You know it's going to happen. Sooner or later. Like a comet that passes perilously close to the earth every five years or so, Donald Trump will remember that video games exist again. That's going to be bad times for all concerned.
Curiously though, given his track record for going after soft targets and saying outrageous things to offend just about everyone, we here in Gamerville have been thus far mercifully spared His Baleful Gaze. He once had a quick swipe at us by saying that video games which promote violence should be banned, but that's hardly controversial by his olympic-class standards.
The question is, though, when the bombs inevitably do drop, where will they hit first? In the style of the documentaries which haunted our televisions for every single night of the 1980s and helpfully told us the exact horrific manner in which we were definitely going to die in the event of a nuclear war, here's three ways that Trumpment Day could go down.
1. Trump vs Grand Theft Auto
Grand Theft Auto is the go-to target for newsy people who maybe did once hear about a video game and there was a killing in it. Off the bat, you might think that it's a bit of an easy target for Trump's rainbow-coloured brand of I'll-have-some-of-what-he's-smoking attention grabs. Unless, that is, somebody tells Trump that GTA is a Scottish game, and then things could get interesting.
You might remember the petition to ban Trump from the UK a few months ago. That was a jolly good wheeze, wasn't it? Nobody really took it seriously, did they? Well yes, Nicola Sturgeon did.
Nicola Sturgeon is the head of the Scottish National Party, and after the last general election (which was such a disaster for non-SNP Scottish politicians that the press dubbed it "The Red Wedding"), that basically means she's the Queen of Scotland. Sturgeon rather likes the idea of banning Trump from Scotland, and if you've been paying attention you'll know that he has some fairly hefty cheddar invested in golf courses over there.
Trump has responded in kind by threatening to go home and take his ball made of money with him. What if he needed some ammunition, and GTA became a pawn in his campaign against the Scotch? Can we be far enough from Trump's STOP THESE GINGER HAIRED TRANSVESTITES FROM CORRUPTING OUR YOUTH WITH THEIR DEVIL PROSTITUTE KILLING SIMULATORS campaign?
2. Trump joins Gamergate
Ever noticed how the tactics of straight white males who don't actually have much to complain about seem to all be much of a muchness? Strawmen arguments? Invented demons? Personal harassment? Whiny insistence that they're the real underdog? Justifying their arrested development bullshit by claiming to be "Telling it like it is?"
I'm thinking that Trump could find a lot of friends in the Gamergate movement. All somebody has to do is leak the information to him that video games are secretly controlled by women using sex to bully good, American developers into putting queers, transexuals and Muslims into Call of Honor 14, and he'll be off like a bloody whippet out of a trap screaming "I KNEW IT!"
Long story short, TRUMP x GAMERGATE = OTP
3. Trump endorses Jim Sterling
Hear me out.
Someone asked Jim recently what would happen if Trump endorsed him. He said "Get a lot of attention and feel really bad." This got me thinking about whether it could actually happen, and you know, I think it'd be a lot easier than you might think. My reasons are that A) I'm 99% sure that Trump and his team don't actually fact-check anything before they open their mouths, and B) Jim spends the majority of his time on camera looking like a Southern Baptist preacher. Send a few photos of him pounding his lectern to the campaign team telling them that Jim's warning gamers of the evil of their ways, sign here to endorse plz xx, and Jim's your uncle.
Where it goes from there is in the lap of the gods. I've run the scenario through my head several times, and my favourite outcome is the one where he uses his newfound attention to fund his own campaign bus with a giant dragon dildo on top and follows Trump on the campaign trail, turning up to every rally with Usher's "Yeah" blaring at full volume.
Then the doors of the bus open and Jonathan Holmes comes out to deliver the press conference wearing a mesh tank top and Daisy Dukes.