Haydee's Big Disappointing Titties

12:15 PM on 09.29.2016 (server time)0

Look everybody, I love titties. You show me a nipple or two (or three), and I'm going to party in my pants like Prince's reanimated corpse thinks it's Nineteen-ninety-nine. I'm known in some circles as Vadicta the tittie fiend. Some would suggest that I love titties too much. Like the only way I would be proven to love titties less than someone is if that person turned out to be some serial killer who cuts off his victims' breasts and turns them into throw pillows or some shit. But it would still be a close race. That's just how much I love titties.

I just wanted to make that clear before I'm branded an SJW cuck by the universe at large. Here comes the end of my life as a masculine male and begins my new life as a simpering, Leftwing elitest jerk who wants to kill everyone with how unfun and P.C. he is.

But here it goes anyway:

Someone call the P.C. Police!

Haydee disappoints me. It doesn't make me mad or upset. It just makes me feel the same way your parents would feel if they happened to walk in on you ogling Haydee. And it's not even that she has titties. It's just that she has them, but she fails to use them in an interesting way. There is so much potential locked in the crush of Haydee's ample cleavage, and it's all squandered. That makes me sad.

When people are asked to watch a movie about two shapes moving toward one another, they attach personalities to these shapes. This is just the way the human mind works. The brain, in order to understand what we're seeing, in order to sort it into something we're more familiar and comfortable with, humanizes the inanimate. This is a really interesting falacy in our minds that makes us think kids are dumb when they say the trees are trying to grab them--except they actually are and GET OUT OF THE FOREST, NOW!--and it's also what can make us sexually attracted to art, pixles, and polygons. We sort something that seems human into human slots, and that makes us horny. We attach personalities (or personali-titties, in this case) to faceless robots as long as they have things that resemble tits and asses. And that's super intersting. It turns Haydee into a sort of science experiment. So, it's okay kids, when your mom asks you why you installed that nude mod into your sexy android game, you can really tell her it's for science!

What makes me sad is that for all intents and purposes, it seems Haydee is not The Stanley Parable of titties. It doesn't use its minimalist sex bot to teach people about how odd and interesting it is that we're attracted to a faceless robot with suggestive curves. It doesn't use it for the sake of humorous irony or interesting introspection. It's simply there so the developer can say the game has a sexy female protagonist in the Steam description.

At least it's not going to get into the same false advertising water as No Man's Sky.

This makes me sad. Not because I think titties can't exist for the sake of titties in a video game--it's just that these came so close to being interesting, to saying something about titties in video games. There was potential, and all of it was lost on poor faceless, brainless Haydee. But at least she hot, tho, rite?

And there's the other problem: She's really not that hot. In the world of digitized, video game titties, she's like a six at best. Her minimalist style is interesting, but I think people would take half the cast of Overwatch over her in seconds, and not to mention all the actual porn games she has to compete with along with all the game porn (like for Overwatch) that she has to compete with. I mean, hell, there are PS2-era Soul Calibur characters that make my pants tighter than Haydee could ever dream possible.

And she's not even the sexiest andoid. Give me Ava from Ex Machina any day of the week over Haydee. Poor girl (object? My brain can't tell the difference!) can't catch a break.

That mesh stomach just leaves nothing to the imagination.

In a world where so few sex-focused games actually attempt to attach any themes or ideas to their work, it's a bit sad to see a game so full of possibility fail to realize itself. I guess Catherine will continue to be our gold standard in the game-that-tackles-sexual-themes department--and also our gold standard in the just-being-the-best-game-ever-made department.

Every game can't be Catherine: The only true tragedy in the world.

I didn't say titties nearly as many times as I wanted to in this article. Oh, well. I guess you can't win them all.

Oh, and Bayonetta is a video game character who exists! I mean, shit, Haydee isn't even in the top one hundred. Talk about a flash (as in flashing breasts) in the pan.