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LONG BLOG

Max Applesauce and the Breakfast: Part 3

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Part 1 is here, and 

Part 2 is here!

Written by Richard “CobbleWireFingerHacksawBiscuitFetusPotatoDingoFruityBush” MacDonald

Chapter 3: Chapter 12

    Our titular hero and our heroical tits entered a room so filled with bacon it could literally cause you to drown. The rich, bacony aroma filled every inch of the room. Don’t argue with me. They tested it. With science. The room was literally packed with delicious flavour-smells. I never know if I should spell flavour with a “u” or not, because on the one hand, I’m Canadian, but on the other hand, that “u” is pointless and s.

“I CAN’T WAIT TO SHOVE THAT ENTIRE TABLE IN MY FACE!” Max Applesauce dkljsf.d

“There will be no face-tabling today!” came a voice from somewhere I guess. Then this dude came out from behind this curtain and was all, “Max Applesauce, so good to see you again.”

“JOHN J. EXPLOSIONFACE, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE BEHIND THIS EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE MURDERED BY A HAPPY NARWHALE SOME SORT OF NUMBER OF YEARS AGO!”

“Enough talk,” talked tits with feet. “It’s time for action fight sequence!”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” With a wry smile, John J. Explosionface opened his suit jacket to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest. “Max Applesauce, do you have any idea why I did whatever this is supposed to be?”

“DOUCHE-NOZZLING!”

“So that I could reveal the ultimate truth about your past so shocking that upon learning of it your only choice left in life will be how you kill yourself,” with bonus evil laugh! “You see, the people who you thought were your parents all these years weren’t really your parents. Your real parents... are ME!”

“SHOCKED EXPRESSION!” pyap brap blarp.

“I was your father the whole time. Your mother didn’t want to abort you and I resented her for it. I didn’t want you. Nobody wanted you. You ruined my life and killed my dreams after you were born and I left you and your mother and became a billionaire who owns an international fingerless left glove corporation. To think, what I could have accomplished if it weren’t for you and your insatiable need to exist! That’s why I’ve dedicated my life to doing things at you,” ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

“And I am your real mother,” said the cowboy girl. “Right before I put you up for adoption, I decided to put you up for adoption. Then I packed a glockenspiel and a samurai sword and headed out on a journey for some reason. Coincidentally, I happened upon you earlier today and then we fought our way to this delicious gourmet breakfast, where we found your father and arch-nemesis, John J. Explosionface, who explained to you that he never wanted you, left us to become a captain of industry, and something else I don’t know what it is because I zoned out for a minute there. Immediately after that, I revealed that I am your mother and explained my tragic tale up to this point, which is now.”

“NOW WE CAN ALL BE A HAPPY FAMILY AGAIN!” Max Applesauce ching chong bing bonged.

“We can never be any of those things, you fool!” said John J. Explosionface. “I must put a stop to you. You were a horrible, evil mistake, and if I only had an extra clothes hanger lying around all those years ago... Oh, but I couldn’t, you see. Not with all the hangers being used to hang shirts. What was I to do, throw one of the shirts on the bed? That’s madness!”

“BUT I WANT THE WARM EMBRACE OF LOVE FROM A FAMILY AND THE HAPPY CHILDHOOD I NEVER HAD! I MEAN, I GOT THAT FROM MY FAKE FAMILY, BUT NOW THAT I KNOW THEY NEVER EXISTED, MY ENTIRE LIFE NEVER HAPPENED YET, SO I’M STILL JUST A BABY AND I DON’T WANT TO BE A BABY! I WANT TO BE A MAN! ALSO, EVIL!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?” Max Applesauce queried. Fuck you, Google Docs, that’s a word!

“Your are Hellspawn! Your mother is a goat!”

“A G-G-G-G-GOAT!?”

Cut to Max Applesauce’s mom, now a goat wearing a cowboy costume.

“I had sexy fun with your goat-mom and then you were born, which means you’re made out of Satan!”

“SATAN!? I HATE THAT GUY!”

“I know! Me too!”

“WHAT DO WE DO, DAD!?”

“You foolish foolhardy fooly cooly fool!” John J. Explosionface voicebarfed. “I’m not your dad! It turns out your dad was a brick!”

“EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!” exclaimed Max Applesauce exclaimedly!

“And you had a brother who was a Chia Pet, but he died in a sports-related riot after a team won or lost something. Never would’ve happened if it weren’t for video games. Don’t you see? The prophecy has been fulfilled. The Day of Rakening is upon us!”

This is the part where giant rakes come down from the sky and start fucking shit up.

“WHAT DO WE DO!?”

“Eat this bacon! I think it’s magic!”

“I ALREADY DID!”

“Now do something!”

“I ALREADY DID!”

Then the rakes went away and everyone cheered and now there’s a parade for Max Applesauce and John J. Explosionface and also Max Applesauce’s goat-mom, who I have named Leslie P. Fruityboots. They were all friends forever.

Also, “THE ONE WITH THE BOOBIES!” because I didn’t want to leave you hanging. Cliffhanging, specifically. I’d leave you hanging by your neck because you’re an ungrateful prick and nobody likes you. We get together all the time and talk about how we hate you and wish you would die. We laugh and tell stories and sing songs and you are never invited because you’re so unloved. I hope this hurts to hear. I hope this is the most pain you’ve ever experienced in your whole life. Then I hope I can top that pain as I drain all your blood out through your eye sockets.


The end: true of false?

- I shit my pants on Christmas once.


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About MechaSlinkyone of us since 12:59 AM on 02.24.2013

Sometimes I write shit, sometimes I play games, sometimes I make games, sometimes I write shit about playing and making games, and sometimes I play games I make and then write them off as shit.