As Max Applesauce sat at his desk with a crazed smile on his face like a man possessed, hungering for the taste of young, fresh virgin flesh and the acrid, coppery taste of blood, his new partner in his private detective agency, Festus T. Nipplefist, poured over various case documents.
"There has got to be a link between these murders," Festus muttered.
"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT!" Max Applesauce bellowed, his voice like creamy, chocolaty thunder sex! "WE MUST PURCHASE A CLOCK RADIO!"
"But we already have eighteen-"
"IT'S SO WE DON'T OVERSLEEP!" Max Applesauce exclaimed with the power to spay an ox! "TO THE CAR-MOBILE!"
Max Applesauce punched through the window and gradually slipped out, sliding down the side of the building like a slowly melting turd. As Max Applesauce reached his horseless carriage, he spotted something beautiful out of the corner of his eye, like an effervescent unicorn, white as a ghost covered in snow, and just as shiny and sparkly and pretty. YAY! Also, it actually was a unicorn. THIS WAS AN UNEXPECTED TWIST!!!
"WHAT'S UP!?" Max Applesauce shrieked.
The unicorn trotted over to Max Applesauce and said, "Oh, Mr. Max Applesauce, you must help me with your giant meat brain to solve a mystery most foul."
"Uh, yes. I'm afraid I don't have much money to offer you, but surely we can work out some arrangement," the unicorn uttered seductively, giving Max Applesauce a sideways come-hither glance.
With the force of a thousand dying suns, but in reverse, Max Applesauce's pants exploded off in a fiery hellblast, as thin strips of denim and a scorching hot belt buckle ripped through cars and people in a bloody, gory display of something that is happening that I just described to you so pay attention! Max Applesauce and the unicorn writhed and moaned in the middle of the street, oblivious to the world around them. Their bestial passion, sweaty and loud, permeated throughout the nearby city streets, causing beautiful grass, flowers and trees to violently burst forth from the ground, destroying buildings and killing people in the process, because that's what happens when you fuck unicorns! Don't fuck unicorns in cities!
Suddenly, the unicorn began to feel ill. She collapsed in a heap, groaning in agony.
"Oh no, Captain Admiral Doctor Max Applesauce, it seems I have the cancer!"
"YOU CAN'T DIE POINTY HORSE! I LOVE YOU FOREVER!"
"I'm sorry," the unicorn whispered weakly, before her eyes softly closed and all remaining traces of life left her body.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!" Max Applesauce screamed at the top of lungs! "MY RADIOACTIVE BALLS HAVE KILLED AGAIN!"