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NVGR: Music, thoughts, and a request for help.


Hello friends,

First off, I wanted to share a new song I wrote:

Closing In (2015) - This song is kind of special, because it's the first time I used a technique called "Sidechaining" to create a pulsating beat that affects several instruments. It's a neat technique, and I like how the song turned out.

I wanted to get some thoughts off my chest as well. Yesterday was the 18 year anniversary of my father's death. It always gives me something to think about. It's certainly not as bad as it used to be, where I blamed myself for his death. This year, I was focused on the fact that at the hospital, they gave him Penicillin, even though I told them he was allergic to it. It's what caused him to swell up, and I believe was the moment the doctors decided to let him die. He probably would've died anyway, he had a lot going wrong.

In case you're wondering, I can't do anything about it legally. The statute of limitation for medical malpractice in NY is 2 and a half years, and this happened over 18 years ago. I only recently (within the last year or so) found out he was given Penicillin. It was something I should've questioned at the time, but I was only 16 years old, and I didn't know any better. There's a lot I still don't know.

But thinking back to how they basically ignored me, is kind of how I feel today. I feel (mostly) ignored. Granted, I don't communicate with other people very well. It's more or less my fault. I'm trying to work on my social skills, but it's hard. You can add me on Steam (alphadeus) if you want to chat sometime. It's a good way to reach out to me.

Also, I hate that I have to do this again (I did it around this time last year as well), but I'm wondering if maybe people could help me out financially. Last month, my monitor decided to crap out, and it cost me $150 to replace it, leaving me very low on funds for food. The reason it cost so much to replace the monitor, is mainly because of my anxiety. I can't go out during the day, especially to crowded places. I grabbed the only monitor that I could at Walmart around 4am.

The anxiety is part of my disability, which includes issues with depression, social anxiety, obesity, herniated disc in lower back, and conditions that seem connected to being on the autism spectrum. I only get a small amount of money at the beginning of the month, and I have to stretch it out to the best of my ability. I am unable to work.

Anything helps. My Paypal is [email protected]. I also sell my music on Bandcamp, and I have a Patreon if you want to support me monthly. I understand if you don't, though. I've done this many times in the past, and honestly I don't know what else to do. I have less than 100 dollars to my name, which has to last me until the end of the month. This "may" be enough for food for the month. I can probably make it work, but I could really use some help just to be sure.

I'll try my best to avoid making blog posts like this in the future. I like to think I've gotten better at managing money. If the monitor had died around this time last year, I wouldn't have been able to even afford to replace it. I have some new medication coming that I hope will help me with my anxiety, because it's crippling me. I hate that I can't go outside.

Sorry, I'm kind of rambling at this point. I appreciate you taking time to read my blog. I wish it was more about music, and less about personal issues.

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About Alphadeusone of us since 4:33 PM on 04.02.2012