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LONG BLOG

Max Applesauce and the Murderous and Mysterious Murder Mystery of Mystery Murder

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  It was a hot and balmy day in lower middle downtown, and Max Applesauce was busy doing Max Applesauce things. He also had a delicious hot dog. Hot dogs are a good source of calcium and nitrochloride, you know. Max Applesauce eats a lot of hot dogs. It makes him beefy. He is able to freely kick over goats at will.

  As Max Applesauce strolled merrily down the busy city street, a shot rang out. He wasn't walking in the middle of the street. He was walking on the sidewalk. Anyway, he heard the shot with one or maybe both of his ears and turned in the general direction. Then he heard a scream.

  "Oh my God, he's been shot!" screamed either dog shit smeared on a burlap sack or an ungodly hideous woman.

  Max Applesauce darted across the street towards the scene of the crime. A man lie on the sidewalk in a pool of blood, but Max Applesauce could not see who it was through the throngs of people fleeing from the vicinity. When Max Applesauce finally arrived at the body, it was too late. He had already been shot. Not a second time. Just once.

  Max Applesauce knelt down beside the man, scooping him up into his arms. "IT’S OKAY! I’VE GOT YOU!" Max Applesauce calmly shrieked. The man said nothing as he stared up at Max Applesauce.

  In a flash, Max Applesauce was bounding over people and cars in a valiant effort to get to the hospital. Which he eventually did. However, before Max Applesauce could walk through the doors, the man grabbed his shirt and whispered into his earhole.

  "John... J... Ex..."

  With one final gasp, the man died in Max Applesauce big man arms.

  "Well well well, what do we have here?" came a voice not at all familiar to Max Applesauce.

  Max Applesauce turned around to see a short black man wearing a black suit and some kind of dark hair on the top of his head. The suit was like a business suit or something, not like a gorilla suit or anything silly like that.

  "THIS MAN HAS BEEN SHOT!" Max Applesauce called out.

  "By you?" asked the man.

  Max Applesauce blinked. "NO BY SOMEONE ELSE WHO ISN’T ME!"

  "I am Detective Harmond Q. Zyboat, and you're going to have to accompany me to the station. The police station!" With that, the young detective reached out his hand to take Max Applesauce's hand, which caused him to drop the corpse. The two men walked hand in hand down the street to the police station.

  "I'M INNOCENT!" exclaimed Max Applesauce.

  "That's what they all say. Especially the innocent ones!"

  "BUT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME! I WAS TAKING HIM TO THE HOSPITAL! WHY WOULD I SHOOT HIM AND THEN CARRY HIS CORPSE TO THE HOSPITAL WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOMEONE IN THE HOSPITAL PAID ME TO DELIVER A CORPSE WHICH SEEMS LIKE AN ODD THING TO ORDER FROM SOMEONE WHEN YOU WORK IN A BUILDING WITH A MORGUE!"

  "Because," shot back the hotshot detective, "you want it look like you didn't shoot him by pretending to try to help him after you shot him for reasons unbeknownst to mankind!"

  "OOOH YOU’RE GOOD!" The dynamic Max Applesauce suddenly ripped his hand away from the police guy and ran through the police door out onto the police street. "BUT I’M QUICKER!"

  The brassy Detective Zyboat gave chase to the incredible Max Applesauce in a chase right off this page and into your heart! As Max Applesauce ran through the winding city streets towards the city harbour, Detective Zyboat kept pace with him, yelling for him to stop and be under arrest. But the wild detective was not expecting to crash into a bunch of cardboard boxes with a fruit stand hiding behind them and two guys carrying a big plate of glass right behind the fruit stand! Max Applesauce successfully escaped.

  When Max Applesauce reached the harbour, he jump kicked onto a boat, yelling, "FOLLOW THAT CAB!”

  The old briny sea captain turned to him, a fire in his eyes and a song in his heart and a worm in his lower intestines, and said with a wry smile, "Yarrrr, I be Captain Arthur McCuntpunch, and if ye be wantin' ta go ta Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte, I be the right vessel and me ship be the finest captain fer ye to be selecting at this particular junction in time! Har."

  "SOUNDS GOOD!" Max Applesauce said with a chipper attitude that made all the ladies swoon.

  As Max Applesauce and Captain Arthur McCuntpunch and the boat they were on sailed across the mighty seas towards Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte, the salty sea captain regailed the fucktastical Max Applesauce. Regailed him with tales. Tales of the seas!

  "Yarr, there we were, surrounded on all sides by scallywag landlubbers all a-brewin' fer a beatin'. Had to be at least thirty men, and me and me crew were narry more than a half dozen. Suddenly, a rape-mule jumped out of the trees, yellin', 'GYAH I'M A RAPE-MULE!' And that's how I met yer mother, wee lassie," said the captain as he brushed a tear from his crusty blue eye and reached for his bottle of finely aged rum.

  Without warning, Max Applesauce leapt to his feet. "UH OH! LOOK IT’S THE POLICE IN A FANCY ACTION POLICE BOAT! THEY’RE CLOSING IN FAST FROM THE WICKY WICKY WICKY WILD WILD WEST!” he expressed through the production of audible sequences of concatenated sounds of a language.

  "PULL OVER TO THE SIDE OF THE OCEAN AND GET OUT OF THE BOAT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!" screeched a shrill voice into the big talkie loudie horn on the police boat.

  "Arrr a-har har har har harrr!" laughed Captain McCuntpunch, "I've got more than a few tricks up me sleeve. Like three more! Never fear, young whippersnapper. It may not look it, but me ship is just as fine a swimmer under the water as it is on top."

  With a wink and a nod, the captain lifted a large sledgehammer over his head and swung it straight down into the deck of the ship. Water began to rush into the boat as the captain furiously smashed chunks of the floor into Oblivion, featuring the voice of Patrick Stewart.

  "HEY, FRUITCUPS! I SAYS TO PULL THAT SHIT OVER, YO! WE IS THE POLICE AND WE BE GETTIN' SICK OF YO' MALARKY UP IN HERE!" said that voice thing.

  "Eat barnacles, ye saltblublublublublublublub," the captain retorted as the ship dove deep into the depths of deeply depth-filled waters.

  "OH SHIT, SON! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!? THE BOAT TOTALLY VANISHED LIKE A HAPPY NARWHALE!"

  "YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK INTO THE MEGAPHONE. I'M STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, DIPSHIT."

  Max Applesauce, while quite amazing, was not capable of breathing underwater. He tried desperately to jump kick the oxygen away from the hydrogen so that he could put it in his lungs, but this was beyond even the crumbelievable Max Applesauce. Before anyone, including me, even knew it, Max Applesauce was unconscious and wet.

  Max Applesauce suddenly felt a small kick to the side of his head. As he opened his eyes, his pupils desperately trying to adjust to the intense sunlight pouring down on his face, he could see a dark figure looming over him.

  "Welcome, Max Applesauce," said the figure, "Welcome to Zombie Vampire Witch Ghost Island of Skulls de la Muerte. Or Z.V.W.Gism, as the kids like to call it."

  The figure raised a stick or something and hit Max Applesauce in the face with it. Everything went black. Well, not like everything in the world. Just, you know, for Max Applesauce, everything went black. Because he was knocked unconscious. Everything stayed the same otherwise. Don’t worry! It’s okay!

  Max Applesauce began to stir as a sharp pain washed over him, followed by a dull throbbing in the top of his head. He opened his eyes and tried to bring a hand up to his eyes, but they were bound by something.

  "Sorry about that, old chap, but I had to knock you out so I could bring you to my mansion without any trouble or punches to my groin," came a voice from the dark figure. He was sitting at the far end of a long dining table in a dimly lit but nicely decorated room that smelled a bit like strawberries.

  "HEY I GOT THOSE CRUSTY EYE BOOGER THINGS AND THEY’RE DRIVING ME NUTS!” Max Applesauce replied.

  "Oh, sure thing." The man stood up from his chair and made his way around to Max Applesauce. As he stepped into the light, Max Applesauce saw his face for the first time since the beginning of the story.

  "JOHN J. EXPLOSIONFACE!" Max Applesauce exclaimed.

  "Yeah, hey. Hold on, let me just undo this," John J. Explosionface said as his untied Max Applesauce's right hand.

  Max Applesauce brought the freed hand up to his eyes and wiped the gunk from them. He wiped his hand on his pants and then laid it back on the arm rest of the chair. John J. Explosionface retied the rope around the arm rest and Max Applesauce's wrist.

  "Is that good?" he asked.

  "IT WAS A LITTLE TIGHTER BEFORE I THINK!" Max Applesauce replied loudly. ...Reploudly?

  "How about now?"

  "YEAH THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT!"

  "Cool." John J. Explosionface quickly turned and headed back down to the far end of the table.

  "WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE!?" Max Applesauce, uh... asked.

  "Hold on! Let me sit down and get ready."

  "SORRY!"

  John J. Explosionface sat down in his chair at the other end of the table. "Alright. Alright, I'm good."

  "OKAY! WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE!?"

  John J. Explosionface shot to his feet. "I brought you here, Mr. Max Applesauce, because you have gotten dangerously close to discovering my plan, which I will divulge to you now. You see, you weren't the one who shot that man in the city."

  Max Applesauce was shocked. "I WASN’T!?"

  "No," John J. Explosionface stated as a gleeful smile began to emerge. "In fact, you had nothing to do with it. You see, I planted the bullet at a high velocity in the man's body to frame you. Of course, being the compassionate son of a bitch you are, you gladly scooped the man up and carried him to the hospital. But little did you realize that the bullet was causing him to bleed to death too fast for you to get to the hospital in time to let the doctors make the bullet stop making him bleed to death! Just as I had planned, the man died right outside the hospital, where I had a friend waiting for you."

  "YOU DON’T MEAN...!"

  "SHUT UP!"

  Just then, and not at any other time, Detective Zyboat emerged from the shadows. "That's right, Max Applesauce. Me. You see, I knew you were innocent. But I'm a crooked cop and John J. Explosionface was paying me to arrest you for the murder of that man who died! Of murder!"

  "Unfortunately," John J. Explosionface interrupted, "Detective Zyboat here didn't count on you pulling your arm away and then running. He had his police buddies chase you once you got on that boat, but you somehow managed to slip away once again. When I found your body washed up on shore this morning as I was taking my daily naked frolic, I knew I had to act fast. I quickly gave you what I like to call an 'Elephant Mask'."

  John J. Explosionface gestured towards the opposite end of the table, where a picture was lying in front of Max Applesauce. He looked down and saw John J. Explosionface's explosionpenis sitting atop Max Applesauce's appleface, a testicle on each eye and the shaft of the penis laying down the bridge of his nose.

  "Anyway, blah blah blah, and now you're here. But, what to do with you," John J. Explosionface wondered out loud.

  Detective Zyboat pulled out a gun, aiming it at Max Applesauce. "I say we shoot him." Zyboat suddenly heard the click of a revolver as the cold metal pressed up against the back of his skull.

  "Perhaps, detective. But we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for your incompetence," John J. Explosionface whispered into Zyboat's ear.

  "But, I-"

  "Goodbye," John J. Explosionface coldly uttered as his finger pulled the trigger. As the shot rang out through the halls of the mansion, Detective Zyboat's lifeless body fell limply to the floor.

  "OH SNAP!" Max Applesauce yelled.

  John J. Explosionface lifted the gun so that it was pointing squarely at Max Applesauce's face. "It's been fun, Max Applesauce, but I'm afraid you've overstayed your welcome."

  Suddenly, a scream erupted just outside the window. "DEUS EX MACHINA!!! YYYYAAAAAARRRRR HARRRR HAR HAR HAR HARRRRRRR!!!"

  The wall exploded with the force of a large and happy narwhale crashing into the mansion's dining room! John J. Explosionface was crushed under the weight of the mammal fish before he could even scream, and Max Applesauce was somehow pushed aside to safety and also the ropes became untied and he got up onto his feet and didn't have any scratches on him. As the dust settled, Captain Arthur McCuntpunch walked up to Max Applesauce.

  "How ye doin', me boy? Hope ye don't mind me crashin' the party. I brought along a date, too, if'n that be alright! Yarrr!"

  The two men laughed and then rode the happy narwhale back to the city, and they were best friends forever. 4 months later, Captain McCuntpunch was hit by a train. Fortunately, it was the Soul Train! Funkalicious, brotha!


  The end.

- I shit my pants on Christmas once.


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About MechaSlinkyone of us since 12:59 AM on 02.24.2013

Sometimes I write shit, sometimes I play games, sometimes I make games, sometimes I write shit about playing and making games, and sometimes I play games I make and then write them off as shit.