Dictation numero tres

It’s a bright and warm spring day you friendly hentai consumers.  Plug your audio device up and get ready for some poorly edited news content in bad joke form.

Haha! What a ridiculous premise for a show, two white geeks telling people things they already know.  Enough of that, lets discuss Final Fantasy Ten.

Meg Ryan’s most successful role is predominantly defined by the hair.  With more layers than an onion I’m not sure how the poor boy isn’t eaten by ogres.  While Tidus played for the Zanarkand Abes, he was the spokesperson for an off brand Swiffer. They had made a wet mop designed specifically after his signature style.  The endorsement finally helped to pay for the addadictomy his father had been recommending for years.

Final Fantasy Strike’s story really picks up when Tidus awakes in the middle of a carribean blue sea, still hungover from a night of binge drinking with russian jews on a nuclear sub.  Suddenly he’s hit in the head by a Blitzball, or as the locals call it a water wobbly. His concussed throbbing skull sees a Palm tree with a speech impediment waving in the distance.  Tidus and the Palm tree become fast friends, as they both love cutting holes in coconuts for mastebatory purposes.  The Palm tree tells Tidus he’s probably retarded or was in a cult or something, and introduces him to his three friends, Furryblue, XxsokawaixX, and Belt Tits. 

XxsokawaixX is on a trip to learn enough geometry to qualify for some sort of quiz bowl at her high school.  Tidus decides to join them as they venture to Miami for spring break.  Along the way there, they all eat a bad patch of shrooms, and shoot a bunch of harpoons at a whale.  Belt Tits is the only other character besides Tidus to ever be seen conversing with the Palm tree, so he assumes she’s hiding the good shit in her cleavage.  This explains why she’s always bending over to pick up imaginary dolls.  

Eventually they arrive in Miami, and Tidus realizes he thought they were going to Orlando the whole time.  The group parts ways, and Tidus gets stabbed by a cuban in a dive bar for bragging about his skee ball skills.  Eventually Edward James Olmos, the stepfather Tidus always thought about right before he came, rescues Tidus and takes him to the hospital.  The palm tree and all his friends show up in the ICU, telling Tidus that XxsokawaixX had totally learned how to do polynomials that summon demons.  Tidus agrees to join them on their adventure to Georgia after Olmos tells them that Tidus's dad is in Greenpeace.  Along the way they pick up the russian jew who Tidus remembers snorting molly with on the sub.  She turns out to be XxsokawaixX’s cousin and her name is Kairi.   They all have a great laugh about it until they get to Atlanta.  Unfortunately it has been turned into a test site for the governments new Heat Lightning bomb.  Then I stopped playing because I couldn't press X at the right time to convince the electricity to leave me alone.  But at least it is in HD. 9/10

A sequel was made about XxsokawaixX trying to find herself on summer vacation one year.  She joins Kairi, and her college roommate Cuts Mcselfie as they steal her dads’ private jet. They travel all over the world looking for the hot new drug Spheres.  Spheres turn out to just be half coke/half ritalin in perforated faberge eggs that you put up your butt.  The rest of the game takes place in the fever dream XxsokawaixX has as the doctors try to resuscitate her.  It was pretty good if you can believe Metacritic, who gave it a 26.35 out of 31 possible Baskin Robbins flavors.

That’s the story of Final Fantasy X X-2 HD remixer, join us next week as we discuss Final Fantasy Twelve, the one about the playbunny who tried to run from Hugh.

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