An Open Letter to Capcom and Friends

Dear Capcom,

Hello! My name is Caleb, I'm 21 years of age and I like to play video games. I don't really enjoy myself if I haven't played a good game in a while. I get cranky, bratty, sometimes I'm even a down right prick. So I was wondering if I could talk about your new games that I've heard so much about? No? Well that's just swell, I knew I could confide in you.

I hear there's alot of cool and classic franchises you guys have been planning to ressurect, and even make sequels to! I thought to myself "Oh Capcom, what won't you do? Just don't bring back Mega Man as a pokemaster please." and so far you haven't, until that sh*tty Card Rapers game. It was going well and the anticipation was like my first pre pubesent hard on that wouldn't go away. Then it happened, you dropped the biggest bombshell on the net since Diakiantakakakaka : Street Fighter 4, but we don't like to call it that, do we? No, it's Street Fighter IV, along with all the other cliche' titled games. Woo.. sorry, I told you I get cranky. Where was I? Oh yeah, Ken giving Ryu a blowjob. Why oh why did you release these screens? Ryu is packing a major surprise for Ken in his pants, and it all went to shit from there. Your "cell shaded 2-D fighting game with 3-D graphics" didn't impress alot of us. In fact it pissed alot of people off. Obviously with screens like these I'm well aware this has been in the making for some time. I think most of your fans were kind enough to forgive and wait until they saw some gameplay. Totally understandable, but don't f*ck it up please, or it's my sh*t list for you. Next time you make a teaser trailer, you make it without crushing our dreams and handing out false hope.

Speaking of Street Fighter, remember that really crappy port that Microsoft is selling? The one they sell for ten dollars? Well what about your new Street Fighter XBLA game? There's no street date on it, but for f*ck sakes it's got to be coming out in '08, right? Capcom? Ok, I understand you're working on two Street Fighter games, but I thought maybe you could, you know, lower the price of your sh*tty arcade port to hold us over until ONE of your new games comes out. I mean, the freaking thing doesn't even work without a proper arcade stick, which I've yet to find. It's ok though, I trust you'll do the right thing.

Hey, you know what else? Bionic Weiners. I mean Commando. Wow, all these old franchises coming back, it's almost like you ran out of ideas! No, you're not like Hollywood I understand. You could never "ressurect a dead horse just to beat it to death again*", just to make a quick buck. I know you'll treat these old childhood pastimes with love and care. That's all I'm really asking. Actually what I'd really love is Dead Rising 2, maybe even a NEW ORIGINAL IP, which by this point in the video game lifecycle is almost rare. Well, good ones anyways.

Thank you for listening Capcom. I knew you'd understand! I just needed to get that off my chest. Maybe when some of your games launch, you could politely ask Microsoft not to rape us so hard on Downloadable Content? I'd appreciate that, since most of my money now goes torwards the lube for the assraping, rather Microsoft points that I so desperately need.

I know! You could make a fighting rythym game that you use a guitar to perform wicked C-C-C-COMBO BREAKERS all while shredding that sick metal riff! YEAH!



- Snail


*Quoted from our loving Amazon back alley dealer, -D-.