This Ain't Call of Duty: The XXX Guide to Splatoon

Or: How many double entendres can I get into one Cblog?*

Well my little squidboys and squidgirls, today was certainly a day of days. We finally got our first taste of all of Splatoon's delicious juices, as the Global Testfire popped our collective cherries. I think I can safely say that a lot of us can't wait for the full release in a few weeks.

But I can hear you thinking: "Wait a minute, the demo only gave us 3 hours of practice. Just a tease! How will we ever be prepared for the full game? Aren't we going to suck long and hard, consequently getting our faces blasted by our opponents' goo?"

First of all, I believe you may be thinking of something different there, sport. But come around to my place after dark and we'll discuss that part. Thoroughly.
Second, even though we've only had a few hours to play around with the game, we can already discern some basic strategies. We can see what the weapons do and how they measure up against one another, and we know all of the maps' sensitive sweetspots to touch upon. In this blog, I'd like to take that experience and impart some much needed knowledge on you all. And why should you listen to me? Because...I'm not very good at Splatoon. Impotent, even. On most of my matches, I underperformed embarrasingly and was unable to fully satisfy my teammates. As a result, I have gained an intimate understanding of what NOT to do in Splatoon. There's no better learning experience.

So read on if you want to know how to stand proud and firm amidst the group action of Splatoon.

But first, some general observations for those who just like to watch. Consider it foreplay.

General comments

I think the first question on everyone's mind is "Can the servers even take that many members, all begging for attention, at the same time?" I can answer that question with a resounding "ooooh, yes". Both of the times that I was playing the netcode held up very well. I did experience a couple of connection errors during the last hour of play, but I could tell that at least half of those were because my wifi is just fiddling with itself at this point. Plus, going by time zones this last session would've been the hottest and sweatiest one by far, as everyone and their grandma came to get some poon. So a few connection errors, but I haven't seen any lag at all. It's also worth noting that I was engaged in full interracial bouts, playing with Asians, Americans and Europeans alike. Despite that, everything was silky smooth.

But you guys want to know the sexy details of the game itself.
Well, it's sure to arouse the minds of any shooterfans that have felt neglected on the WiiU. It's fun, exciting and pleasurable. Even though you won't find any Deathmatches or Capture the Flag in Splatoon, its four-on-four orgies of color are easily engaging enough to keep you coming back for one more go. If you can hold out that long, of course. Or maybe you're one of those people who can go a second round right away. The mechanics here are perfect to ensure that even the most virginal gamer can have a good time, while not leaving out the hardened veterans. Everyone contributes to the match in their own unique ways, but I'm sure we'll see some Splatoon studs dominating the ranks soon enough. The maps we've currently seen are also deep and intricate enough that there are plenty of ways to make the environment work to your advantage.

One thing that's worthy of note, though, is that you need your entire team to pull their weight. If even one of your crew is firing blanks, you're going to lose. Splatoon matches are basically like a tug-of-war, you're constantly tugging it back and forth. "It" being territory, obviously. One moment you could be on the verge of an ecstatic climax as you hold victory in your tight grasp, while the next moment you might notice that the enemy team has stolen all your momentum and is thrusting its way towards your home base. Normally being the receiver is great, but that's certainly not the case in Splatoon. So if (when, because it's going to be happening all the time) that happens you need a good role reversal to keep some excitement in this relationship. You can't be the submissive all the time and there are no safe-words in Splatoon. In order to reverse those roles, you'll need every single member of your foursome.

So how do you avoid being dead weight? Simple: you have to know your equipment. Appreciate your equipment. Show it some love.

The Weapons

As of yet, there are three main weapons in Splatoon. They come in all shapes and sizes, but fortunately it seems like size doesn't matter in Splatoon. It's how you use it, so even the tiniest tool can make all the difference. Let me show you mine, and let's get intimate with some of these.

Splattershot

The Splattershot is probably the most basic weapon in Splatoon, and cums the closest to what you're most likely used to in other shooters.
You point and you shoot, you spray and pray. But what's worth remembering is that in Splatoon, kills count for nothing. Now I understand that when you hear the call for battle you might rise stifly to attention and prepare to engorge yourself in the thick of the action, but remember that pacing is everything. You have to make sure to put yourself where you are most wanted, and that means that sometimes you shouldn't dive in headfirst. In Splatoon, the thing that matters most is the surface area that you splatter with your fluids. As such, it is often more useful to ignore your enemies and claim some turf instead. Touch upon every single inch for maximum satisfaction.

That being said, the Splattershot is the most combat-oriented weapon of the lot. The Splattershot allows you to take charge and get in there hard and fast. Only a couple of shots are enough to leave your opponents gasping for breath, so it's entirely possible to kill them before they even managed to get themselves ready.

The Splattershot is versatile, so treat it as such. You're in a good position to splatter and kill, so make good use of all of your technique. However, when a partner shows up who has the better tool for the job, the Splattershot user would do well to finish up and go find greener pastures elsewhere.

Splat Charger

The Splat Charger is a far more calculated weapon than the Splattershot before it.
You can't just spray every which way with this weapon. Instead, you have to go right for the sweet spot. You see, as measurements go the Splat Charger certainly has sheer length going for it. It has the greatest range of all the weapons, and gets everything messy in a straight line to its target. For maximum effect you will have to charge it up first, wait until you are at the brink of exploding, let the throbbing tank fill up to the very edge, and then release. Alternatively, you can also release prematurely for a shorter ranged burst.

With the Splat Charger, your goal is to keep your enemies down. You can play as dirty as you want trying to do so. In fact, the most common use of the Charger is as a sniper weapon. The moment you spot a foe somewhere in the distance, you take aim and deliver the payload directly to their face. This gives your team some leeway to paint more territory unhindered by nasty cock blocks. Covering territory is not this weapon's greatest strength, as you have to charge your shots and you run out of ammo quickly. Once you run out of ammo, you're basically airhumping until you take some time to recharge. But as this is Splatoon, you're going to have to find a way to cover some territory regardless. I find that the best way to do this is by looking for long straight areas of the map. By shooting a fully charged shot, you can instantly take control of long distances. Then, dive into the goop right away and get on with the next position. This allows you to recover quickly so you can go another round. However, you should always be on the look-out for any enemies so you can do nasty things to them.

That's another point to mention about the Charger. It's great at long range, so spotting your opponents early is key. Be a voyeur; watch. By doing that, you have a good chance to kill them before they have a chance to come in and show you every corner of the map. Yes, they'll do that. The Charger does not excel at close-range, at all. The moment you find yourself in a close-range one-on-one, when the bodies start to touch, you had better bring a good subweapon. Otherwise, you're screwed.

Long story short: it's all about the position. Find a good position that works for you, keep the enemy down, and deliver that shot with one big sigh and a solid thrust.  

Splat Roller

Finally, the Splat Roller. This is perhaps the most strategic weapon of all, though no less stimulating for it.
As a Splat Roller you're going to be a lover, not a fighter. Rather than heading for your foes, you should be exploring every bit of the map, sensually caressing it with your brush as you go. What I mean by that is that the Roller is far and away the best weapon for quickly covering territory. It doesn't consume much ink, and it gives you a continuous stream of goo that gets everywhere. The Roller definitely has the girth going for it, and it has been well documented that girth is the most important part of a good experience. The Charger's length just doesn't compare.

The main drawback of the Roller is that it has no range going for it. If you want to squirt all across the room, you're going end up disappointed in your manhood. This also means that you're at a big disadvantage when facing Splattershots or Chargers. You want to get down and dirty, but it takes two to tango and if they're not interested in you coming closer they'll simply finish you from a distance. The one thing you can do, however, is try to sneak up on them and give them a surprise pounding. The Roller has a powerful push, so once you have your opponents where you want them you can easily give them the ride of their life. You will leave them moaning and writhing, while the rest of your team looks on with lustful approval.

In any other case, the Roller should be a mostly solo job. But seeing as nobody knows what you like better than yourself, this isn't such a bad place to be in. What you should be doing is pay close attention to your map and find out exactly which spots still need your gentle touch. A lot of the time people are so engaged in their mutual romps that they forget all about the area down south that is completely uncovered and ready for you. That's where the Roller truly shines: it'll have that spot touched up in a flash. Try to make your way deep into the enemy's trenches. Explore their nooks, crannies and curvatures. Touch those special spots they didn't even know they had.

That's how you make a difference as a Roller. Don't be a hero, but know the area. Know where you are wanted, and deliver the goods. Let the girth work for you.

And that's all we have time for now. I hope it was an arousing and satisfying read. Please look forward to the full release of Splatoon with mounting excitement, as I am. Hopefully this game will have sufficient endurance to last a long time. The last thing anyone wants is for this adventure to be over before the fun has really started. Now that I've seen the secrets Splatoon has in its pockets, I'm not worried.

Whatever the case, I know what I'll be doing from May 29th onward. I will have to calm my twitching loins and keep my full attention on the hedonistic action unveiling itself on my TV screen. I will put my equipment to good use, as I show my fellow players every corner of the map. I will spray my juices everywhere, and touch every spot that needs touching. All while the eight-way dance gets ever more intense as it builds towards its ultimate climax. That moment of ecstasy when the final second approaches and I just can't hold out anymore.

And then when everything is said and done, all that's left to do is wait for the moneyshot.

*Answer: a lot.**
**Also cocks.

- Us heroes, we have so much to do

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