BoB: Spider-Man: Hero or Menace?

This is a blog entry for this month's band of bloggers prompt. It's all about Spider-Man. Spoilers ensue.

*thwip*

I fly through the air with the greatest of ease. A daring young man who's a flying Spidey.

I've been your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man for about 8 years. I've fought a few super-villains, and countless common criminals. I've put hundreds of people behind bars. I rarely sleep these days. I spend all my time helping others. Crime never ceases. The bad guys never go away. Even when I lock them up, they are paroled or they escape. Then I duke it out with them all over again. 

I used to work for a man name J. Jonah Jameson. He used to run a newspaper. Now he's a talk radio host. He started as more of a Rush Limbaugh kind of guy. But now.... now he is more Alex Jones. And he hates Spider-Man. All day long I hear him tell the city of New York about how I exist only to serve myself. He's obviously insane. I have done nothing wrong my entire life!

I mean, there was one time when I sorta, kinda, indirectly caused the death of my Uncle who raised me. But that wasn't really my fault. I didn't pull the trigger. 

I have a perfectly healthy relationship with Mary Jane. I also am really into a girl named MJ. I mean, she does look like a mutant from my nightmares. And her voice is as grating as nails on a chalkboard. And she gets mad at me for protecting her even though I'm literally a superhero. And she is an adrenaline junkie that has never made a good decision in her life. And she relentlessly mocks my cooking. But I am there for her, dammit! I'm a nice guy. I'm a good boyfriend! Well, I mean, not technically. Strictly speaking, we broke up 6 months ago. But that's really just a technicality. She's still caught in my web. 

Of course, I do play the field. There is this police captain named Yuri that is the most gorgeous woman in New York. We flirt constantly. Occasionally I watch her walk home, just to make sure she's safe. Sometimes I'll watch as she sleeps. To keep her safe! The city needs her!

And there's this white haired crazy lady with a vaguely Russian accent of indeterminate age that chases me around the city. She clearly has a thing for me, and who can blame her? And honestly, she kinda works for me. She has this 2% milf thing going on. And you know I like crazy (my girlfriend is a ginger, after all)!

And I'd be remiss not to mention Black Cat. She wants me. But I only like her once a week, on #catgirlfriday. 

But I digress. 

My favorite thing to do to defend the city is go to the rooftops. There is always crime on rooftops. I love when I leap to a roof over a dozen stories high and find a ring of common thugs. I whip out my spidey guitar (I won't tell you where I keep it) and let loose a righteous riff. With the power of rock I unleash a wave of energy that sends every single enemy flying off the roof! I mean, I don't want them to die. And if they're lucky, they'll live (albeit with several broken bones). Occasionally some will die, or become quadriplegics. But that's the risk they take when they do crime, right?

The most annoying people in the city are window washers. I crawl, walk, and run up and down and across the sides of buildings. But these damn window washers keep getting in my way. They say that I leave muddy footprints on the outside of the windows! But first, you should be so lucky as to have one my footprints. Secondly, without me, you'd be out of a job! So shut up!

And you know what else? I took down the biggest bad in the city! My old boss decided to be a supervillain with the tech that I helped build! I mean, how could I possibly have known that he'd use this technology for evil? Technology is a good thing! And he's like a fat old man. Who would have suspected him? But I beat him! I punched him right in his old man face! And I destroyed most of Oscorp Tower in the process. Which is a public service. That building is an eyesore if ever there was one. 

I mean, he did kill my Aunt May. But she's in a better place. So maybe he did her a favor. And now I have 1 less person weighing me down. The best spidey is a care-free spidey. And to be a care-free spidey, I can't be responsible for taking care of the elderly.

The best thing about being Spider-Man is I get to inspire others. There's this young kid Miles that's really cool. His dad just died. It's nice because I can empathize with him. But I taught him how to punch people. So now he is full of confidence! He has no qualms about entering dangerous situations. He has no fear! I did that! And guess what! He got spidey powers too! I can't wait to teach him how to be just like me! 

I wonder if there are any gingers at his school that he could hook up with....

- Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

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