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Avengers Academy is a diseased freemium abscess on the taint of mobile gaming


Avengers Academy has beautiful graphics, a smooth UI, funny dialogue, an amusing concept, and and is roughly equivalent to showering in the rusty twat water of the Whore of Freemium Babylon. 

Let me step back and qualify this. 

Look at it. LOOK AT IT.

I don't mind bad games, because I can make fun of them. I don't mind games that the internet is going bezerk over, because I find a perverse pleasure in trying to like them. I actually quite liked the mobile Dungeon Keeper. And I paid money for it. I paid for it while I enjoyed it, and then I deleted it when it wasn't fun any more. It was no big deal.



Currency can be earned in one way and one way only - by performing the specific tasks assigned to specific characters. You perform those tasks. You get more tasks. You do those tasks, and only those tasks. You're a space monkey. You press a button. Your cash goes up at a pre-set rate. You sit inside a car and the dialogue scenes and milestones go by like road signs passing by the window.

I've been playing this un-lanced boil on the hairy back of a freemium hobo for three days, and I have not made a single decision, participated in a single piece of micromanagement, or been asked for any input which could have steered the experience even one iota. And that's what's boiling my piss. THERE'S JUST NOTHING TO HATE HERE! NOTHING! THERE'S NO "HERE" HERE!

*vast intake of breath* *pause* IS THIS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMES!?

At least if the micro-transaction system was especially toxic, I could have hated on that! I mean, it's cheeky to be sure. You'll never see Vision, War Machine or Spider-Woman if you don't shell out real cash, and that's taking the piss. But it doesn't boil it. It doesn't boil my piss. At worse, it pills my sweater (pills are those little bobbles you have to pull off your woolens with your fingernails).

If there's one good thing about this parasitic worm in the pus-filled teat on the extra nipple of the albino runt of Satan's herd of plague-swine, it's that after making this content I felt like I'd got something off my chest. I felt the relief you feel when you've just laid a massive cable, or like the euphoria after a really bad bout of vomiting. I felt so chipper that I went and made a reaction video, like a PROPER YouTuber!

Kill me.

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About Dalek Sexone of us since 3:11 PM on 02.27.2013

Z list internet comic. I have worked on stuff for podcasts like What A Fool Believes, We Are The Lolocaust, The Monday Movie Show and The Gamescast. I named myself while I was blogging for Tachyon TV. There is a Dr. Who character called "Dalek Sec," only I made it a penis joke. Witty.

I have a Youtube channel where I play terrible mobile games. Sometimes I write and sing funny songs, like the Tailspin theme I rewrote to be about Jonathan Holmes.

Every print magazine and most of the websites I have ever written for have collapsed pyrotechnically within months, making me the Typhoid Mary of games journalism.

I used to write and manage the front page of Encyclopedia Dramatica when it was still good (pre-2008).

I got fired from NTSC-UK once.