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Dalek's Valentine Sex-Tacular: The Women of Sakura Wars


Valentine's Day is a time of year for journos and bloggers alike to be sensitive to the fairer sex. In the middle of a holiday when the ladies are likely to be more active online, a misplaced word, borish sentiment or chauvinistic flourish which would have gone unpunished at any other time of year can backfire badly on the individual or the organisation. 

Thankfully I'm Dalek Sex, and the loyalty of my hordes of female fans is beyond question. I therefore have carte blanche to be utterly foul about my top five Sakura Wars characters whom I imagine to be freaks of the week in the sack.

Note for the uninitiated: If you came into gaming after the Dreamcast era, you may have missed Sakura Wars. Suffice it to say that it's the best turn based wargame slash love simulator about a 1920s light operetta troupe who use their psychic powers to fight demons in steam powered mechs ever.

It takes futa tango

5. Kanna Kirishima

Kanna is the team's close combat specialist, and everyone likes her. Even if you're going for somebody else's end sequence, you know that Kanna would probably be up for a bit of fuckbuddy action on the side.

Kanna likes eating contests and punching things so hard that they explode. She played King Lear in a comedy musical version of King Lear, and if she's not packing a very well taped down willy in those leggings, I'm going to be very disappointed.

She's a biker too. Ooooooh.

4. Li Kohran

Kohran is Chinese, so lazy anime trope law determines she has to have something to do with fireworks. In Sakura Wars, she's the team's techie and artillery expert. She's friendly, she's easy going, she likes to make things blow up, and sometimes she even does so intentionally. She also played Javert when they did Les Mis, proving that the Hanagumi really needs to fire its casting director, Kim Jong-Un style.

The big draw for me, though? Geek glasses. Everybody knows that geek glasses on a girl equals daddy issues, and BELIEVE ME when I say that girls with daddy issues are really, really eager to please in bed. It follows that the bigger the geek glasses the bigger the daddy issues, and... well, look at the size of them. DAT GLASS.

Shota through the heart, and you're to blame

3. Leni Milchstra├če

Sakura Wars 1 featured a token loli called Iris. You couldn't slip her a length, obviously, your relationship was confined to a brother sister type relationship. Is that better or worse? I'm not sure.

The point is that Sakura Wars 2 doubled down on the concept with yet another underaged damaged psycho, only this time they looked like a little BOY instead of a little girl. Say what you like about tropes in mainstream entertainment and how they tacitly encourage tolerance of pedophilia, at least when the Japanese go after this shit they commit to the joke.

I'd like to take a walk in her cherry orchard, but I've a feeling someone's beaten me to it

4. Maria Tachibana

Maria is a Russian woman. Maria participated in the Russian Revolution. Maria reads Dostoyevsky while the other characters are bouncing around squeaking unhelpful things like "Sempai" and "Wai." Maria's mech totes a gatling gun. Maria can shoot bullets out of the air.

Maria could break you in two, and you'd love it.

I wonder if she brings her own equipment? I couldn't possibly speculum.

5. Diana Caprice

If the many disabled friends I have are anything to go by, disabled people are into some FREAKY shit. Well, I say many. Two. And one of them is Stephen Hawking. And he's not really a friend, he's a friend of a friend. And when I say friend, I mean "Happened to be on campus when he was teaching." Still, I've heard that when he was in hospital, him and his wife forced the nurses to watch them shag, so my point still stands.

Diana starts the fourth game in a wheelchair, but regains her ability to walk. Just imagine how dirty a disabled person who then regains their full physical abilities would be. I bet every one of her entryways has an access ramp.

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About Dalek Sexone of us since 3:11 PM on 02.27.2013

Z list internet comic. I have worked on stuff for podcasts like What A Fool Believes, We Are The Lolocaust, The Monday Movie Show and The Gamescast. I named myself while I was blogging for Tachyon TV. There is a Dr. Who character called "Dalek Sec," only I made it a penis joke. Witty.

I have a Youtube channel where I play terrible mobile games. Sometimes I write and sing funny songs, like the Tailspin theme I rewrote to be about Jonathan Holmes.

Every print magazine and most of the websites I have ever written for have collapsed pyrotechnically within months, making me the Typhoid Mary of games journalism.

I used to write and manage the front page of Encyclopedia Dramatica when it was still good (pre-2008).

I got fired from NTSC-UK once.