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E3 Bingo: Where Dreams Come to Die


E3 is upon us once again, and so too are ridiculous predictions. Having exhausted every form of divination available in past years – tarot cards, coins, magic 8 balls – I was left with either the last resort of “Erotic Dice Predict E3” or to change the format up. I chose poorly.

So I’m proud to pronounce E3 Bingo, the only game where winning makes you a bigger loser! The cards will be split between the Big Three conferences of Sony/Microsoft/Nintendo and a fourth General card. The traditional Free Space will be occupied by a sure thing and victory is achieved by getting a row either vertically, horizontally, or diagonally.


Microsoft like to play it safe, a little too safe. Last year’s "all games, no bull" approach helped make up for the previous disastrous years, but they still lag behind. Objectively, it could be argued that Microsoft have some of the best games to showcase, but the problem is most turn out to be multiplatform. They also have a habit of using doublespeak to feign exclusivity, so look forward to pointless confusion in the coming days. Expect lots of green.


“Greatness Awaits” has been the tagline for a few years now, and fans are starting to get impatient, Greatness needs to hurry the hell up and arrive already. Sony’s had a comfortable lead for a while, but they’ve been coasting on goodwill at E3 lately, hopefully they’re more proactive this year, instead of waiting for MS to screw up. Expect that panoramic shit that people watching online can’t appreciate.


Okay, predicting Nintendo is basically pointless, because they don’t follow any predictable course of action or business acumen ever. Where Microsoft are evil and Sony are stupid, Nintendo are crazy. Not to mention they run such a tight ship, Nintendo rarely leak, even when their upcoming game is Tentacle Hair Bukkake Turf Wars, somehow nobody mentions it. Expect presentation kind of like those kids shows that talk to the viewer.


Everything else, EA, Ubisoft, Square, Bethesda and more have showcases this year. Who knows what terrifying monstrosities they’ll unleash this year? Expect cringe.

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About Handyone of us since 1:44 PM on 09.14.2009

Welcome to the blog.... you must be bored. anyway im Handy, I'm a student in Ireland and I'm here to talk about whatever may come into my mind....so not much then.

Lets see... I�ve been playing games pretty much my whole life, since my Commodore back in the day to my ps3 now I�ve been hooked. Actually come to think of it I can�t remember a time I wasn�t playing games. Can�t say I have a favourite genre, I like to try a bit of everything, though I will go to town on a good RPG. I�ll have something to fill in this space as soon as my life becomes interesting.

^^^ Seriously, I wrote that like four years ago and still nothing interesting has happened.

Like everyone else on Destructoid I�m at a loss on what to fill this space with so I guess I�ll just catalogue my greatest hits, if you can call a loose collection of lists and borderline pornographic fanart �greatest hits�.

Listmania � Because liking something isn�t as important as liking it in the correct order.

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs: Part two

Gamings Greatest Slinky Invisible Women with Huge Asses

E3 Approaches: The E3 survival guide!

Something about E3: 34 things you�ll have to hear soon

Lost? Lonely? Looking for Love?

Gaming�s worst legal guardians

Gaming DIY

Valentine�s Day, Shmalentine�s.....Shmay

Get a new look at the Gaming Salon!


The NPC survival guide

Game lessons that don�t work in real life

Fanart Flops � Because you must suffer.

Fanart Flops: Back by (Un)Popular Demand

Fanart Flops: Eyebleach, I Choose You Edition

Fanart Flops: Octopus Hojo Edition

Fanart Flops: Stop Raping My Childhood Edition

Fanart Flops. (Possibly NSFW)

Wankery � The terrible results of when I pretend I�m smart.

Dear Industry: I Am Not a Psychopath

Final Fantasy Versus Itself

Only Human

The culture Gap

Sargasm � Because I�m kind of a dick.

Darksiders 2 in a nutshell

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

How Dare You, Capcom

Death to Red Shepard!

How to make a sequel

Why FFXIII is the worst one EVAR!

The Scandalous Scam of Samit Sarkar!

In the name of SCIENCE!!!

Front page � When Destructoid has terrible lapses in judgement.

Top 12 Videogame porno parodies (NSFW)

Handy�s X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

Game plots that are clearly rip-offs

Comments of the Week: Busst Stop

Comments of the week: George Michael Warfare 3

Don�t forget Comments of the Week

Comments of the Week: Tinfoil Hat Edition

Just because.
PSN ID:Handy2


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