Hellboy: Asylum Seeker. The horror, the horror!

A few years ago, a close friend of mine got me a PC game for my birthday. “That was nice of him,” I thought until I saw what it was. It was Hellboy: Asylum Seeker. Now to be honest at first I didn’t know a lot about the game, but the fact my friend had left the price sticker on the box was damming enough.

99p

Now for those of you not versed in the UK monetary system, let me explain. That’s 99 pence, 1 pence short of a pound. Now check your financial news channels to see what that’ll get you in your own currency. Right now that’ll get me $AUS 2.28, which ain’t too shabby. My friend then goes “I know you like Hellboy, and I’m cheap, so we both win”.

Well tonight, I installed Hellboy: Asylum Seeker and played it for the first time. Here are my findings.

1. Ok, I can at least play this on a decent resolution. 1,024 x 768 ain’t too shabby (for my PC anyway).
2. Sweet Jesus! Who came up with these controls? The now standard WASD + Mouse controls are a great combination, so why does this game start off by using the direction keys and a seemingly random assortment of letters for the controls? A for run, W for use, C for attack? Thankfully I change them to something less bizarre.
3. Ok, we go to a cut scene that appears to be a zoom shot of an old man whose mouth doesn’t even come close to matching what he’s supposed to be saying. Then I realise it’s a constant loop and that the camera just changes angles a couple of time. The music’s a bit loud and I can’t work out what’s being said. Anyway, we leave there and one of the BPRD team members (or are they BPRD, it’s not made explicit and they’re just people wearing jeans and grey jackets. One of the team investigates something in some random graveyard and is promptly killed by some undead thing.
4. Hellboy and Sara (what, no Liz Sherman?) turn up at the graveyard. Sara goes on ahead and Hellboy decides to check out stuff here. The entire area is minuscule, with one obvious exit. After checking two random doors I get inside a mausoleum and push some buttons that are on all graves these days. The big gate opens and I got through.
5. Incidentally, Hellboy sounds like Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince Of Bel-air.
6. As I walk through, hands burst from the ground; Zombies! The stand up and Hellboy punches them. Now, if you know a little about Hellboy you’ll know he has a regular arm and hand and that his right hand is a massive stone fist that he uses to fuck up Nazi scientists and frogmen. Now what would you punch a zombie with? This game goes for the former and there’s not even a combo; just the same weightless jab that pushed the zombie back without actually harming the undead bastard, at least it seems. After about a dozen punches, I get tired of this and just decide to walk to the next gate.
7. Go through the gate. There’s Sarah, telling me without moving her mouth that Peter is dead. Apparently, there’s a lot of blood about, which is a lie. Hellboy then proceeds to the only option available, an hourglass shaped save point. It saves with no hassle, which is a minor miracle at this point. From then it’s into a shadowy church, inside which lurks some big, friggin’ bird. Again it’s with the punches. I die fairly slowly, but I resolve to try again with the gun. Again with no success.
8. I finish up and resolve never to play again.

In all honesty I don’t get put off by games that I find frustrating at first; I’ll stick with them until I have at least a glimmer of reward (Pro Evo Soccer is the exception: every goal I score in that game still feels like a sympathy vote). Are there any good points to Hellboy: Asylum Seeker? Of course there is:

• I didn’t pay for it
• The loading screens have genuine Mike Mignola Hellboy Artwork.
• It does run on my PC

And that’s about it. Even if you find Hellboy: Asylum Seeker in the bargain bin, don’t buy it please, even if you’re a fan. Buy the animated Hellboy adventures on DVD, that shit’s much better. And pray to God that the forthcoming next-gen game will be semi-decent.