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Ooktar's Porn Reviews: E.T. The Porn Parody (NSFW)
So after posting a little joke review of the She-Hulk porn parody, I got some requests to do some other reviews of various XXX parody films because Destructoid is all about wholesome family entertainment. Well be careful what you wish for because here is the first in my queue of requested reviews, E.T. the porno.
I've been told that there are quite a few E.T. Porn parodies out there. At least 5 so I've been told. That said I will only be reviewing one since there were only two I could find and one was in German. Or rather they were the only two I could find on the internet to watch for free because I'm sorry but I sure as hell wasn't about to pay money for these.
So the one I'll be covering is E.T. The Extra Terrestrial with the Extra Testicle. This is the latest of the various E.T. Porn Parodys and actually stars some known talent like Capri Anderson. It also has the best production value with an actually decent looking E.T puppet and some digital effects, because if I'm going to watch E.T. fuck, it should at least look good.
The plot more or less follows the movie but I'll describe it anyways for those who don't remember or haven't seen the original. Basically it starts out with E.T. and his ship stopping off on earth so E.T. can step out into the woods and get his wank on, because apparently E.T. isn't allowed to spank it on the ship. As curious as I was to know just why E.T. got banned from jerking off on his own ship, it's never explained. We are also introduced to E.T.'s horrid green turgid member that looks like a Golf Ball melted onto the end of a stick shift and painted with snot. We also see his "Extra Testicle" which looks like 3 tennis balls wrapped in some rotten lunch meat. So the movie fails Movie Creature rule #1 in that you don't reveal the monster in the first act.
While he's out in the woods beating his meat, the cops show up and scare off his ride leaving him stranded on earth with his dick in his hand.... literally. We then cut to our actual human cast of "teens". Ellie, played by Capri Anderson, and her friends, played by various other sex stars, are being their usual horned up "teen" selves when Ellie goes outside and supposedly spots the creature. Her friends dismiss her as crazy and her mom who as young as she is apparently had her daughter when she was 14, sends them off to bed, though not her brother or girlfriend who talk themselves out of it with talk of "studying".
So the other kids go to bed while Ellies Brother and his girlfriend played by Veronica Radke "Study" which leads into our first sex scene. I won't go into detail here as ultimately this is just a generic sex scene and likely just for filler than anything else. Obviously the first scene can't be our titular alien getting it on right away so they need to warm us up a bit to it. That said it's nothing special though the girl is attractive and the guy's acceptable.
Moving on from that, Ellie then decides to look for whatever it was she happened to see. She lays out Reeses Pieces (Do they even still make Reeses Pieces?) to try and lure whatever it is into the house with apparently no concern of it possibly brutally murdering her. Of course E.T. who apparently must have a fetish for Chocolate and Peanut Butter tracks them down and shows up at the house. He gives the Reeses Pieces back to Ellie as some good will gesture which is enough to convince her to invite him up to her room.
Ellie talks to E.T. a bit and watches as E.T. Mimics her actions. Here it somehow leads into the next "Scene" as Ellie somehow get's turned on by E.T's curiosity and turd like figure. She slowly strips down and starts playing with herself as E.T. looks on. Capri Anderson is undeniably attractive and a good performer. I mean you'd have to be to be able to perform under that kind of condition. As E.T. is watching Ellie get down with herself, he finally gets the hint and starts beating his horrid peter. Ellie and E.T. then watch eachother til they both seemingly climax with E.T. supposed orgasm represented by his dick head glowing a la the classic "E.T phone home" scene.
After that, Ellie decides to do her best to keep E.T. safe and find out what he really wants. She fakes being sick to her mom who's already shown how gullible she is and shows her brother and friend E.T. who shows off some of his powers. E.T. then claims he needs to go home and the three human characters all look at him sad while music that doesn't belong in a porno whatsoever plays in the background.
The next day Ellie finally goes back to school while E.T. has the house to himself. E.T. wanders around the house a bit, finds and drinks some beer in the fridge and beats off to some porn he found with a woman who of course is hotter than any of the women in this movie. Meanwhile Ellies freaks out in the middle of her science class releasing all the frogs from their jars trying to set them free.
At the end of her frog tirade, Ellie is seemingly horny because with no explanation or reason whatsoever, she forces herself onto one of her fellow male students leading to the 3rd sex scene (or technically 2nd since there was no actual sex in the last scene). Again though this is just a fairly generic scene as Ellie and her co student fuck around in the classroom. Again, Capri is hot but here we are over halfway through the movie and this E.T. Porn Parody hasn't actually had E.T. Fucking anybody yet.
That said, finally we go back to the house where E.T. is still and Ellies other brother and Girlfriend show up for their "study" session. His girlfriend dresses up E.T. to try and disguise him and all the while is fascinated by E.T. and particularly E.T.'s extra testicle. So fascinated in fact that she decides she wants to see what E.T. thinks of sex. Finally here our protagonist gets what he really came to earth for.
First the girlfriends blows the boyfriend a bit while E.T. looks on rubbing his outer space beefstick. The girlfriend, seemingly turned on by being watched by an alien actually decides to give E.T. a little something as well and turns to finally suck on E.T.'s alien pole. She switches back and forth between her boyfriend and E.T. before finally giving up that pussy to both. E.T. Squeezes his awful looking cock into her twat and she switches between fucking her boyfriend and E.T. before finally E.T. fucking her from behind blows a load all over her ass despite seemingly orgasming two other times in the movie with no jizz.
Mad props to both Jodie Anderson and the guy in this scene for managing to keep character the whole time. I would imagine I'd have a hard time maintaining a hard on with a big rubber creature fucking some girl in front of me. Also I imagine E.T.'s big horrible cock was probably not very comfortable in her cooch.
Which leads to the last scene and the end of the movie. Ellies decides to bring E.T. back to the woods so he can try to contact his ship. Unfortunately E.T. appears to be dying and Ellie is also very sick. They get back to the house where her mom finally discovers E.T. and the government raids the house. The government are preparing to do experiments on E.T. when Ellie discovers he's alive still and that his people are coming for him.
Ellie and her brother convince their mom that E.T. is alive and they need to get him home. The mom decides to use her super powers as a busty hot blonde mom to seduce the government agent while they kids get away. Of course this leads to the next and final sex scene in the movie. Ellie's mom is played by Alan Evans and arguably the hottest woman in the movie and she is definitely a great performer, but here we are, the final sex scene and only one out of five actually had E.T. fucking anybody.
So finally Ellie and her friends make it to the woods and they say bye to E.T. as he boards his ship and goes home. Also the sound cut out in this copy of the movie I watched so I couldn't hear them saying goodbye so for all I know they were actually telling E.T. to fuck off. That's it.
E.T. the porn parody didn't have enough to be disgusted or turned off by, but it didn't have enough weird factor for a porn parody about an alien. Overall It was a pretty mediocre experience and I would only recommend it if you happen to be a fan of the stars or just really want to see E.T. fuck which is really kinda just disappointing.
2.5/5
Next time on ooktar's Porn Reviews. Bobs Burgers, a XXX parody.
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