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Games Workshop Can Fuck Right Off


Years back, I got into Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 in a pretty big way. Games Workshop's seminal wargames had fun little models and entertaining if not very coherent world building. On the Fantasy side I played the Ogre Kingdoms all the way. Big fat fuckers who eat everything in sight. That's pretty much me, sans the combat prowess. Never won a single game with 'em. On the "in the grim darkness of the far future everything is grimdark and also spaceships" side of Warhammer, I was all over the place. Space Marines, Dark Eldar, Imperial Guard--I never found one that really satisfied me. Again, never won a single game. Lost interest. Wasn't helped when it became clear that GW was both blinded by greed and really kind of shit at balancing their rule sets. Models went up in cost, the Spiritual Liege (40k fans know who I mean) tried to canonize some truly epic tales of stupid, lots of people weren't happy.

GW doesn't release a lot of tie-in video games, but those that do are usually fairly decent. The games rarely feel as authentic to the setting as they could be though, both in terms of gameplay and setting canon. Most people agree that Space Marine was pretty close, and Dawn of War was a solid RTS even if it didn't follow the tabletop rules. Too bad THQ had to shut down. We'll likely never see a sequel to Space Marine.

But GW is trucking on with a basket of new games on the horizon. Total War: Warhammer looks to be the kind of high-tier crossover you don't normally see in any medium, but with crossover hits like the Marvel Cinematic Universe becoming proven money makers it was only a matter of time before video games wormed their way into the pot. Nintendo got Hyrule Warriors and PC gamers can expect a mish mash between Creative Assembly's popular series Total War and Warhammer Fantasy, set in the pre-Age of Sigmar because GW isn't going to let anything modern make it into the video game market. Artificial bottlenecks forcing you to buy $100 model sets are really all the poor company has these days.

Another title making it way to PCs is Battlefleet Gothic: Armada which is set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe but involves ship-to-ship fleet battles rather than the ground-war gaming of traditional Warhammer 40,000. In it, you build a customizable fleet of starships and blow each other up. Par the course, really. Fleet-based RTS's aren't exactly innovative or particularly entertaining to anyone who isn't a fan of Eve Online or needlessly complicated command-management sims, but at least it's not a watered down "Little Billy's First Big Boy War Game."

Anyways. These games can fuck right off.

I've been vocal about it elsewhere on Destructoid and I'm gonna be vocal about it right now. These games can fuck right off. Why?

Warhammer Fantasy has more than 12 playable factions. Total War: Warhammer? Six. The Empire (humans), High Elves, Dwarfs (and it's Dwarfs, not Dwarves, for some arbitrary reason), Chaos (humans again but "evil"), Orcs and Vampires. For fans of Warhammer, this is a kick in the nuts. Outside of maybe Vampires, who have never been given much attention in video games, the rest of this not-even-half list of factions covers the most generic and overused groups in the Warhammer Fantasy Setting.

Battlefleet Gothic: Armada will have four out of the friggin' 15+ factions you can field in Warhammer 40,000. The Imperium (humans again), Eldar (High Elves), Orks (Orcs but spelled wrong because trademarks are that stupidly easy to create), and Chaos (humans again only like a Gwar concert took place in Freddy Krueger's nightmare).

Neither of these games provides factions I'm interested in, so they can fuck right off.

Now you might be asking: "Wallace you corpulent half-wit, why are you being such a huge whiny shithead about this?" Well, let's go down the list and I'll try to answer any arguements or questions that would be brought up because I vocalized my opinion and someone doesn't like that.

Games Workshop ALWAYS starts with the main factions.

They shouldn't. They should start with all of them or fuck right off.


Making people pay/wait for their faction to appear can fuck right off. They don't even have a guarantee their faction will make an appearance before the developer loses interest.

The developer can't be expected to make a game that in-depth.

They can either pull their pants up and get it done, or do what Blizzard did and invent their own setting with fewer fanctions. Until then they can fuck right off.

The faction you want isn't even very popular. Why should the developers bend over backwards to make a faction barely anyone will play?

Because this is GW's opportunity to MAKE those factions popular, but they're not, so they can (say it with me) fuck right off.

Just pirate the game if you don't want to pay for the extra DLC.

Besides not wanting to wait, piracy is wrong. Not paying for their product doesn't solve the problem.

You're just an angry whiner/troll/someone I disagree with.

Doesn't make my point less relevant.

What the fuck is your point?

Developers refusing to bring a more comprehensive Warhammer game to an already established audience can fuck right off with this limp, half-hearted attempt at milking a cash cow. It's 2015, so either make the effort or fuck right off.

In closing, fuck right off.

And Blood Bowl 2 using races as exclusive DLC for PS4 and Xbox One can fuck right off, too.

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About TheInternone of us since 3:57 PM on 07.16.2015

TheIntern is a fiction author that writes under the pen-name M.G. Gallows. He lurks on DToid to hang out with the cool people.