What you need to know happened at the Royal Rumble

Well, it's that time of year again. 

Here's a simple, bullet pointed list to (probably) everything you need to know in order to hold a conversation with the tragic man-child who still likes teh wrestling in your life. (Spoiler: It's me. I'm the tragic man-child who still likes teh wrestling. I'm giving you this information so that you can come and talk to me.)

PRIMARY POINTS

• Xavier Woods made a joke about Goldeneye 64, but left the money on the table by not making a joke about "Odd Jobbers"
• Booker T decided that he wants to be memes, but his producer on the pre-show missed his cue and the cartoon ducks he wanted to appear on screen when he said "Oooooh shucky ducky, quack quack quack" popped up late
• Kevin Owens got a chair stuck to his face, and it was totes adorbs
• Pretty much everything went down as I predicted it would in the video on the subject I posted to Destructoid last week, so I win

SECONDARY POINTS

• Dean Ambrose fought Kevin Owens, and they were both fantastic (is it opposite day at the WWE?)
• Del Rio fought Kallisto for the championship, and Kallisto won (it IS opposite day at the WWE)
• AJ Styles came into the Rumble at number 3, stayed for half an hour and went over hard with a screaming crowd, a whole twelve of whom had ever seen him wrestle before
• Mark Henry was eliminated after 15 seconds (THAT'S THE WALL, BROTHER)
• The old giants (Big Show, Kane) all got taken out single handed by a young giant (Straumann) and OK STOP WITH THE OPPOSITE DAY
• Neville is still awesome, surprisingly good turn from Tyler "My angle is that I'm an irritating millenial" Breeze
• Roman Reigns got dragged out of the ring and kicked into a bloody paste, got stretchered off and spent three quarters of the match having a nice rest before coming back just before the end, leading to the crowd working a "ROMAN'S SLEEPING" chant in

So yeah, the talent they've been abusing or sidelining for the last year got pushed, the right people all won, all the faces went over clean, all the heels were suitably dastardly, and if Vince wasn't at ringside himself I'd be swearing blind that somebody had murdered him by this point.

OTHER AWFUL THINGS I'VE CONSUMED THIS WEEK:

• Co-Op microwaved pulled pork. Seriously, where the hell did all the pulled pork come from? Two years ago we'd never heard of it in Britain, now it's everywhere. Is it an alien invasion plot? Is it people?
• The episode of Supernatural where Dean can talk to dogs and finds himself sexually attracted to a poodle
• Into The Dead by Pik Pok (actually that's a complete lie, it's excellent, but it's in my shitbooks until they fix controller support)
• Murdoc Mysteries (how Canada has kept this a secret from the rest of the world is simply beyond me)
• A Unity asset flip called "Farm Dog Fight" (see below)

LOOK WHO CAME:

Dalek Sex   

ikiryou   15

Dreggsao   2

NakedBigBoss   1