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Hire Me, Daddy Niero


Look, I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. I ain't gonna pussyfoot, walk on eggshells, flamenco on olives here, I'm gonna get straight to the point.

I know you're hiring right now, papa Niero. And I want in on the cheese.

I wanna bring this site out into the stratosphere, right to the stars. I've sent you an email. All you gotta do is make the call. 555-FATCITY.org. That's the way the ships going down, and I wanna be on it.

I've got all kinds of ideas. They never stop flowing in. Ready for a stream of consciousness flow? Here it is. Sega Forever more like Smegma Forever. And that's just one joke, right off the tip top of the noggin'. Didn't even flinch or burst a blood vessel or anything while thinking of that. Let's talk about Sonic. Sonic? More like Shmonmic.

And we won't stop at video games, oh no. I got big plans. Movie franchise. Here's a winner for you.

The first Destructoid movie. Camera zooms down into a city. That city is New York. John Jacobs is a high priced attorney. And when he goes out with his friends after winning "THE BIG CASE", him and his associate high five each other. They hold hands and kiss like friends usually do, and then depart. John goes home, gets into bed. He goes to touch himself and slaps his hands on the face like Mcauly Caulkin from Home Alone 2, and screams; he realizes in that moment that he has switched dicks with his associate. I call it Phreaky Friday 2: Dickswitch.

Here's another one, needs a bit of work. A psychological piece like Donnie Darko. A man nearly kills two of his friends. Things seem fine until he becomes "out of sync" with time. He realizes that his friends were supposed to die, and now he has to travel back through time by talking to his sick father over the phone (it's a time paradox) and go and try to make the past right again...by switching dicks with them. I call it "Countercockwise." It's a bit art house.

All I'm saying my main man, is that I've been writing for you for awhile. All of it good. Never a dull moment. My masterclass in writing was a piece about Bubsy and buttholes. But I've got a lot of raw talent and energy waiting to come out. And I want Destructoid to slowly stroke it out of me until it emerges in a nice strong geyser of creativity.

I know there is at least four people who like me. Two of them aren't my parents. And I want you to recognize that I'm ready to go for you.

And honestly I'm starving. Even like ten bucks, then I could buy a sandwich. My kids are sucking the life out of me. My wife has me locked in the basement pushing a crank that powers our oven. All I get is pickled herring. If anyone is reading this please send he

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About Joel Petersonone of us since 8:14 AM on 11.07.2013

I write the things other people don't write, with liberal fart jokes thrown in for good measure. I like old games, old computers, old consoles, and old pizza.

Here are some blogs what I done did and were promoted to the front page.

Location: The Cold And The Beautiful

The Great Quest of Stupid

Fathers Day

I Have No VR And I Must Scream