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The Shit Box Volume 8: Why the Fuck Do I Have so Much to Say?


It's the worst day of the week, so you know what that means. Today I'm looking at Seventh Son for beard admiral Jed Whitaker, a movie I went into excrutiating detail summarizing for some reason. The movie claims to be about some chump named Tom, when really it's the story of a completely incomprehensible old man who astonishingly isn't Sean Connery.

The movie opens, as any bad movie will, on a cryptic scene with literally no context. A man whose name we find out is Gregory from a screaming banshee covers some weird prison cage thing in dust, then rides off into a time lapse of however many years. The prison is broken in the current day, and the prisoner free, and it's a dragon! I want to make it a point that this movie has some of the worst effects in this series, and I'd rate it even below Zombie Nation. Let that sink in.

We're taken to the present, where the movie suddenly tries to be Game of Thrones by showing us John Snow, and nothing any of you do or say will convince me otherwise. John Snow works as a "Spook" a character who's the seventh son of a seventh son or some shit, the movie doesn't explain what that means. Regardless, Spook is not a racist slur in this movie. John Snow goes to inform his master that they have a job to do, his master being an incredibly drunk old man whose words are literally impossible to decipher. This old man is none other than Gregory from the stupid intro of three minutes ago, and holy shit has he aged poorly.

So John Snow and Gregory go off to do their jobs as klan members, and pull the black menace out of a little girl. The black menace being a witch dragon vampire queen of darkness thing that used to be Gregory's girlfriend. They really aren't sure what they want her to be, so they made her all of the things. Literally all of them. John Snow proves he knows nothing by needing to be told to use the silver tools that are apparently effective on witches, despite 10 years of training or whatever, being Gregory's best disciple, and witches being the primary target of the Spooks. He further shows this when he gets his ass caught and killed by a caged enemy they had at their mercy. Whatever.

The Mary Sue villain flies off to her volcano home, because of course she has one as a villain, and gets shit put in order. Her minions are given youth, and her scattered generals are called back home for no apparent reason. Not a whole lot else goes on on the villain front, just a lot of people dropping by, congratulating her on getting out of prison and getting her house back together. Blah blah blah.

The movie cuts to some wimpy pretty boy who makes John Snow look like Randy Savage failing miserably at throwing knives and shooting a bow. According to fantasy cliche #341, this little bitch is going to be our protagonist. Meet Tom, everyone, an inept, whiny farmboy who can't have even one cryptic vision without being winded. What a tool. Gregory pays a vague amount of coins nobody bothers to count or check the authenticity of to acquire Tom. And while Tom's mother was initially reluctant, she quickly relents and hands a MacGuffin necklace to our hapless protagonist as she essentially sells him into slavery. What a family.

Tom and Gregory make it to I guess the mainland where we're introduced to Tusks or whatever his name is, the best character in the film because he has no lines. Tusks is some kind of orc or whatever, and an old friend of Gregory's. He can't speak, or particularly think for himself, but he has an affinity with horses, and likes to see the sights. Rock on, dude. You're the only one I'm rooting for.

So Gregory and Tom head to town to collect some red herring ingredients for Tom's training that they apparently couldn't have just borrowed from Tom's family. Flour, salt I think, bacon. I think maybe Gregory just wants to make breakfast. Tom is left to do the shopping, and runs into Random Pretty Village Girl A, about to be burned at the stake as a witch for no apparent reason, so Tom of course intervenes because he is a protagonist and is contractually obligated to have strange feelings and desires to rescue the first pretty girl he meets in his life. I can't remember this chick's name, so we'll just call her Vincenita. Tom drags Vincenita into a dark alley and frees her, where it's revealed that she's actually a witch, and Tom should have just let her burn. But Tom's too dense a mother fucker to realize this, and thinks she's just a fortune teller. The shopping never gets done, and everyone gets on the road.

God damn do I have a lot to say about this film, not even sure where any of it is coming from. I can't remember which of these two events I'm thinking of happens first, so I'll go with Gregory and Tom going to the Spook Workshop for a couple nights for training. We learn that Tom has a week to do what took John Snow 10 years, because of course a protagonist has to be able to squeeze years of training into a single fortnight. Tom lacks what anime protagonists are naturally born with, however, and fails to even throw a knife after like 3 days of practice. Come on, Tom, even I could hit my target the first time I threw a knife. Get your shit together. Tom gets himself attacked for not listening to Gregory's orders to not leave his room at night, because Tom's a failure, and this segment is really boring, so I'm just gonna skip the bigger details.

On the road again, Tom encounters his witch girlfriend Vincenita skinny dipping, but finds nothing suspicious with that. She gives him some bullshit about how some random light meant they were destined lovers, and he completely buys it. He doesn't realize she's a witch until she outright states it, and the rest of the scene is dumb, so let's skip to the next town. A lord summons Gregory and Tom to slay a monster that took out three regiments, and expect an old man and a dainty tulip of a teen to take care of it. Sure thing, boss.

We meet the first of the villain's generals, some guy who can turn into a bear. Yeah sure. The fight is really stupid and boring, so spoiler alert, Gregory wins, Tom bitches out of his first kill, Vincenita shows up again and tries to mack up on our boy Tom. She's cut off when he realizes, oh man, he needs to get over his shit or the world could literally end. Tom grows a pair three sizes(3 times 0 is still 0, don't worry folks) and gets back with the real protagonist of the story; Tusks.

The villain decides to drop in on the town Gregory and Tom just saved, where Tom's mother suddenly is, without explanation. Tom's mom shows off how badass a witch she is by killing a general as though he were a standard mook, then gets killed because we can't have a whiny anime-esque protagonist who isn't also an orphan. So yeah, Tom's a seventh son of a seventh son and a witch, he and Vincenita have a single thing in common now.

Gregory and Tom encounter a cyclops on their way to their next destination, supposedly blind, unkillable, and afraid of water, and then none of those things turn out to be true. Tom is given credit for a kill simply because he happened to grab onto the cyclops as it fell down a waterfall and onto some sharp rocks. Tom didn't do shit, hire the waterfall to be your apprentice, Gregory, at least it would be capable of throwing a knife. God damn. Tom is accosted by a dragon lady who is also Vincenita's mom, the MacGuffin necklace activates just in time to prevent him from dying, and the crew gets back together and is suddenly just outside their destination where they're attacked and taken care of by an assassin army that doesn't know the meaning of the word stealth.

Tom discovers his mom died when her ghost shows up, and is told to use the necklace she gave him to go be a super hero. Yeah, about that... He kinda lost the necklace to some chick. World's doomed, lady. Seeing his dead mom gets Tom all hot and bothered for Vincenita, so his balls grow another three times, and he runs off to be an idiot. Gregory gets thrown the fuck away like a plastic bag when Vincenita decides to stop being insufferable and attacks the villain. Then Tom shows up to fuck everything up. But what's this? Suddenly he can throw a knife! Without any reasoning for the sudden change in skill level! Huzzah!

Tom gets his necklace back, becomes fabulous, and gains the ability to kill all the enemies in one hit, because this movie and summary are dragging on for too long. Gregory kills the assassin king, and Vincenita's mom gets killed by but weakens the villain, who then dies at night, but it's suddenly day when they exit the building. It was the dead of night, movie, nowhere near sunrise. How long did our idiot main characters stay in the building that was literally on fire? Tom gets his official Spook stamp, Tusks becomes his property, and Gregory rides off alone, refusing to finish Tom's training, because he's a witch and super human, even though neither of those traits got particularly exerted. Vincenita shows up and dumps Tom, and that's the end of that.

I honestly thought I would need a second viewing of this movie to do this summary, but as my over 1700 word count will attest, holy shit do I remember a lot about this thing. Seventh Son is a bad movie, and has a lot of flaws, ranging from bad pacing, to an unbelievably stupid protagonist. But is it shit? It's a little shit, yeah. But it's not unwatchably bad. There are a few genuinely nice moments, mostly involving Tusks, that make it a tolerable sitting, and it's mindless enough that you can easily zone out and forget the whole thing, unless you're me, and then you for some reason suddenly remember everything.

I hope you lovely peeps somehow enjoyed this wordiest of wordy blogs of mine. I wasn't expecting this post to be so large, and I don't expect the next one to be either, but who knows. I apologize for the size to anyone not keen on reading too much of this shit. Next week I'll be seeking an honorable death with Samurai Cop, one of the legends of garbage films, so do look forward to that.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.