow consistently did that for, like, 30 years. Mario is amazing.
You should definitely play: Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 2 (t-the Japanese one, you can skip the American one), Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World, Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine (…that one’s very nostalgic for me, but I don’t really know how it holds up for someone who wh-didn’t grow up with it), Super Mario Galaxy, Super Mario Galaxy 2, Super Mario 3D…World (probably Land too. I…haven’t played Land, but it’s probably really good), uhhh Super Mario…Odyssey (like – fuckin’ – if you have a Switch and haven’t played Super Mario Odyssey then you’re…owning a Switch WRONG. If there’s two games you should play, it’s Breath of the Wild an’ Super Mario Odyssey. Any other game doesn’t matter much)… *clears throat* and…th-Bowser’s Fury (which was also…pretty good. You know… It was pretty good. I would play it. You should play it).
Um…play all those games. As far as I’m concerned, you’re not actually a hardcore gamer unless you’ve played all those games. You don’t even have to like those games. BUT you do have to play them.
Mario is fantastic.
I… We’re going back to Sonic—
So Sonic is like… Okay, so wh-what did Sonic do? He came in, he told, like, a really good joke. He did, like, the fart-armpit noises. And then, he couldn’t even read “Quentin” in cursive. What the fuck’s wrong with him? He belongs in the special kids’ class.
*Takes drawn-out breath*
…That’s a Simpson’s reference.
I think only, like…2% of the people reading this will get that. Which is-is…I wanna say 5 people. But 2% would never be 5 people unless I’m saying that… Hold on. I’m going to do math.
5 times 50 is 2…50… Which means that for 2% to be 5 people…at least………1/5th of 250 would’ve hadta read this (?). WAIT, hold on… I’m gonna – okay, I’m gonna say things. Future me, don’t transcribe this. I just – I really need to do some math right now. But don’t write this down, okay…
So 5 people are 2%. Then 100% of that is going to be 2 times 50, which is 100 people… So 2 people – the 5% – 2 – 5 people…is not 2% of 100 people. Fuck. So it has to be 250 people. 250 people are reading this. *Sighs* So 1 percent of 250 is 2.5, which means that…5% – 5 people is 2%...of 250. So I’m dealing with a range – not a range, but whatever the fuck it’s called. A control – a group of 250…people.
All right, I did the math. You can actually just write that. It wasn’t even as long-winded and stupid as I thought it be. Although I’m kinda ashamed I didn’t figure it out faster [“5 times 50 is 2…50”]. But I am drunk, so I have an excuse.
Okay… So only 2 people – which is to say 5 people – will understand that reference I just made that I CANNOT remember right now.
But the point – *Laughs hysterically* – but the point is…
Sonic fails a lot. And that makes him more endearing.
Sonic’s so perfect, you know…
I mean, Mario’s so perfect, you know.
And that’s kind of – it’s almost off-putting that he’s as perfect as he is. Like, I don’t know how the designers so consistently make such GOOD games. Like, I-I think Mario’s probably the best treated franchise in all of gaming history – if you ignore all the shitty spin-offs.
But Sonic is just, like, he’s that kid in school. You’ve seen him fail, but he’s still really cool. So, it’s like, even though you wanna hang out with Mario – almost ‘cause you want his fuckin’…um, prestige to rub off on you – you wanna hang out with Sonic more because he literally…IS you.
It’s-i-iss – Sonic… Sonic is just cool.
Not because he was designed specifically to be cool. But he’s designed because he’s gone through struggles, and yet still perseveres.
I feel like I have five other things to say about why I like Sonic and consider him a bro. But, I really think that took TOO long. So I’m gonna move on, back to…the question. The um…uhh, the…statement on…the…whole project… I don’t remember what it is. Umm, I just saw Tim Rogers say it as I started watching his review…for…what the fuck was that review for? I don’t remember. But he just said it…about something – I don’t know what I’m saying.
I should just move on – okay.
[For the record, I didn’t forget the question itself – it was written on the damn wall; I couldn’t forget it if I wanted to. The “it” Drunken Moose didn’t remember was the word ‘thesis.’ I’m not going to address name dropping Tim Rogers out of nowhere aside from gently encouraging you to watch his stuff. It’s pretty good.]
Sonic’s really relatable. And that’s why Sonic is my bro. Mario is, like, that kid…that had…the fuckin’ Neo Geo growing up – that’s a reference for all you older people. I didn’t have a Neo Geo growing up. I had an N64. And a Playstation… And a Dreamcast. And, I gotta say, I don’t understand why people love the Dreamcast so much. I mean, it’s kinda cool. I really wish they remade Power Stone. ‘Cause Power Stone’s fuckin’ TIGHT… But that’s not the point. Okay…
Why did I preorder Sonic Frons-Frontiers i-instead of…God of War Ragnarok?
Woah, I’m so dizzy. Okay – that’s okay. We’re moving on.
…So I’ve established God of War 20…18 wasn’t that good. And that really stifled my excitement for God of War Ragnarok. Even though, I will say, the recent trailer for God of War Ragnarok *claps* OH MY GOD. That was sooo fuckin’ epic. I wwwish I liked God of War 2018 more, because that trailer was fffFUCKIN’ awesome. And I really wish I was ss-more excited for Ragnarok. But I’m really not, because of th-problems with…that design of God of War that I previously talked about. Though I only talked about two points, but I think I’ve ranted about a lot of other things so far. But GOD, I wish I was excited for God of War Ragnarok. That trailer made me WISH I was more excited.
[Let sober me throw in a third point, at least. Another big problem with Daddy of War: Norse Mythology Edition drunk me neglected to mention at any point was the puzzles. They legitimately suck. I thought Uncharted 2’s puzzles were bad – The Last of Greece Part Norse has some of the worst excuses for puzzles I’ve seen in a AAA, big-boy/girl game. Activate thing-throw ax to freeze thing-utilize frozen thing-repeat ad nauseam. It’s especially disappointing considering the OGs were some of the few bastions for AAA puzzles throughout the 2000s.]
And that Sonic is my bro. As I’ve said, like, 5 times already. He’s literally my bro – okay?
I recently bought Sonic Colors Ultimate. Really shitty remake, but let me say: replaying Sonic Colors, pretty great. I kinda wanna play it right now, now that I’m talking about it. And that’sss… I don’t even think Sonic Colors is THAT good. It’s a good game, but it’s not THAT good. But since I’ve bought it, I’ve been really wanting to replay it. Like, more and more…and more. I literally plays Mario + Rabbids and sometimes I’m just like, “you know what, I wanna play Sonic Colors right now.” But I don’t, for reasons.
*Unintelligible blabber; I listened to this 5 second snippet dozens of times and couldn’t distinguish a single word. I definitely said something, but I’ve no clue what the hell it was*
[…] I feel like it’s not. Sonic’s a bro. God of War 2018 isn’t that good.
I feel like you wa – y-you fucking people want more.
Umm. I mean, that’s, like…the core of the argument. I just like Sonic. I w-I was planning on buying Sonic Boom! Even when I started to be, like – even when I started to watch the pre-release footage, and be like, “This looks really NOT GOOD.” I still kinda wanna buy it. I only didn’t buy it because I didn’t have a lot of money. I did buy Sonic Lost World. And, let me say, Sonic Lost World…pretty decent game. I would buy it again. I will probably buy it on Steam some day when it’s on sale. Although I don’t think it’s on my wishlist. I should…put that on my wishlist after this…whole exercise. Whole endeavor.
Umm… Yeah, Sonic Lost World – I should probably just drunkenly review Sonic Lost World right now. No! Don’t worry, that’s apart of a whole plan. It’s apart of a 3-blog plan for this whole…Sonic Frontiers business. SPOILER. Don’t worry, only…250 people read this, so I don’t really care if I spoil my internal plans to you people.
Point is…expect more Sonic content.
Umm… Sss, aww fuck, I’m so dizzy.
I need to get more on track. Sonic…the Hedgehog is my bro.
*Laughs* I wish Sonic was here right now so I could just, like, chill with Sonic. ‘Cause that would be…really cool. See? That’s going with some-that whole thing that I think I said 20 minutes ago.
I would chill with Sonic.
I probably wouldn’t chill with Mario.
Mario’s cool. If Mario invited me out to dinner, I would go to dinner. But he would tell me all these things about, like, politics and history that would be SO out-of-my-depth. And I would just be like, “Man, how are you this smart? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” I would try to play it cool during the dinner, I would be like, “Yeah, no, I get what you’re saying, bro. Like… *exhales* Like, yeah, monkeys shouldn’t be the leaders of an island because they could kidnap women at any time.”
And, you know, you’re not prepared for that.
But Sonic, I’d hang out with. And he gets me – I get him. We’re bros.
I’m not bros with Kratos…
This whole blog could be summarized as: I am bros with Sonic. I am not bros with Kratos. Kratos scares me, actually… End of blog [pff, you wish, O’ Fearless Reader. We ain’t even halfway through yet].
All right, I need to reevaluate this.
All right, so I established why I didn’t…like God of War. Which lead to me not thinking I’ll like the Ragnarok. I’ve explained why Sonic’s a bro, in the form of a metaphor. Which I think I finished explaining… But I’m equally pretty sure that I DIDN’T… So we’re gonna just roll with the assumption that I actually finished the explanation as to why Sonic is a bro.
Why did I preorder Sonic Frontiers instead of God of War Ragnarok?
I gunna be real with you: Sonic Frontiers is, like, the coolest looking Sonic thing that they’ve shown since Sonic Lost World. And the fact that I just said that reminds me of how disappointing Sonic Lost World was. Even though Sonic Lost World was still a decent game. Um…they should remake it… I would buy it.
I’m probably the only person who shou-who would buy it.
Only they should probably fix Sonic Colors Ultimate BEFORE remaking any other Sonic game. Even though I’m pretty sure they’re not going to do that… I just really hate the loading times. It’s really not that horrible of a remake – I mean, it’s a bad remake. But it’s not egregiously bad to the point of ruining the original experience of playing Sonic Colors. But I played Sonic Colors a lot, so I know that Sonic Colors already lacked polish in certain areas. Sonic Colors Ultimate lacks polish in different areas, but WAY more different areas. And I don’t know why. What were they focusing on? Making it so you can change Sonic’s sss…g, uhh…shoes to being the color yellow?
Make the game better than the original version, or else you shouldn’t be remaking it. Just port it. It doesn’t even look that much better. It’s a little bloomy. Comparatively. That’s literally it.
…The loading screens are atrocious. Literally, they just – I played on the Switch, by the way. ‘Cause ‘Sonic,’ ‘Switch’ – it just makes sense to me. I don’t care if you disagree. ‘Cause that’s how I feel.
Umm…loading screens are fuckin’ terrible. Sonic Colors was literally built around specific musical cues when the loading screen…ends. It’s built around that shit. And Sonic Colors Ultimate ruins it. I don’t even care about how the game can be glitchy. I don’t even care about how the graphics don’t really look that good for a game released in 2022. Or 2021. I don’t remember when it was released, but I bought it in 2022… I don’t care that it is objectively, at best, a mediocre remake. All I care about is they ruined those musical cues. And it also takes too long to play. I would probably play a lot more Sonic Colors Ultimate if the levels loaded way faster. But they don’t, and it pisses me off every time. I-it reminds me that I gave them money for making a shitty remake, so I’m a part of the problem.
Anyway, I’m going to take a sip of beer right now. Hold on…
[[Future-FUTURE Moose here. Turns out my shenanigans were simply too long for Destructoid's blog platform. Incidentally, the word limit seems to be 9309. If you were curious. Sooo, I've elected to break it up into three parts. And, in an especially lazy fashion, I'm putting zero consideration into its affect upon the reader's experience.
NOW STOP READING THIS AND CLICK HERE.
I MEAN IT, MY WIT IS AT AN EGREGIOUS LOW AT THE MOMENT. CLICK HERE. THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO SEE IN THIS HAPHAZARDLY WRITTEN PART-BREAK.
…What do you want from me?
I'm telling you, there's no clever easter egg waiting for you beyond these pleas.
Just click on the thingle from before. Here, I'll link it for a third goddamn time:
Are you fuckin' serious?
Whatever, I guess if you wanna just hang out for a bit you can.
You're not welcome to, but I'll respect your choice.
I could go on some random rant about how pecan pies are underappreciated this time of year, or something. But, out of pure spite, I'm not going to make any attempts to indulge you.
Instead, I'll dryly list candies I like.
In no particular order, mind you:
I lost interest in this faster than I thought I would.
I'm done here.
If you want to stay on this page, that's on you. But I'm afraid I won't be keeping you company any longer.
Bye for now.
Hope to see you soon.]]