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Destructoid Chooses It's Own Adventure Volume 3 - Chapter 3


Green Stapler

Welcome chapter two of my third CYOA style blog. You can read chapter one here. And chapter two here. Like the previous ones I'll leave a few ways the story could continue at the end of the chapter and you the reader can vote in the comments which of the choices you like the most. New chapters will come out Sundays. There will be six chapters total. Thank for you to those who contributed to chapter one by providing prompts. I hope you enjoy chapter one.

Chapter 3

Without a second thought I charged straight at the newly united villains. Just full speed, dead ahead. At first, it stunned the duo. Such a reckless action took them off guard. Professor Eggplant leapt out of the way. The Green Stapler froze at first, but then regained his composure. He took aim at me and fired one of his staple guns.

The metal projectile flew toward me at high velocity. Stapler smirked, knowing that at my current speed I wouldn’t be able to stop or dodge. In his mind, I was finished.

With a metallic clang the staple hit my horned helmet and bounced off of it. Stapler didn’t react at first. He just stood there, confused. By the time he realized what had happened, it was too late. I plowed into him and sent him flying into the window of a wedding dress shop. The glass shattered with a loud boom, little shards of glass flying everywhere. 

The impact had taken the wind out of me, as well. I took a moment to catch my breath. Before I could though I felt a sharp sting on my thigh. I looked down to see one of Professor Eggplant’s little monsters nibbling on my leg. I quickly smacked the little shit off of me just as another latched itself onto my arm. I elbow dropped my new attacker onto the cold, hard pavement. It smushed into a gooey, purple paste.

Quickly I got up on my feet and put my guard up. There was one more little monster out there, and I knew it would attack any second. 

After checking around for the little bastard my eyes locked on its creator. Professor Eggplant stared at me, arms crossed with a dumb smirk on her face. Her lab coat had small patches of dirt on it from when she’d dove out of the way of my stampede.

“Looking for something?” she goaded me, with a sarcastic sneer.

A bead of sweat rolled down my face as the tension built. Where was that little freak? It wasn’t anywhere on the street that I could see. I had looked all around me. I’d looked everywhere except-

Above me.

I turned my eyes skyward just in time to see the little nipper falling toward me, it’s little eggplant tongue sticking out of it’s little fanged mouth. It’s tiny feet reared back, ready to dig its small, but razor-sharp claws into me. Professor Eggplant threw her head back to let out a belly laugh at my expense.

As the little monster hurdled toward me, I made a snap decision. I reached out and grabbed it. Just plucked it out of the air. Quick as a whip I spun around and tossed him back to his mommy. Professor Eggplant never saw it coming. She was too busy laughing at my expense. Her own creation smacked her straight in the face. Professor Eggplant let out a yelp as she crashed to the ground.

A small smirk crossed my face as she fell down. I couldn’t help but feel a little proud of this one. But my feeling of superiority was cut short by the familiar sting of metal clipping into my back. I turned around, shooting pain in my back to see the Green Stapler standing there pointing one of his guns at me. His costume was ripped apart, and his hair a mess. Not surprising since he was thrown through a plate glass window. He held only one gun, the other nowhere to be seen. He also had several wedding garters stapled to him. And on his face he wore a look of absolute rage.


I mustered up some bravado and asked, “Have a stapling mishap?”

“One of my guns malfunctioned,” he spat at me, “Got smashed against a wall and fired ‘em wildly. Got these dumb things stuck to me as a result.”

He fired more staples at me which I dodged easily. His gun had power but was most effective when its target was taken by surprise. I wasn’t going to be lowering my guard any time soon, so he was no real threat to me.

“Give it up Stapler,” I called out. “You know you can’t take me head on.”

Stapler chuckled and replied, “Perhaps not. Perhaps I never stood a chance against you, one on one. But that’s why I didn’t come alone.”

“If you’re referring to the Professor, she’s down, “I responded, hands on my hips. “You’re on your own now.”

Instead of acting surprised or confused, Stapler just laughed even harder. A crazed grin crossed his face and he replied, “You should really double check such things before acting so smug.”

From behind me, as if on cue, I heard a terrible growl. I turned to see a new Eggplant monster behind me. But this one was truly horrifying.

It was humanoid, for starters. A large, human-esque, hulking monster with purple skin and a horrifying fanged smile on its face. It’s leaves formed a familiar haircut and a lab coat covered it’s now bulky body. There was no denying it, the monster was my old foe.

Professor Eggplant and turned herself into a monster.

The mutated Professor let out a guttural roar. Instead of being stunned by it, I saw it for what it was. A ruse. I leapt into the air, dodging several staples as they flew past me. I had had enough of these two taking my attention away from one so the other could strike. From here on, I battled them as if they were one.

The staples that I dodged found their way into Professor Eggplant’s newly transformed body, burying themselves into her purple, plantlike “flesh”. She let out a cry and gave Stapler a grave look. His response was to scream in frustration and fire at me once I had landed. I dodged the projectiles again and plucked a trash can lid off of the street. I tossed it at the Stapler, which he dodged by diving out of the way. 

As he crashed to the ground he dropped his gun which slid far enough away from him that he would not be able to reach it before I was upon him. A fist fight between us ensued. I got a few licks in before I got hear Eggplant lumbering toward us. I grabbed Stapler and tossed him at the raging beast. He crashed into her, hurting him a bit but barely effecting Eggplant at all. She didn’t even slow down. 

Our battle was fierce. She launched her powerful fists at me, which I barely dodged each time. Her fists crashed into walls and pavement causing small craters all around me. I came to the realization that in a one on one situation, I stood no chance against this beast. I needed a lucky break. And I needed it now.

Luckily for me, Stapler had taken this opportunity to regain his gun. He took aim at me and emptied the rest of his ammo at me. I had been keeping an eye on him throughout the fight with eggplant, knowing this moment would be coming. Cleverly, I’d even given him the window to fire at me. As the tiny metal projectiles closed in I positioned myself to give Eggplant a perfect window to finish me. She took it, just as I’d planned.

As Eggplant readied the final blow, she positioned herself in front of me. And right in the way of the incoming staples. I heard them bury themselves in her mutated flesh with horrible squishy sounds. A look of surprise crossed her monstrous face before turning to seething rage. She turned from me and stared down her partner in crime. And then made a beeline straight toward him.

Eggplant and Stapler were now locked in combat, Stapler desperately trying to avoid her hulking frame. Both were getting tired. I seized the opportunity and ran straight toward them. I launched shoulder first into Professor Eggplant knocking her down and onto the pavement. She smashed her bulbous head into a fire hydrant, knocking her out. Then, while he was still shocked I gave Stapler a hard roundhouse kick. He went flying through the air and through another store window. This time I knew he wouldn’t be getting back up.

I dragged Stapler’s unconscious body into the street toward Professor Eggplant, who was no longer a mutated freak. I leaned the two up against one another, back to back. Then I called the police and told them where they could pick up the duo. And then I used some rope from the store Stapler had been thrown through to tie them both up.

While I was waiting for the cops to appear Professor Eggplant began to mutter something under her breath. I couldn’t quite make out what it was, but I did hear her say, “It didn’t work…why didn’t it work…H said it would work…H said this time he stood no chance…”

I wondered what she was was talking about when out of the corner of my eye I spied a shadowy figure. It darted into an alleyway as soon as I turned to look at it. I felt a chill run down my spine. Could this be the “H” Eggplant was muttering about? Had they been watching this whole time? Was there more to Stapler and Eggplant’s team up than I had thought?

There was a lot going through my mind and I knew I had to make a decision. Fast.

End of Chapter 3

Now its time to decide how the story will continue. Choose one of the options below and leave your choice in a comment below. The fate of Cow Man is in your hands.

A) Chase after the shadowy figure, leaving Professor Eggplant and the Green Stapler tied up in the street.

B) Ignore the figure for now and get more answers out of this criminal duo.

C) Toss Professor Eggplant and the Green Stapler over your shoulders and chase after that shadow.

Special thanks to LaTerry whose suggestion of wedding garter was used in this chapter. If you want to play along and have a suggestion appear in Chapter 4 I will need a piece of furniture and something you’re afraid of.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope you’ll join me for the next one. Thanks for reading!

- Thank You For Reading, And Remember: Hot Dogs are Sandwiches. #TeamSandwich

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About dephoenixone of us since 10:41 AM on 03.01.2016

Former Head of Destructoid's Unofficial Book Club, Former Head of the Unofficial Book of the Month Club, Wes's Unofficial Father, and Self-Appointed Supreme High Priest of #TeamSandwich.

Super Mario Bros. 3 was the very first game (I remember) playing. Since then I have been a big fan of the medium.

I'm an avid gamer and aspiring writer. RPGs and platformers are my bread and butter, but I'm also a fair action/adventure guy too. Really there are no genres I outright dislike, just individual games. Every game genre offers something different, and I've come to love the variety. I feel the same way with comics, movies, manga, etc. Not really hung up on "genres", I just like what I like, and I don't care what genre it is.

Recently I've been trying to "break out of my shell" by getting out of my comfort zone and trying things I normally would not. Because of this I have discovered lots of new games, books, manga, shows, and movies that I now love. I do my part now to try to help others expand their horizons and get out of their own familiar space and try new things.

Destructoid has been a big help in getting me to broaden my horizons, and interact with more people outside my familiar circle of friends and acquaintances. I've come to love this site, and look forward to sharing more with you knuckleheads.