LONG BLOG
Struggling Against Fate
Note: This is more of a personal blog and not gaming-related at all. I know some people really hate positivity and optimism, but I still wanted to share this and talk a bit about myself and so I did! I hope that not only can I give you a little bit of insight into myself, but also that I might be able to motivate some of you with this. I love you all. <3
Whether you believe in fate or not, there is certainly something that shapes our lives. Something that brings us all together but also keeps putting things in the way for us, something that is responsible for a lot of pain and misery in our lives. No matter what you do, no matter how much you try, there always seem to be those things and for some, it might seem at times like the struggle isn't worth it, like it's all for nothing.
We all have problems in our life. Sometimes they're really big, sometimes really small. Maybe you feel like you're all alone, maybe you're having trouble with work or certain people around you make you feel worse. Maybe you're depressed or you feel like you don't fit into a place that you would like to fit in. It's those small and big problems that govern our life and, ultimately, their impact might be just as strong or even a lot stronger than any of the actual good moments that we have.
Let me tell you a bit about myself.
A lot of you who have seen me around would probably see me more as a happy-go-lucky type of guy. Someone who's rarely ever in anything else but a good mood, someone who does his thing and is just happy with himself and the world around him. A very positive and optimistic guy without any actual problems. If you know me a bit in private you have probably seen the other side of me as well, but at least for the people on here I could imagine that that's how I come off, considering I rarely ever let out anything negative.
As you might have guessed though, that's not quite the truth. For the past 3-4 years I have been in an apprenticeship at a company that, quite frankly, has destroyed a lot of the self-esteem that I used to have before I joined in there. A lot of that comes down to my superior who loves and always loved to complain about practically anything the apprentices do and he got to me a huge amount because I've been (and still kinda am) quite slow with my work and he didn't exactly motivate me to get better with all that. Luckily, I have gained back a lot of the confidence I've had since then, even if I still have to endure him.
That's all well and fine, but all this has caused something in me that I hesitate to call depression, but I'm pretty sure it's something along those lines. This year in particular has been quite good at enhancing whatever it is they caused in me, because there has been a LOT of stuff that has weighed down on me. For a lot of the first part of the year I was really stressed about certain exams that we have in the middle of our apprenticeship, which determine whether you get to continue or not. They always told me I wouldn't make it and so both my motivation and my school grades got kinda run into the ground at the time.
In addition to the stress of that, I also ended up falling in love. It seemed like a good thing at first, but a few months later it turned out that I had fallen in love with a demon and as a result of all that I lost a lot of friends, one of them having been one of my best friends ever and one of two people who had been with me for a really long time. A lot of it was my fault - I acted absolutely terrible towards especially that certain friend and it was all out of some stupid desire to turn the one I had fallen in love with into the good person that I was seeing in her before. If there's one point where I ever wanted the ability to turn back time and redo my decisions, it's this one. Losing that friend is one of the biggest regrets I have in my life and it has definitely made a big impact on my general mood.
Life's a constant lesson and this has shown me to watch out for signs of that. To be more careful.
At this point I can't really say I'm "over" it, but I'm keeping up. Nowadays it's especially work that gets to me, especially recently, because my superior has upped his asshole rate by 100 times. For the past two weeks I also basically had to work hours upon hours at night after work, just to get stuff for school done. I have a week of holidays now though, so yay!
Now, I realize that what I'm telling you might seem a lot like whining about little things. Maybe it is and really, I wouldn't fault you for thinking like that. A lot of you likely have it worse than I do, a lot of you are adults and have a whole other world of problems that I can't even imagine yet. The biggest reason that I told you all this about me is really mostly one: Because I want you to fight on.
It's very easy to lose sight of the good things in your life when a lot of bad things happen to you. I know it from myself and I know it from others. Just like shadows and darkness can easily cover up the light of the sun, bad things can very easily cancel out any good feelings that you might have.
I have a lot of awesome things in my life outside of work. I have the two cuties that I regard as my best friends and usually play Overwatch with almost every day, I have wonderful people like Juice, Malika, Torch, Carp, Blaze and so many others on here and in other places. There are a lot of people here as well that I might not interact with too much, but that still manage to lighten up my day with what they do and just that they're here. All those things are the light in my life that keeps away the darkness that the work side of my life tends to send out. Even then though, the fact that I still feel really damn lonely at times when there are so many people around me that should negate that is a big proof as to how much bad feelings can cancel all that out.
If you're also feeling like that at times... try to look around. Look around you, think of what you do have and try to remember how much you have that is for you rather than against you. It's easy to feel hated, unwanted and alone, but you know deep inside that there are people who care about you, that you have a lot of good things with you that you might just not be noticing at that time.
Despite all of those negative things weighing me down, I have always been a fighting soul. I believe there's always something worth living for and no matter how much gets in my way, I'm gonna either carry it until it drops or I'm just gonna punch right through it. There are always roadblocks in our way that we can't quite get through, but life goes on and as long as that's the case, there is nothing that I want to let stop me. And you too shouldn't stop. You too have things around you that are worth living for, that are worth going on for. And I know you can do it.
I'm not the strongest person and a lot of us probably aren't. I could have broken down and been a goner long ago, but the fact that I'm still here and fighting towards the future is why I believe, why I KNOW you can do it as well. No matter what gets in your way!
Earlier, I used shadows and darkness as an example for how bad things can cover up the good things in your mind. While that is true, it is also true that the sun's light always returns eventually. No matter how deep the darkness, the sun will always rise again if you're willing to wait for it to come. So fight on towards the future, do your best and get back to the top! I know you can do it and I believe in you all. <3
"Even sadness will someday change into courage."
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