Written by Richard "MegaSlonky" MacDonald
Chapter 1: Bacon is Better Than You’ll Ever Be
As Max Applesauce, our enigmatic hero who once punctured the lung of a man through just sheer force of will, rode into the dusty town on a dusty horse named Rusty, the smell of bacon filled his mega-man nostrils. I thought about typing Mega Man nostrils, as if he stole Mega Man’s nostrils, but Mega Man fights for justice and Max Applesauce is a friend of justice. Plus, Max Applesauce needs no special nostrils, for no nostrils are as special as his nostrils, which once punctured the lung of a man through sheer force of whale. That is a long and epic tale for another day. A day like any other day, except this day has special powers. It also comes with a free muffin! It’s a delicious day indeed.
Today is not that day, so you shut up or I’ll turn the internet around right here and go home! Bacon! Right. Okay, so bacon happened and Max Applesauce was hungry or something.
“I HAVEN’T EATEN IN A FARTNIGHT!” Max Applesauce exclaimed with enough gusto to abort a fetus. “THERE MUST BE A BED AND BREAKFAST INNERY AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE SOMEHOW!”
Max Applesauce literally exploded off his horse, propelling his manly muscled physique through the air, performing a triple lutz and a quadruple other skating term here and impressing all the judges so much I’m bored of this sentence now. Also, the horse was perfectly fine, because otherwise this story would be sad.
Max Applesauce landed with perfect form in front of the town’s inn, shrieking wildly. “I WANT TO RENT A ROOM AND EAT A BACON FEAST!!!” he audiblized.
The door swung open and a small elderly woman stepped outside. She glared at Max Applesauce for a moment, and Max Applesauce simply stared back at her, waiting for whatever was about to happen to happen. A minute passed, then two, then three. You’d think four would be next, but I guess we’ll never know, Emperor Bippy Von Impatience! Seriously, what’s with you? It’s like you don’t want to enjoy anything! All you do is bitch and moan about how everything you witness isn’t good enough for your ridiculously high standards! I hate you... I hate you so much...
“We don’t serve your kind here,” the little old lady stated.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT STATEMENT TINY HUMAN!?” Max Applesauce asked.
“I mean that you, being of a kind that we refuse service to, are not allowed entry into our establishment where we enjoy hearty breakfast meats and delicious fruit juices,” she replied.
“I FIGHT FOR JUICE TASTE!!!” bellowed the inexorable Max Applesauce, delivering a swift jump-kick to the general area of the old lady.
With the speed of Episode 2 Yoda, the little old lady slipped out of the way and began hopping around all crazy-like and swinging her tiny prune fists. Literally, her fists were prunes. It was totally fucked, man.
“This is the only juice taste you’ll be receiving today, you bumbleheaded nincomtard!” the old lady audiblated as her prune fists pounded Max Applesauce’s meat hull.
“THIS IS NOT A TASTE I ENJOY!” Max Applesauce squealed.
With time running out for some reason, Max Applesauce was at a loss for how to defeat the dastardliest of foes he had ever faced at this particular juncture in time, unless you consider the possibility of multiple universes, which I haven’t. It was just as Max Applesauce was reaching the breaking point, whatever that means, that a gunshot rang out through the dusty air, and the dusty old lady fell to the dusty ground with a dusty thud. Camera pans slowly up the body of a sensual as well as sexy female sidekick wearing generic cowboy crap.
“YOU MUST BE MY INTENDED LOVE INTEREST WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY AND STRONG BUT IS ACTUALLY JUST REALLY ANNOYING AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY MAKES THE AUDIENCE WANT YOU STAB YOU!” Max Applesauce audiblerped.
“MY COCK WOULD DECIMATE YOU!!!” screeched Max Applesauce. “BESIDES, MY HEART BELONGS TO A UNICORN!”
“The real question is let’s go get us some breakfast!” the mysterious cowboy lady said.
With that, the two heroes began to walk dramatically towards the door to the inn while epic music played, signifying that things are about to get real!
To be continued...