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Waifu Wars: Your Cruel Device, Your Blood Like Ice..


Selecting a sole individual for the ongoing hell that is the Destructoid Waifu Wars is exceptionally difficult. My love for the vidyagame fighters I've taken into countless battles knows no bounds, KOF's Leona Heidern is my namesake, my online identity and my longtime compadre. MK's Sindel has been my tag-partner for over 25 years, and Street Fighter's Rose, with her classy, timeless beauty and classic ennui, is not only custom designed for me, but probably my most consistent fight winner.

For sure these dazzling dames all have a very special place in my heart.

But, as the saying goes: "What if they gave a war and nobody came?" So whilst I sincerely, truly love all of these digital gals equally. I decided to go with the first pixelated brawler who ever stirred my loins, way back before my balls had even dropped.
A girl mired in controversy, who has reared her lovely head time and again for two decades and, each time, demands centre stage. It's easy to see why too, for not only is she addictive, indeed, she's intoxicating...

1989 saw the release of Capcom's iconic Final Fight (actually iconic, not Ubisoft iconic) and among the array of palette swapped thugs stood a true vision of 16-bit loveliness. With drop-dead looks, a wicked smile, killer gams and a lethal dose of bad attitude, Poison strode defiant into my world, two frames of animation at a time. A woman of intrigue, ambition and very little clothing, Poison stands proud today as a videogame legend, a title for which she has fought long and hard on the rocky road of life.

Raised in a scummy orphanage in Metro City, with no family, no direction, and nothing to dream for. Poison, alongside her friend/enabler Roxy, fell into a life of petty crime, eventually slithering into the notorious Mad Gear gang, a bunch of multicoloured layabouts well known for their ability to Come At You Bro, repeatedly and en masse.
Led by a crossbow wielding ape in a wheelchair, the Mad Gear would terrorise the good people of Metro City for years, before being disbanded by political red tape when the local mayor took his shirt off and beat the ever-loving shit out of them, callously drop-kicking their crippled leader through a twentieth story window.

The Mad Gear were dead, and with it, what little family Poison had ever known. But all was not lost, as she now had an invigorated taste for life and a desire to succeed. Whereas most would risk returning to education, or throw caution to the wind by getting a steady job, Poison instead chose the clean, steadfast and always financially secure world of pro-wrestling.

Kindly taking the dimwitted former Gear Andore (now Hugo) under her wing, Poison formed the HWA (Huge Wrestling Army) coercing/forcing some of the world's finest Street Fighters into donning spandex as her roster members. Finally hitting the big time, Poison became the biggest promoter in the wrasslin' business.

Now both inseparable and insufferable buddies, Poison and Hugo took time out from the world of pretend fighting to travel to Antarctica, joining the world in the hunt for the mysterious Pandora Cube.
However, upon reaching the alien artifact (falling out with each other en route) The hapless duo realised they had no need for such boundless power, as Poison exclaimed: "If we managed this, how much harder can it be?" They left the cube behind for weaker souls like Ryu and Jin Kazama to squabble over.

Returning to the States however, life would once again throw Poison a curveball. Post-Attitude era, there was simply no place for the HWA in a John Cena society, and Poison's promotion folded like a steel chair. Undaunted, she picked herself up once more and returned to the fight, entering the famed World Warrior tournament.

The underdog succeeded once more and Poison forged a new path for herself by forming The Mad Gears, a glam-rock band consisting, naturally, of the world's finest Street Fighters (as opposed to, y'know, actual musicians.)

The road to redemption has been long and arduous for Poison, and these events, (told here in abridged form, believe it or not) would have crushed lesser mortal's spirits. But Poison's determination, passion and zest for life has seen her succeed time and again.

I've been there every step of the way, from the peaks of Final Fight and USFIV, to the lows of Final Fight Revenge (which cost me ninety fuckin' quid to import back then) and the spectacularly mishandled Street Fighter x Tekken.

To me Poison, like many of my favourites, is a character I have grown up with, and is as cool and exciting to me today as she was 25 years ago. Poison has endured two decades of shaky Capcom history, but more so, she has endured a tiring controversy that, 99% of the time, is presented wholly incorrectly. Word of mouth has started to win out over actual facts in a dangerous white-washing of history by those who should really do more research before they speak.

Still rocking the same gear, same design, and the same badass attitude, Poison is the ultimate party gal. The obnoxious, fun-loving icebreaker in a land of brooding, angsty protagonists. An unashamed, spotlight-hugging motherfucker in an era of hand-wringing, politically-motivated characters.

But of course, this personality of pure, wild abandon presents an issue..
As a natural-born troublemaker who can't give up that rebellious streak, and a cock-teasing, hard-brawlin' kinda gal, a relationship with Poison is surely a testing one. You can't hold on to such free spirits, and date night would always end in a bench-clearing brawl, started just to satisfy her insatiable appetite for destruction. Hell, you might even end up in prison due to her sociopathic shenanigans, just ask Cody Travers.

Clearly, whatever the situation, be it a moonlit walk in the park, a summer vacation, or little Jimmy's Bar Mitzvah, Poison is forever destined to instigate chaos, controversy and absolute carnage wherever her glossy red heels take her.

And thus, the twist is: Poison is probably NOT best Waifu
But she gives no shits and nor do I, for she is my Waifu

You guys n' gals enjoy your war. We'll be back here, going through your wallets.

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About Chris Moyseone of us since 4:22 AM on 06.18.2010

Chris has been playing video games since video games began... still terrible at them. Former Saturday Night Slam Master, rambles nostalgically like Abe Simpson. I ain't here to fight, so let's not waste our time.

Mind like an encyclopedia.
Face like a phonebook.

"My pen shall heal, not hurt.”
L.M. Montgomery