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I am The Gamers.


Dear CD Projekt Red,

I am The Gamers.

As The Gamers, I know what I want. And knowing I know what I want, I would like to ask CD Projekt and GOG to know what I want and don't want, which is games. I want to be sold an actual horror of a game, but also don't want actual horror games. Because I am The Gamers.

As The Gamers, you have blessed me with a fancy yellow chair from which I stream the games. The games I know I want well before ever having played them. I will tell others they should want them because I wanted this yellow chair. I will fight to the death for games and all gamers, except some of them.

Why except some of them? Because bad things are only bad and real if they happen to me, The Gamers. Therefore crunch is noble, selfless and good.

Since I am The Gamers, I am also in your games. In the games, rubbing elbows with Keanu Reeves. In your best new game, Hideo Kojima looks better than ever, unlike in his own games in which you just walk and carry too many things, which would never become an issue in your cool, new game I knew I wanted. Because unlike that game, it has much cars. Many cars!

Cars that trancend the notions of both flight and staying above pavement. Cars I am too cool to drive because I have decided walking is punk, actually. I am The Gamers and will now pronounce this great AAA effort the adorable pet title of "eurojank" at my convenience when my face or clothes won't load.

This is the best game. It has lesbian and trans innuendo ads, the very height of humanization and satire. Much edge.

I, as The Gamers, sitting on my edgy yellow throne, have decreed it so and have not been unduly influenced by you, CD Projekt Red and your social media campaigns and games that are better than Blade Runner, Ghost in the Shell 2, and Deus Ex.

Also great is that I must disable licensed music to stream, which is normal for all the games I have ever played and not unusual in the slightest. I'm The Gamers, the edgy outsider who will capitulate to these corporate demands for any likes and subscribes I can muster.

I also asked for PS4 code, but as The Gamers, I guess only getting PC review code is fine because why should I deal in platforms people can actually buy? I am now above lowly PS4s. I will get the expensive PC you want me to have in this pandemic economy. It's fine.

I am also glad you find that my vast experience as The Gamers puts me ahead of the scrubs at Digital Foundry and Destructoid's Chris Carter in terms of priority. I like being there first and using my technical knowledge feels normal. I am but a gamer of the gamers for I am The Gamers and speak for all gamers. We don't need nerdy breakdowns of your great new game on old hardware.

I am The Gamers and I'm glad you listen to me. Please don't sell Devotion because reasons.


The Gamers

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About Whispering Willowone of us since 2:32 PM on 12.21.2012

Member of the Destructoid community team, moderator, hunter (or is that hoonter?), part-time Roegadyn and fae regent.

My favorite weapons are the claymore, the Mk. 22 tranquilizer pistol and the banhammer.

For other things and stuff about me you can read here, here and here. You will learn of my origins, my trials and tribulations and how I became a Level 80 superpixie!

Some of my favorite games:

Super Metroid
Metroid Prime
Metroid Zero Mission
Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne
Shin Megami Tensei IV
Digital Devil Saga
Devil Summoner 2
Devil Survivor
Persona 3 Portable
Persona 4 Golden
Final Fantasy VI
Final Fantasy VIII
Final Fantasy X/X-2
Final Fantasy XI
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow
Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
Shenmue II
Jet Set Radio
Jet Set Radio Future
Shadow of the Colossus
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
Deus Ex
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Fallout: New Vegas
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Freedom Wars
Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate
Dissidia Duodecim
Soulcalibur II
Shovel Knight
The Binding of Isaac
Dead Cells
Ghost of Tsushima

...and more!