Is everyone enjoying Splatoon? Perhaps you're too busy hunting for those last amiibos from Wave 3 so you can finally start on Wave 4 to have had the chance? Oh, maybe you're hyping yourself for the big Nintendo Direct scheduled for tomorrow?
Or maybe... Maybe you're one of the millions upon millions of people losing their minds over what Nintendo's gone and done this time. Is that it, dear reader?
This morning in Japan, just a few hours ago for us, Nintendo finally lifted their veil of secrecy over the mysterious "Nintendo NX" project. Initially said to be neither a replacement for the Wii U or 3DS, perhaps it should have been clear from the beginning what the NX was going to be after Nintendo partnered with DeNA to entire the mobile gaming industry.
You guessed right, ladies and gentlemen. The Nintendo NX is a smart phone, and all signs point to it taking the gaming and phone worlds by storm.
Those of you who were burned by their last attempt at a mobile are in for a treat.
No longer known by its mysterious and trendy codename, Nintendo's president attended a press release event in Akibahara this morning to reveal the Nintendo Wiiner to the world. This device, with the clever tagline "Are you a Wiiner?" in tow, has already forced five retailers to go bankrupt after their websites were shut down due to excited customers filled to the brim with anticipation of preorders that are set to go live in just mere hours. Is your body ready?
If so, then I hope your F5 keys are still working!
Here is just a small selection of those waiting in line to get their hands on some fresh Wiiners.
All around Akibahara, men and women, boys and girls, and maids and furries alike took turns trying out Nintendo's Wiiner at this exciting event, one that is already being known as the first of many. Those present at the event were even allowed the opportunity to test not only many of the device's features, but the Wiiner's size and durability were also a hot topic when Nintendo offered their Wiiners to the crowd for a short period of time.
Thirteen-year-old Mune Oogata took the initiative and, with the supervision of a group of officials, put the Wiiner inside her pockets and schoolbag to see if its size would cause discomfort or if there would be other issues compared to those created by competing smart phone brands. According to Oogata-san, "I'm used to ones that are so thin and tiny, they would bend if I just move my legs funny - but this Wiiner is thick enough that I don't have to worry about it breaking no matter how rough I am with it!"
First year elementary school teacher Nota Chikan was also thrilled with Nintendo's newest device, claiming he would get one right away! Chikan-san went on to explain his excitement: "I can't wait to pull my Wiiner out at school to show all of the kids!" Chikan-san sounds like he has a long career ahead of him indeed!
Even the senior citizens that made it to the event were impressed with the Wiiner's easy to understand operating system. Despite the fact that it was a previously untouched device, as kindly Mazui Midara freely points out for us: "I tell you, I'm gonna get me a new Wiiner and take it to the home and all us old folks are gonna practice with it. We'll have the hang of it in a jiffy! Boy, my grandkids are going to be so impressed when they see Grandpa holding a Wiiner just like them! Why, I bet I'll even be able to show them just how a Wiiner is used once I get my hands on one of these!"
Needless to say, the Nintendo Wiiner sounds like it's already going to be the thing to get this holiday season. But if you aren't convinced yet, then don't worry! Nintendo never disappoints when it comes to adding absolutely necessary adjustments to formulas that definitely weren't just fine before, and the Wiiner is no different.
The Nintendo Wiiner has a variety of features unique to the Nintendo mindset and Nintendo ecosystem. Let's go through some of the amazing things that a Wiiner can do for you now:
Whenever you pass by someone who also has a Wiiner, yours will rise to attention and automatically exchange contact information with them. This way, the community of Wiiners will continue to grow and grow, becoming closer with every successful Street Talk, an act that takes place through the process Nintendo has pegged as Street Walking. Now you can do so much more than just make a Pass at people like on your old 3DS!
While Nintendo understands that the world is host to some very hostile people, they also understand that in this progressive world, they can't do the parenting for us. Thus, the Nintendo Wiiner features the patented Comprehensive Hostility And Sexuality Tracker Informs Trackers About You Lock that prevents underaged users from accessing their Wiiners without their parents' permission. Users above the age of 18 are free to use their Wiiners however they wish without the C.H.A.S.T.I.T.Y. Lock blocking those features of their Wiiner.
With the advent of this exciting new feature, both the young and old will be able to enjoy their Wiiners without fear!
Nintendo will also be releasing multiple Wiiner exclusive Nintendo titles for the mobile gaming audience to enjoy! Only with a Wiiner will gamers will be able to enjoy titles like Metroid: Return to A Nus, Princess Peach Beach Party, and Gardevoir: XXX Version. Additionally, Nintendo has also confirmed that the Wiiner will feature connectivity with Nintendo consoles - meaning you can indeed use your Wiiner as a replacement for your Wiimote.
For all of you amiibo fans than missed this amazing announcement while you were out shopping, don't worry! Nintendo has also confirmed that your Wiiners will be able to used with existing and upcoming amiibo.
The first Wiiner game to take advantage of amiibo functionality will be a Splatoon spinoff called Splat!, a game in which players are charged with the task of using their Wiiners to paint their amiibos in-game with as much gooey liquid as possible. Rewards gained in Splat! can even be taken to other Nintendo titles once obtained, forever marking your amiibo as one that has been thoroughly used in combination with your Wiiner.
An amiibo-centric app for the device is also in the works. Currently codenamed No... No... YES!, this amiibo checklist will make your Wiiner vibrate at differing levels depending on whether or not the amiibo presented before the Wiiner is one registered as being owned.
Sadly, it's not all fun and games for hopeful Wiiner owners. According to Nintendo, the Nintendo Wiiner, being "a new and experimental piece of technology definitely unlike anything anyone else has ever created for realsies, please understand," could not be released without a minor, almost impossible to notice form of region locking.
To explain simply for those who are curious, as Nintendo has assured us all that Wiiner enthusiasts will likely never run into a situation where this is an issue, you will need to buy Wiiners from different regions to talk to people from those regions. If they're presently in your country, they will need to get their Wiiner updated as being of the new country or they will need to purchase a new Wiiner.
Nintendo is very aware that people with different cultures from one's own can be considered very, very offensive, and they hope this type of phone will encourage peace and understanding for all by preventing their customers from being exposed the anything that they aren't used to.
Pictured: An average Nintendo employee's impression of what a typical encounter between two people of different cultures is like.
The Nintendo Wiiner comes in both normal and XL sizes, and both versions boast incredible memory capacities never before seen on Nintendo consoles, and will be up for purchase very soon for those willing to have the ultimate Wiiner experience.
Starting at a small, almost insignificant asking price of $2,000, the basic model Nintendo Wiiner will offer an incredible memory size of 4GB, and this size increases drastically depending on the model consumers choose to buy, going up to an unprecedented for Nintendo 64GB! This brilliant business model, another Nintendo original, allows those interested in having a Wiiner of their own to buy based on how often they plan on using their Wiiners. And that's not even the half of this meaty deal! If you're the kind of person who wants to hold a more solid Wiiner in your hand, then don't worry! The Nintendo Wiiner XL might just be what you're looking for.
Now, you might be wondering just what kind of subscription plan Nintendo is offering for all of you prospective Wiiners out there. To put it in the words of Akibahara resident Otafa Kunboi, "Nintendo is the only one in the phone industry that does fees right." That just says it all, doesn't it? There isn't even a need to mention the specifics, context, or any of the competition when you have comments like that around!
The internet is already ablaze with talk from consumers excited for the Nintendo Wiiner. Nintendo of America has not only already confirmed that Americans will be able to have Wiiners of their own soon, but they've additionally announced that the Limited Edition Onyx Nintendo Wiiner XL will be coming Stateside this fall alongside the Limited Edition Pearl Nintendo Wiiner. Sadly, if you weren't able to get your preorder in before the birth of Christ, the chance to have one of these amazing Wiiners in your hands is already gone.
Suffice to say, I think it's safe to say that even if you don't want one of them yourself yet, Nintendo looks like they're already going to be the biggest Wiiners of all here.