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LONG BLOG

MAX APPLESAUCE AND THE THING WHERE I DO THE WRITING TO SHOW YOU I'M NOT A FAILUR

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MAX APPLESAUCE HERE AND I AM NEWLY AVAILABLE FOR HIRE FOR ALL YOUR WRITING AND JUMPKICKING NEEDS SHOULD THOSE NEEDS ARISE AT SOME POINT IN TIME!!!

THANKS TO A TOTALLY BOGUS LAWSUIT ABOUT BESTIALITY-INDUCED MASSIVE SCALE PROPERTY DAMAGE THAT WAS TOTALLY NOT TRUE AND WAS LIES AND THAT'S WHY IT ENDED IN A SETTLEMENT AND DIDN'T GO ALL THE WAY TO TRIAL TO PROVE ANYTHING IN A COURT OF LAW SO I DON'T HAVE TO ADMIT I DID ANYTHING BECAUSE I DIDN'T, I AM BETWEEN JOBS! BUT THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE I CAN NOW FOLLOW MY TRUE PASSION OF BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL BIG TIME FANCY SEXY WRITER THAT SOMEONE PAYS WITH REAL MONEY THIS TIME! AND GUESS WHAT! GUESS! WHY AREN'T YOU GUESSING!? PLEASE I NEED THIS JUST GUESS!!! NO YOU'RE WRONG YOU DUMB STUPIDIOT THE ANSWER IS YOU GET TO PAY ME THAT REAL MONEY OR RESTAURANT GIFT CARDS!

What are you doing?

RICHARD GET OUT OF HERE HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS ARE YOU A WARLOCK!?

I have the wireless keyboard. I'm sitting in the chair across the room. 

GET OUT OF MY HEADTHINKING YOU VORPAL MINDBEAST!!!

I'm sorry (Welcome, new Canadian overlords!) everyone, I'm supposed to be looking out for him. I thought this might be a good outlet but I can't sit by and let him humiliate himself like this.

YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME EXCEPT WITH THE BACKSPACE KEY ON YOUR KEYBOARD I GUESS BUT THEN I'D BE REALLY ANGRY SO YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT PLEASE!!!

I'm not going to delete anything, buddy. That's not my place. I just want you to think through this before you embarrass yourself in front of all these people.

WHAT IS THERE TO THINK THROUGH LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS I DID I WAS A DETECTIVE AND A GOVERNOR ONCE IN A LONG LOST EPIC MOVIE COMIC STRIP I DREW ON THE COMPUTER WHERE I SAVED MY DAUGHTER FROM TERRORISTS OR NINJAS OR SOMETHING I DON'T REMEMBER AND THEN I GOT TO KISS THE GIRL IN THE END BECAUSE I WAS A HERO AND THERE WAS ALSO THAT TIME I FUCKED A UNICORN WHICH WAS NEVER PROVEN AND ITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR CAR EXPLODED BUT LOOK AT ALL THE BLOG POSTS THERE'S LIKE 6 OF THEM!!!

Yeah, I don't think those are going to work. You didn't even write most of them, and none of them were about video games. Also, wasn't the girl you kissed in that comic strip your daughter?

IT WAS FILMED IN EUROPE!!!

I see...

Well, look, I'm not going to say don't go for it, but you might want to write some new shit that has something to do with video games. Do you even know anything about games?

I KNOW THE WHOLE STORY OF METAL GEAR!!!

SOME RUSSIAN DUDES DECIDED TO BUILD A BIG TANK THAT COULD LAUNCH NUCLEAR MISSILES AND THE MAIN RUSSIAN DUDE SURROUNDED HIMSELF WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF SECRET AGENTS WHO WERE SENT IN TO SPY ON HIM BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW THIS BECAUSE THEY WERE REALLY GOOD SECRET AGENTS AND THEN ANOTHER SECRET AGENT WAS SENT IN TO KILL ONE OF THE OTHER SECRET AGENTS BECAUSE REASONS AND THEN THIS SECRET AGENT GOT ALL MAD AT THE GOVERNMENT AND CREATED AN ILLUMINATI WITH SOME FRIENDS BUT THEN THEY HAD A DISAGREEMENT AND HE LEFT AND CREATED AN ARMY AND SPENT HIS DAYS TAKING DOWN BIG WALKING ROBOTS UNTIL HIS ARMY WAS EXPLODED BY A SKELETON MAN SO THEN HE HAD TO TRICK A COMA PATIENT INTO BEING HIS DOPPLEGANGER BUT THE COMA PATIENT LET THE SECRET AGENT'S CRAZY ASSHOLE CLONE-BABY SON RUN OFF WITH A BIG WALKING ROBOT SO THEN THE SECRET AGENT CAME BACK AND SENT HIS SECRET AGENT CLONE-BABY SON TO KILL A BUNCH OF HIS SOLDIERS AND DESTROY HIS NEW BIG WALKING ROBOT BECAUSE I GUESS HE WAS CONFLICTED OR SOMETHING BECAUSE HE HAD PREVIOUSLY SPENT HIS LIFE TRYING TO STOP BIG WALKING ROBOTS AND MAYBE HE WAS FEELING GUILTY BECAUSE NOW HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A BIG WALKING ROBOT BUT THEN HE DIDN'T ANYMORE BECAUSE THE SECRET AGENT SON DESTROYED IT AND THEN THEY FOUGHT OVER IT AND THE SECRET AGENT SON WON BUT THE SECRET AGENT DAD JUST MOVED HIS ARMY AND BUILT ANOTHER BIG WALKING ROBOT BUT HIS SECRET AGENT SON CAME ALONG AGAIN AND BROKE THAT ONE TOO AND ALSO LIT THE SECRET AGENT DAD'S FACE ON FIRE WITH HAIRSPRAY AND A LIGHTER BECAUSE HE'S KIND OF A DICK BUT IT WASN'T THE SECRET AGENT DAD IT WAS ACTUALLY THE COMA PATIENT STILL PRETENDING TO BE THE SECRET AGENT DAD AND EVERYONE THOUGHT THE SECRET AGENT DAD WAS DEAD INCLUDING HIS CRAZY ASSHOLE SON WHO HIJACKED ANOTHER BIG WALKING ROBOT BECAUSE I GUESS HE LOST THE FIRST ONE HE STOLE WHEN HE WAS A CRAZY ASSHOLE BOY CHILD BUT THEN THE SECRET AGENT SON CAME ALONG AND BROKE THAT ONE AND THEN THE CRAZY ASSHOLE SON DIED AND THE SECRET AGENT SON DECIDED HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT BREAKING BIG WALKING ROBOTS SO HE TEAMED UP WITH HIS NERDY FRIEND JUST LIKE HIS SECRET AGENT DAD HAD TEAMED UP WITH THE NERDY FRIEND'S NERDY DAD UNTIL THEY SENT HIM OUT TO DRIFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN WITHOUT ANY FOOD OR SUPPLIES AND ALSO HIS LEGS DON'T WORK BUT ANYWAY TOGETHER THE SECRET AGENT SON AND THE NERDY FRIEND WENT ON BIG WALKING ROBOT DISMANTLING ADVENTURES BUT THEN THE SECRET AGENT SON WAS IN A BOAT ACCIDENT AND EVERYONE THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD BUT HE WASN'T AND THEN HE HELPED A FEMININE MAN WHO WAS TOLD BY COMPUTERS TO KILL THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS THE SECRET AGENT SON'S OTHER BROTHER AND THEN ONE OF THE SECRET AGENTS FROM THAT ONE TIME IN RUSSIA WENT CRAZY AND THOUGHT THE CRAZY ASSHOLE BROTHER WAS TAKING OVER HIS MIND AND HE STOLE A BIG WALKING ROBOT THAT COULD ALSO SWIM AND WENT OFF TO KILL THE ILLUMINATI AND THEN THE SECRET AGENT SON THAT WAS STILL ALIVE GOT REALLY OLD AND THE FEMININE GUY BECAME A ROBOT MAN AND DID SOME CRAZY FLIPPY FIGHTS WITH A SLIGHTLY LESS FEMININE MAN AND THE OLD GUY SECRET AGENT SON FOUGHT THE OLD GUY SECRET AGENT THAT THOUGHT HE WAS THE CRAZY ASSHOLE SON BECAUSE NANOMACHINES AND THEN THE SECRET AGENT SON HUNG OUT IN A GRAVEYARD AND HIS SECRET AGENT DAD SHOWED UP AND TOOK TWO HOURS TO SAY THIS PARAGRAPH!

 CUTE PUPPY!!!
THE LAST ONE HAS A CUTE PUPPY!

 That... that was a thing. But you're going to need to show more than just rote knowledge of a series' canon. Do you have any fresh new ideas for an opinion piece?

TOP TEN BEES!!!

BEES ARE COOL AND THEY DON'T GET ENOUGH RECOGNITION FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO VIDEO GAMES AND WITHOUT BEES IN VIDEO GAMES WE'D ALL BE DEAD!

PORJERAD!THIS TIME TRAVELING SNAPPING TURTLE STOLE MY IDEA!!!

HONORABLE MENTION: BUCK BUMBLE

AS THE ONLY BEE ON THIS LIST OR REALLY POSSIBLY EVER TO BE THE STAR OF HIS OWN GAME, BUCK BUMBLE DESERVES A PLACE ON ANYONE'S TOP TEN BEES LIST EVEN IF THEY ARE A FREAKISH HYBRID BIRDMAN WITH NICE SHIRTS! BUT SINCE I'M JUST GRADING BEES ON THEIR AWESOME BEENESS THAT MEANS BUCK BUMBLE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE IT ONTO THIS LIST! HIS GAME WAS OKAY AT THE TIME BUT IT DEFINITELY HASN'T AGED WELL, AND BUCK BUMBLE HIMSELF COMES FROM AN ERA OF ANIMAL MASCOTS TRYING TOO HARD! IT'S A CLUNKY THIRD-PERSON SHOOTER WHERE YOU CAN FLY FREELY AROUND THE LEVELS ON THE N64 USING N64 CONTROLS! ALSO BUCK BUMBLE JUST LOOKS DUMB!

BICK BIMBLE!
APPARENTLY THERE IS A BEE PICTURED SOMEWHERE ON THE BOX ART ABOVE!

#10. ANIMAL CROSSING BEES!

THESE BEES KIND OF SUCK BECAUSE THEY'RE HARD TO CATCH AND THEY ALWAYS STING ME AND IT MAKES ME MAD BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHICH TREES THEY'RE GOING TO COME OUT OF AND I JUST WANT TO CATCH ONE TO PUT IN MY MUSEUM AND THEN THEY ALL STING ME AND FLY AWAY AND I CAN'T FIND ANY MORE BEES AND IT TAKES LITERAL WEEKS BEFORE I CAN CATCH A FUCKING BEE AND GIVE IT TO A FUCKING OWL!!! I LOVE ANIMAL CROSSING!

DISFIGURING INCIDENT INCITES FAMILY FUN!
THERE IS NO OTHER IN-GAME PENALTY APART FROM LOOKING LIKE YOU HAVE A SHAVED TESTICLE ON YOUR FACE BUT THE ANGER AND FRUSTRATION YOU FEEL AFTER YOUR FIFTIETH FAILED ATTEMPT TO CATCH THESE FUCKING BEES IS PALPABLE AND REAL AND IT IS VERY MUCH A REAL LIFE PENALTY AS IT LEADS YOU DOWN A DARK SPIRALING ABYSS OF HOPELESSNESS AND PROBABLY INEVITABLY A GRISLY MURDER-SUICIDE!!!

#9. JERRY SEINFELD

THIS IS GOOD BECAUSE IT REMINDS US THAT JERRY SEINFELD ISN'T FUNNY ANY MORE!


REMEMBER THE TIME KRAMER ADOPTED A STRETCH OF HIGHWAY AND PAINTED OUT THE LINES SO SUDDENLY PEOPLE HAD WIDER LANES AND NOBODY THOUGHT THIS WAS A BAD IDEA BUT THEN IT OF COURSE CAUSED PROBLEMS!? TV PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!

#8. DONKEY KONG COUNTRY BEES

REMEMBER THOSE GAMES? THEY'RE FUN!

SO MANY INNOCENT LIVES!!!
OH LOOK A BIG ASS BEE!

#7. SOME BEE LADY FROM DARKSTALKERS

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS IS BUT SHE LOOKS COOL! 

WHY IS SHE NEVER IN MARVEL VS. CAPCOM!?
I NEVER PLAYED DARKSTALKERS BUT IT ALWAYS LOOKED FUN AND ALSO IF THEY HAD PUT THE BIG BEE BUTT LOWER ON HER HUMAN BUTT IT WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE A SLOWLY EXPANDING SACK OF LITERAL SHIT!

#6. KING BEE FROM CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY

HE'S A HORNY PERV AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BAKED! MY KIND OF BEE!

BAKED BEE ON TOAST!
HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AM I RIGHT FELLOW HUMANS!?

#5. QUEEN BEE FROM CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY

THIS BITCH GETS SHIT DONE! I MEAN AFTER BITCHING AND MOANING FOR A LONG ASS TIME, BUT EVENTUALLY SHE MOWS FOREIGNERS DOWN WITH A MOUNTED TURRET LIKE THE LAST RAMBO MOVIE WHICH TOOK MY FRIEND KEVIN IN A TRAGIC DRINKING GAME ACCIDENT AND SUBSEQUENT HIDDEN BODY MYSTERY GAME THAT IS STILL BEING PLAYED TO THIS DAY!

QUEEN BEE QUEEFS BEEF!
LADY I THINK YOUR EYES VOMITED!

#4. BEE BLADER FROM MEGA MAN X

BEE BLADER IS BOTH A ROBOT BEE AND A HELICOPTER AT THE SAME TIME SO IT KICKS ALL ASSES!

BEEBLADERBEATSBUBBLEBATHBITCHESBETTERBAKED!!!
THIS IS BOTH A HELICOPTER AND A ROBOT BEE AT THE SAME TIME SO IT'S FUCKING AWESOMEST!

#3. IRON MAN'S BEE BULLETS?

THIS PICTURE CAME UP WHEN I DID A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR VIDEO GAME BEES SO I GUESS HE'S LIKE SHOOTING THE BEES SO HARD THEY EXPLODE ON CONTACT OR SOMETHING!? IRON MAN IS COOL SO IF HE SHOOTS BEES THAT'S GOTTA BE PRETTY COOL TOO!

IRAN MON!
THE MOST EXPENSIVE SOBRIETY PROGRAM EVER BUT IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING OUT FOR MR. JR.!

#2. THIS BEE WHAT YOU RIDE IN SOME GAME CALLED JOURNEY 2: BEE KINGDOM OR BEE PATROL OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

I NEVER PLAYED WHATEVER THIS IS FROM BUT I DO LIKE THE IDEA OF RIDING A BEE SO THIS IS GOOD STUFF! BUT IF THESE BIG BEES FLY ANYTHING LIKE THE SMALLER BUMBLEFUCKS THEN ANYONE RIDING THEM IS GOING TO AT BEST GET SERIOUS WHIPLASH AND AT WORST GET FLUNG OFF AND FALL TO THEIR DEATH! EITHER WAY I SUPPORT THIS IDEA AND WISH TO SEE THIS IDEA IMPLEMENTED IN A GAME I'LL ACTUALLY PLAY!

RIDING A BEE! I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT!
I HOPE THAT IN THE FUTURE THIS IS THE NEW THING DRUNK LADIES DO AT BACHELORETTE PARTIES!

#1. QUEEN BEE FROM SUPER MARIO GALAXY

WITHIN SECONDS UPON MEETING HER SHE ASKS YOU TO FONDLE HER BODY AND POKE AROUND IN HER FUZZY PUSSY! A+ FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT!

 FUZZ BUZZ!
WHY IS THE BEE IN THE CORNER CARRYING A BUCKET OF PISS!? WHAT KIND OF FREAKY SHIT IS THIS BITCH INTO!? OH IT'S HONEY!

#0. THE MY GIRL VIDEO GAME BEES

REMEMBER THE MOVIE MY GIRL!? NOW YOU CAN PLAY IT! AND IT HAS BEES! BEES THAT MALICIOUSLY MURDER A CHILD OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER! A FEEL GOOD ROMP FOR ALL AGES!

A GAME WHERE YOU SET UP TRAPS AROUND YOUR HOME TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM A SWARM OF BURGLARING BEES! GET ON IT EDMUND MCMILLEN!
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS KID IN REAL LIFE LATELY!? THE CHARACTER HE PLAYED IN THE MOVIE GOT OFF RELATIVELY EASY!

#-1. WARIO LAND BEES

WHEN THE BEES STAB WARIO'S FACE WITH THEIR MASSIVE SPEAR DICKS HIS FACE PUFFS UP ALL FUNNY LIKE AND THEN HE FLOATS AROUND BECAUSE IT IS COMMONLY KNOWN THAT BEES INJECT HELIUM INTO THEIR VICTIMS! THEN WARIO MUST AVOID BEING STABBED A SECOND TIME BECAUSE THAT TIME THEY SUCK THE HELIUM BACK OUT AND WARIO FALLS AND HE NEEDS TO FLOAT TO REACH NEW AREAS OR FACE FOREVER AS A BILLIONAIRE WITH HIS OWN SUCCESSFUL VIDEO GAME COMPANY AND PILES AND PILES AND PILES OF TREASURE INSTEAD OF THE TRILLIONAIRE HE KNOWS HE CAN BE! WARIO TEACHES US TO ALWAYS REACH FOR OUR DREAMS NO MATTER HOW LEGALLY AND ETHICALLY DUBIOUS OUR METHODS! 

HEE HEE HEE HEE I LOVE THIS!
HA HA HA HA HA IT WINS BECAUSE IT LOOKS FUNNY!

SO SUCK ON THAT YOU SUCCULENT TITFISTER!

You certainly showed me. Good job. Come on, buddy, that's enough for tonight. You should give these poor people a break. (Sorry again, everyone!)

OKAY! YOU KNOW EVEN IF THE MIGHTY DESTRUCTOID EDITOR BOT IS A STUPID IDIOT AND DOESN'T HIRE ME TO BE THE SURPREME RULER OF ALL THINGS DESTRUCTOID I'M STILL HAPPY I TRIED BECAUSE THAT'S BETTER THAN NOT TRYING AND INSTEAD SUCKING YOUR OWN DICK BECAUSE IT'S SO BIG THAT IT EASILY REACHES YOUR MOUTH!

Yeah, man, totally. Stop typing now, please.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP BEING A FLACCID DONGSOCK AND WRITE SOMETHING YOURSELF!? YOU HAVE ALL THESE IDEAS BUT YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING WITH THEM AND ITS A SHAME TO THINK THESE IDEAS ARE GOING TO WASTE EVEN IF THEY ALL WIND UP BEING REALLY STUPID IDEAS THAT NOBODY IS GOING TO LIKE AND PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU AS THE GUY WITH THE REALLY IDIOTIC IDEAS THAT ONLY DUMB MORONS HAVE! JUST BECAUSE THAT'S THE MOST LIKELY OUTCOME DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T TRY DESPERATELY TO CLAW AT THE WALLS OF FATE IN HOPES OF REACHING A PATH TO A LIFE ACTUALLY SORT OF WORTH LIVING! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE BESIDES THE LAST REMAINING TATTERED SHRED OF YOUR WILL TO LIVE!?

... Great peptalk, buddy. Say goodnight.

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

- I shit my pants on Christmas once.


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About MechaSlinkyone of us since 12:59 AM on 02.24.2013

Sometimes I write shit, sometimes I play games, sometimes I make games, sometimes I write shit about playing and making games, and sometimes I play games I make and then write them off as shit.