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The Shit Box volume 3: The Amazing World of Self Punishment and Eternal Misery


It's 12:08 and technically Monday, and I'm still not on an even remotely reasonable sleeping schedule for someone in Eastern Standard Time, so you know what that means. That's right, it's time for that Early Morning Shit, the kind that's super watery and leaves you shaking in a cold sweat, wishing you had made different choices last night! Welcome to The Shit Box everybody, on today's menu we've got Foodfight! one of the worst things put on film you can possibly imagine, complete with an allstar cast. This was commissioned by GoofierBrute, and for him, all I have is a big middle finger. Following the advice of someone I'm too lazy to look up the name of, I will be including images this time around.

Holy shit, so where to even begin. I just watched this movie, and don't know what the fuck happens. Foodfight! opens up with a shot of an old man closing his family run grocery store for the night, a grocery store that's out in the middle of a barren wasteland of concrete as far as I can tell. So I guess we're in Detroit this time around. We're taken into the magical land of brand name product icons, or "Ikes" as the movie decrees, and are introduced to our dapper hero, Charlie Sheen, or as the movie dubs him, "Dex Dogtective."

Dex is the store's only line of defense against crime, which seems really inefficient given how rampant crime seems to be in this neck of the woods. People enter sewers, shit in the streets, and go naked literally everywhere, the only decent person in this town seems to be Mister Clean, who exists solely to get shit thrown on him, literally, that's all he does, he never speaks, even the fucking canned tuna tuna fish gets lines.

So Dex wraps up a day of work early and goes to meet his best friend whose name I've forgotten. Dex's best friend is a squirrel, an incredibly racist one at that. The squirrel cries sewage of joy at the news that Dex plans on proposing to his girlfriend, crosseyed Hilary Duff catgirl, whose name I have also forgotten. In order to show his support, Squirrel flies his plane to make a picture in the sky, but crashes the plane and the proposal simultaneously, at which point we get a timeskip to 6 months later where Hilary Duff has been missing the entire time.

Dex dropped out of the whole crimefighting business and handed it over to some mouse thing whose name I've forgotten, and now runs a club with Danny DeVito who plays an Italian moose whose name I've, you guessed it, forgotten. A new line of products is being illegally moved in without the store owner's consent, and in order to make space, the chief of marketing for the new 'Brand X' stomps on a bag of salt and vinegar chips/crisps, which the store owner really weirdly identifies with on a personal level. I get the feeling something disturbing transpires between the store owner receiving the products, and the products reaching the shelves of the store.

So at Dex's booming club, the new Brand X Ikes decide to show up and pay a visit to Dex, and the movie tries really hard to sell you that this lady whose name I've forgotten is sexy, but she's just as crosseyed as Hilary Duff, and about twice as plastic. It's weird, and creepy. For some reason the Ikes get into a fight, and it's all very nonsensical and stupid. Dex calls it a night and heads home after ending the fight, but Brand X(from now on referred to as Brandy XXX) lady follows him and propositions him for sex. Not even kidding. Surprisingly, Dex, who is again, played by Charlie Sheen, turns down Miss Brandy XXX. Progress!

The Ike for the disgusting potato chips that got pushed out for Brand X gets murdered(yes, murdered), and squirrel boy goes missing, but Dex is hot on the trail and confronts Brandy XXX on where she put squirrel boy. Before he can get an answer, she knocks him out somehow and throws him into a dryer, where squirrel by was conveniently held captive. They escape by following a sock through a vent only to discover that Brand X has completely taken over the store and turned into Communist Russia. Brandy XXX swaps to a fetish outfit to suit the pornstar name I've decided is canon, and introduces her three evil henchmen: Midget, Christian Grey, and Bella Swan.

Christian Grey immediately gets to work being creepy by murdering a weasel who does not have the luxury of a woodpecker to ride valiantly upon, but the movie forgets about that point and immediately resurrects him. Dex, in the meantime, has discovered that Brand X is literally toxic, and the FDA doesn't give two shits, so whatever. Dex and crew have to reach th store owner's computer to do this, but in order to get there they have to cross the store, which is apparenly literally impossible before daytime, so they have to brave the "real world" full of horribly mutated monstrosities that can barely be called caricatures of human beings.

The journey's not so easy, though, Brandy's henchman Bella Swan is right on their tails. They escape by using an unopened large bottle of soda with almost no liquid as a rocket, nobody seems to notice this thing zooming through the air, and they make it into the office just before the door closes. The movie devolves into Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy at this point when a physical manifestation of a sentient AI that controls the internet appears to help them on their quest to recall Brand X. But not before the movie can shove in a gay vampire bat that has the hots for squirrel boy. They discover Brand X had Hilary Duff recalled somehow, despite not being the manufacturer or a government agency.

All seems hopeful, when at the last minute Christian Grey super glues the door shut and cuts power to the entire store. What you'd assume should devastate their forces, losing their power grid and all, turns out to be not such a big deal. The magical city turns out to have its own self sustaining source of power apparently, and even the super glued door holds Dex back for all of five minutes. I just want to take a moment to stress that the flow of time in this store is immense, it goes from day to night to day to night again within literal minutes.

So the first half of the movie ends here, and the rest is just an incomprehensible mess of an "action" sequence involving the titular food fight. It plays out like a tech demo for a bad physics engine, and is almost completely unviewable. To summarize, the good corporate brands win, and the bad Brand X loses. Midget gets bulldozed over, Bella Swan is crushed and electrocuted by a telephone pole, and Christian Grey falls from the top of a skyscraper. When all is said and done, Brandy XXX turns out to be an old lady with plastic surgery to make her look human, which the Ikes then literally beat off of her(phrasing!), and then presumably horribly murder her as well.

Some irritating nose doctor character discovers an antivenom powerful enough to reverse death, so none of the characters who died are actually dead, save for the Brand X goons, Dex asks Hilary Duff to marry her, happy ending, roll credits in which there are mind numbing extras.

Overall, this movie is easily the worst animated anything to be shat upon cinema that I've ever seen. Are there worse? Definitely. Have I seen worse? No. There is nothing even remotely enjoyable within this movie, nothing worthy of a chuckle, snort, or even a nod of approval. Don't watch this movie out of morbid curiosity, it will just ruin what could be an otherwise good day. I normally watch something good after I do one of these to wash away the taste, but this? This I just need to be angry for.

As always, I hope you enjoyed this volume of The Shit Box, and have a good Monday my sexy people. Join me next week as I go into my first romantic comedy, From Justin to Kelly, commissioned by our own local sex master, and the man I was originally a clone of, Mike Martin. It has a 2.1 out of 10 on IMDB, so you know that means it's quality.

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About Chistone of us since 3:28 PM on 10.26.2011

I'm your sexy local eyepatch wearing messiah. I watch garbage movies for internet points, and sometimes appear in community podcasts where bad movies/shows are watched.

I sometimes remember I have a Twitter and post horribly stupid shit in it.