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White Whales: Dragonslayer Ornstein


Why hello there, Mr. Ornstein. 

No, there's no need to look confused. I'm sure you don't remember me. After all, why would you? I'm nothing special. No doubt I'm no different to the thousands of luckless undead on their way through Anor Londo that you and Executioner Smough have pounded into a bloody paste.

Over the years, all the great denizens of Lordran have been reduced to trivialities by my single mindedness. Lord Gwyn? Parry spammed to death. Bell Gargoyles? One slice of gold pine resin or two? Bed of Chaos? Do it in my sleep. Iron Golem? I'll just be over here sipping a mojito while Iron Tarkus jumps on your plums.

All of them reduced to mere footnotes in my muscle memory. Except you.

Well, not today.

For years I've dreamed of having three companions to hold you down while I use a spoon to do to you what was done to the warden in The Walking Dead. Think I'm joking? Let me introduce you to my new character, Darkspoon Gwyndolin. And his spoon. And his three new friends.

Praise the spoon, motherfucker. WHERE'S YOUR FAT BOYFRIEND NOW, BITCH?

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About Dalek Sexone of us since 3:11 PM on 02.27.2013

Z list internet comic. I have worked on stuff for podcasts like What A Fool Believes, We Are The Lolocaust, The Monday Movie Show and The Gamescast. I named myself while I was blogging for Tachyon TV. There is a Dr. Who character called "Dalek Sec," only I made it a penis joke. Witty.

I have a Youtube channel where I play terrible mobile games. Sometimes I write and sing funny songs, like the Tailspin theme I rewrote to be about Jonathan Holmes.

Every print magazine and most of the websites I have ever written for have collapsed pyrotechnically within months, making me the Typhoid Mary of games journalism.

I used to write and manage the front page of Encyclopedia Dramatica when it was still good (pre-2008).

I got fired from NTSC-UK once.