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I Miss You


It’s been a year. Oh, what a year it has been my friend. So much darkness, so much light. I know, I’m a drama queen sometimes. Can’t help it. It’s not easy wrestling with all this, especially when I have barely anyone to bounce it off. Yes, yes, I know. There are a lot of people who would be there if I just reached out. You were one of them, remember? We drifted apart though. Nothing wrong or even odd about that. So much pain and anger brought bubbling up, just due to being in each others presence. Memories fucking suck, eh? Why don’t I reach out to one of my phillowers (as you called them, lol)? I feel, I do more harm than good when I do that. I feel this incredibly intense pressure to be ok. To be fine, to have won through all the shit. To have nothing else, have gone wrong. I feel like a huge disappointment when things aren’t alright. When I’m not alright. I feel like I’ve failed everyone who ever cared. You know how much I hate to fail at something. You know how fucking stubborn I am.

What am I up to? Been burying myself in everything I can (besides your mother! wait….). I’ve always been better with a full plate. If I’m not overworked, I’m bored. Or high/drunk. I’ve been good on that front as well though. Haven’t gone back to being a straight edge nerd, as you called it. I don’t let things control me though. I’m holding the line. Thought wise, things are…. well, better. Learning to smile again. I pretty much lost my sense of humor though. More like muscle memory now. Stupid quips and jokes, no meat, no substance. It’s hard finding that again. There is still so much anger, sadness and pain. It all boils in me everyday. Not as bad as a year ago, but not gone either. I know it’s my job to be the funny one, or the light as you called it, but that’s hard to do with hole in me. You weren’t the only one to leave, remember? You were just the one that hurt the worst, especially since it was at your own hand.

You fucking idiot. You selfish bastard. I miss you.

I’ve come to make peace with your absence, but I don’t forgive it. The part that frosts me the most, is that you named me. I know you didn’t mean it like that, but you knew damn well how I’d take it. How I’d chew on it, obsess over it. Almost a year later and it’s still one of the first things I think of, when I wake up. Thanks for adding that to the list of things I need to feel guilty over. Prick. Change the subject? No. I can’t. I have to get this out, before things fester again. You left us. You took the easy road out. No, it isn’t easy living with the things we saw, did, became. None of it easy. But you were supposed to push through. You were supposed to fight. Not hurt us all even more.

I still love you though. I still miss you, so much. I hope you finally found peace. At least until I get up or down there (most likely down in our case, heh). I’m going to beat the shit out you, so fucking badly. Then we’ll get a beer and catch up. Until then, I have to let this go. Hence, this letter. I have to be more than I now am. Can’t do that with this ball of pain strapped to my leg. So until we meet again, go fuck yourself asshole.  


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About PhilKenSebbenone of us since 9:50 PM on 04.21.2009

Formerly known as Miguel Martinez. A total piece of shit, and burning in hell now. He was almost 38 and old, and one of your former Community Managers. He will never be Andy Dixon, but thankfully he will never be Wes either. He probably hates you as well (He's lying about that). He loves the cock though. He used to run The Low(er) Tier, he podcasted (and was on PStoid, led by dudes in pants) and got into development and then fell out of it. He says he enjoys nothing (his fat ass loves tacos though), but his known interests (besides games) are: reading, cooking, dying, hiking, playing with his kids, yelling at old(er) people, collecting various urine samples, stalking Smurfee, bad MSPaint work, thinking about working out, itching his bare butthole and seeing how long he can go without smelling his finger and Batman. He loves old school cars (Chevy), football (Packers & Niners) and of course: Vidya Gamze! You can see him all over the net with the same username, but mainly over at The Takeout.

His favorite games as a wee lass were: SMB3, Gunstar Heroes, Commander Keen, Blake Stone, Doom/Quake, Excitebike, Anything from Sierra/Lucasarts and MK. Now days he barely has times for games. Keen on TBS and Roguelikes still though (Spelunky ftw!). The replayability makes his dick hard. He also is known to be playing FPS online and headshotting your ass. He's always down to game with anyone, so feel free to hit him up on whatever you see I'm on. He's been on Dtoid quite awhile now (almost 10+ years) and has been involved in numerous off the radar things like contests, recaps, Community Managing, fucking dogs and spreading his AIDS. You could find him lurking mainly in the forums (fucking RIP), or on Communitoid, but yeah. Now he's a simple qpost whore. He also checks for spam and spreads his love here and there in cblogs and the fp. He loves you sick bastards. In a sexy non-sexual way. Mainly sexual. You ever need help, or an ear to vent to, DM him.

He is also on that thar Tweetarr @MikeMcPhil. Feel free to hit him up, He is always down to chat or lend an ear to someone in need. Or he'll send you some horrific or weird memes. Your choice.

Him Roberto Planktonfied:

Him Turvey-fied:

A fucking Xeno:

His career interview by Nihil

His Community Interview

Phil on Communitoid

Some Low(er) Tier Podcasts

Fapcasts can be found here

Twitch.tv Profile

His theme from the amazing Alphadeus:

Xbox LIVE:PhilK3nS3bb3n
PSN ID:MickGuerrera
Steam ID:hillbillysk8


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